Necessity.

This is going nowhere. Maybe. Time flies these days. I wish it would just move gracefully. In need of time to process what had happened, what is happening and what will happen but time waits for no man. That is a saying that we should always hold on to. I check my phone these days, to see what is happening on the virtual world when actually, life itself is happening in front of me. Sometimes, you really don't appreciate what you have in front of you, till it's gone. I didn't put on my deep mode thinking cap, it was just a moment when something clicked and I know what I want. I want my life to be away from your circle of friends. Maybe I am still in a confusing mode, trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece. Each day of my life has been about me, convincing myself that the missing piece is not actually missing but somehow it is hidden or it has turned into a camouflage, making the object that I want visible but momentarily, it is harder to locate in those form. I told you, this is going nowhere. In need of  a holiday, to go elsewhere where my sights will be seeing green, rather than gray. The colour in between. Being 24 sucks, although it is my favourite number.

Today, I feel appreciated because this was sent to the Whatsapp group.

If only the post-it notes were bigger, then maybe I can tell you how glad I am to be under your invisible wing, though I may be playful and clumsy, all the time.

Lifeless.

 

Those rare nights, where you take a step back and snap a mental picture of your surroundings or in this case, you take your phone out from your handbag to capture this moment. I was walking out of the LRT station in Dang Wangi on a Friday night, when I decided to pretend like as if I was walking out of Canary Wharf, a major business district in London. The only thing missing was my cup of Costa. It was on this night, where we hung out, had a few puffs of shisha, some hummus, chicken wings, and one striking question was asked across the dinner table. 

"What is life to you?" 

Or some sort of a similar question was asked.

I really have no idea. 

Life is about being happy and content, without the need to be perfect at all times. 

That's what I thought, at first but then again, to be honest, I am not that happy right now. I am not saying that I am miserable as well. I am just trying to be content with what I have and reducing my wants because I know what I have now is sufficient. 

It is those little things in life that adds up to the big picture. 

I am searching, still for that day to come where I can say that I am perfectly happy with my life. 

Probably, as I go older, I will find what I need. 

As for now, my answer is, I try to find happiness in those little things in life, 

even if the little things mean, by pretending to be at Canary Wharf while holding a cup of Costa, 

when in actual fact, I am walking in Dang Wangi while holding a can of Nescafe. 

That miserable week.

It has been a while since a dream really meant something. To wake up with a nightmare is a relief, rather than to wake up with having thoughts of you. J.K Rowling once said “Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else,” How random it is for me to be quoting J.K Rowling, an author that I don’t really fancy because her art is somewhat too deep and too brilliant, that I don’t really understand but for that one line, I do get it.

Back to that Wednesday night when you made an appearance in my dream, it was not a dream where you came and showed yourself up, physically. It was just your voice, whispering something significant and leaving me in this miserable state, not knowing how to react to it. That blurry line that you created, as blurry as it is, it is still crystal clear to me. Last week, I had a crazy haywire week and with this dream that came along, it became a burden rather than something that I should be happy about. Everything turned upside down, in the last week of March; I thought the world is going against me.

It started off when I lost Ines' phone during the Demi Lovato concert on Friday night. It happened in a split second. Continously, I was being paranoid on Monday, thinking that I did not switch off the iron. Hence, clumsy me had to go back to Bangi from KL Sentral after 5 minutes of settling down at the office. The iron was switched off, perfectly. The next day, I woke up late at about 7.21am and I performed my morning prayers as usual, or how they would say “Subuh Gajah”. The only thing is, I prayed 3 rakaat, instead of just 2 rakaat. I was in a trance state of mind, perhaps. Later at work, I was telling my Chinese colleague about it and her reply was too funny. “Isn’t it good that you prayed more? You should just bow 2 times but you bowed 3 times?” Hahaha how do I explain that it doesn’t work that way. On that same particular day, I lost my parking ticket. For the past 6 months that I have been working, I’ve never lost my parking ticket or make that, for the past 23 years of my existence, I have never lost a parking ticket but of course, there’s always a first time for everything. The week proceeded as usual, until Friday, when I left half of my purchase at the groceries store at a shop in TTDI and I only realized it, on Saturday morning when my chicken drummets went missing. Just typing it out tires me out, imagine having to go through it and feeling freaking miserable about it. On top of that, I had to pretend that I am A-Okay at work but of course I was not. Imagine, sitting next to your boss, nodding to every word that she said, acting like you can comprehend the debit credit part of accounting when you have no idea what’s going on because your mind was not there but instead, it went to Shah Alam. The pen that you’re holding dropped and your boss went “Min, Min.” Quite funny, now when I look back at it but it needs some kind of a special power for another human being to handle me these days. If it’s a male, he needs to be a superman. If it’s a female, she needs to be like... My mother. Hahaha. So, how did I fix my week? I ditched work, the whole weekend and spent quality time with those that matters and I picked up the phone to call you up. Not only that it needed courage for me to that but I had to be sane as well. I think I am, for me to be talking to you for half an hour. I should be alright and come what may, I’ll be okay.