Cluttered thoughts.

Stumbled across this picture on Mama's laptop, while I was trying to play bubble spinner. Its actually really hard to gather the four (plus one) of us, for one picture. 

June!

And so, there is actually a non peak season for auditors or maybe, for junior associates like me, who is assigned to do smaller jobs. It was in this month that I booked a longer leave to study, go for a holiday and just chill. Oh well, that was the initial plan, only my planning sucked a bit. I was supposed to study, sit for my exam and then go for my holiday but instead, I went for my holiday, studied for my exam and sat for it, while trying not to cry because basically, I did not really study and this is a paper that I have flunked the other day. So, you get the whole picture. I thought I was a super woman, when I am not even one fifth of a stable girl. Haha. Started the month with a bang, as my flight to Melbourne was on the first of June. It has been a while since I last traveled with my mother and my sister. It was definitely easier in terms of ehem, financially of course :P but now that I am working, its quite embarrassing to ask money from my mother, even when I am traveling. All in all, it was a very relaxed trip, where we were never in a rush, we get to sit down, have brisk walks and have coffee at any convenient time. I love their coffee culture, where each nook and corner will have its own cafes. Hands down, the best coffee of all time was the very first latte that I had at the italian restaurant named, Toro at Lygon Street. It was just nice! And strong as well. Other than that, the koala, birds and kangaroo were fine. They looked like...animals, I guess. Mom shouted at me for not wanting to feed the kangaroo. I am scared of it, okay. Later, when we came back home, I googled if there's such a thing like fear of animals and there is. ZOOPHOBIA. At least, now I can safely say that I have been to the zoo and I came out alive !! Shopping in Australia was alright, nothing much to buy because it was quite pricey. They kept on insisting that we should not convert because if I were to convert dollar to dollar, the things there are quite cheap. News flash I don't earn in Aussie Dollar, of course I'll convert. Haha. But I managed to find that one thing that I wanted the most, which is the zebra print flats and that was cheap. I should have bought two pairs of the same pattern. Seriously.

It was actually a very relaxed trip, up until I got a Viber message from my current manager asking to come back to work to settle some stuff that just came up, abruptly. Sorry but seriously, I thought it was just not appropriate as those things came up suddenly and it can be settled when I'm back, just according to date that I've planned. That was quite disturbing and I felt bad at the same time. Work, haih. And so, I thought that's the end of my work problem right.. until another problem came along and that will be posted a separate post. Haha. 

As for the end of June, I went for another holiday with my batch mates from my firm. It was just a short trip but it was a much needed trip for all of us. We all went to Port Dickson for one night, where all 200 hundred of us stayed there for one night. Imagine going for a holiday, with only people around your age, with no seniors, managers and partners? Hahaha but actually, going with my previous team will be fun as well. Food was great, the games were alright but the scenery was really breathtaking. Now, I bet everyone will think that we are all ready and rejuvenated to go to work. Ha ha ha. The month of June, has been great !

To Melbourne, we go !

 

 And so, I conquered my fears!

 

Father.

My father is a very simple man. He doesn't say much, doesn't do much, doesn't eat much, doesn't complain much and above all, he's very conservative yet very open. I hardly write about my father because.. All of the above.. Hehe.. When we were growing up, there was never really anything to talk about unless for those necessary thing such as asking for money, asking him to pick me up from tuition or school and stuffs. Now that I am older and finally working, we can talk a bit more now. Conversation can go as far as the business market that I pretend to know about when I am actually clueless, this so and so who works here and there and such but of course, he is still my number one ATM machine. I definitely respect and appreciate my parents moreeeee now that I am working because they hardly say no to anything that we asked for. Wish I could write more here but typing on the phone sucks. I just wanna wish Happy Fathers Day to the best father I have, the one who will call me 1000000 times for getting a parking ticket, the one that will bail me out from any trouble, the one that will back me up when I fight with Mama hehe, the one that loves car but doesn't want to drive it, the one who doesn't eat dinner because he doesn't wanna get fat and the one that inspires me to do better in life, even when he doesn't say much. I love you, Pa. Such a loser. I don't hv much picture with my dad but this will do. The best parents in the world :'*

Necessity.

This is going nowhere. Maybe. Time flies these days. I wish it would just move gracefully. In need of time to process what had happened, what is happening and what will happen but time waits for no man. That is a saying that we should always hold on to. I check my phone these days, to see what is happening on the virtual world when actually, life itself is happening in front of me. Sometimes, you really don't appreciate what you have in front of you, till it's gone. I didn't put on my deep mode thinking cap, it was just a moment when something clicked and I know what I want. I want my life to be away from your circle of friends. Maybe I am still in a confusing mode, trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece. Each day of my life has been about me, convincing myself that the missing piece is not actually missing but somehow it is hidden or it has turned into a camouflage, making the object that I want visible but momentarily, it is harder to locate in those form. I told you, this is going nowhere. In need of  a holiday, to go elsewhere where my sights will be seeing green, rather than gray. The colour in between. Being 24 sucks, although it is my favourite number.

Today, I feel appreciated because this was sent to the Whatsapp group.

If only the post-it notes were bigger, then maybe I can tell you how glad I am to be under your invisible wing, though I may be playful and clumsy, all the time.

Lifeless.

 

Those rare nights, where you take a step back and snap a mental picture of your surroundings or in this case, you take your phone out from your handbag to capture this moment. I was walking out of the LRT station in Dang Wangi on a Friday night, when I decided to pretend like as if I was walking out of Canary Wharf, a major business district in London. The only thing missing was my cup of Costa. It was on this night, where we hung out, had a few puffs of shisha, some hummus, chicken wings, and one striking question was asked across the dinner table. 

"What is life to you?" 

Or some sort of a similar question was asked.

I really have no idea. 

Life is about being happy and content, without the need to be perfect at all times. 

That's what I thought, at first but then again, to be honest, I am not that happy right now. I am not saying that I am miserable as well. I am just trying to be content with what I have and reducing my wants because I know what I have now is sufficient. 

It is those little things in life that adds up to the big picture. 

I am searching, still for that day to come where I can say that I am perfectly happy with my life. 

Probably, as I go older, I will find what I need. 

As for now, my answer is, I try to find happiness in those little things in life, 

even if the little things mean, by pretending to be at Canary Wharf while holding a cup of Costa, 

when in actual fact, I am walking in Dang Wangi while holding a can of Nescafe. 

That miserable week.

It has been a while since a dream really meant something. To wake up with a nightmare is a relief, rather than to wake up with having thoughts of you. J.K Rowling once said “Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else,” How random it is for me to be quoting J.K Rowling, an author that I don’t really fancy because her art is somewhat too deep and too brilliant, that I don’t really understand but for that one line, I do get it.

Back to that Wednesday night when you made an appearance in my dream, it was not a dream where you came and showed yourself up, physically. It was just your voice, whispering something significant and leaving me in this miserable state, not knowing how to react to it. That blurry line that you created, as blurry as it is, it is still crystal clear to me. Last week, I had a crazy haywire week and with this dream that came along, it became a burden rather than something that I should be happy about. Everything turned upside down, in the last week of March; I thought the world is going against me.

It started off when I lost Ines' phone during the Demi Lovato concert on Friday night. It happened in a split second. Continously, I was being paranoid on Monday, thinking that I did not switch off the iron. Hence, clumsy me had to go back to Bangi from KL Sentral after 5 minutes of settling down at the office. The iron was switched off, perfectly. The next day, I woke up late at about 7.21am and I performed my morning prayers as usual, or how they would say “Subuh Gajah”. The only thing is, I prayed 3 rakaat, instead of just 2 rakaat. I was in a trance state of mind, perhaps. Later at work, I was telling my Chinese colleague about it and her reply was too funny. “Isn’t it good that you prayed more? You should just bow 2 times but you bowed 3 times?” Hahaha how do I explain that it doesn’t work that way. On that same particular day, I lost my parking ticket. For the past 6 months that I have been working, I’ve never lost my parking ticket or make that, for the past 23 years of my existence, I have never lost a parking ticket but of course, there’s always a first time for everything. The week proceeded as usual, until Friday, when I left half of my purchase at the groceries store at a shop in TTDI and I only realized it, on Saturday morning when my chicken drummets went missing. Just typing it out tires me out, imagine having to go through it and feeling freaking miserable about it. On top of that, I had to pretend that I am A-Okay at work but of course I was not. Imagine, sitting next to your boss, nodding to every word that she said, acting like you can comprehend the debit credit part of accounting when you have no idea what’s going on because your mind was not there but instead, it went to Shah Alam. The pen that you’re holding dropped and your boss went “Min, Min.” Quite funny, now when I look back at it but it needs some kind of a special power for another human being to handle me these days. If it’s a male, he needs to be a superman. If it’s a female, she needs to be like... My mother. Hahaha. So, how did I fix my week? I ditched work, the whole weekend and spent quality time with those that matters and I picked up the phone to call you up. Not only that it needed courage for me to that but I had to be sane as well. I think I am, for me to be talking to you for half an hour. I should be alright and come what may, I’ll be okay.

An old post.

"In checkered sarong, you came. You pulled a chair and lit up a cigarette.  You started chatting with my friends, who were once your circle of friends too. I sat there, trying to snap a mental picture for my own keepsake. Not every detail is worth to remember but this night, this one particular night happened, unintentionally. I barely talked to you, I was happier that way. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can talk to my friends like normal again, just as casual as before but this time, we stand on our own feet. Your foot was not resting on mine and my hands were not on your thigh. We were two separate entities. Not that we were ever as one. We barely made it there. Somehow, out of all the nights that we’ve hung out after everything has happened, this night bothers me, a lot. The feeling of normality and conformity suits the atmosphere of the night. I wonder what you were thinking that night. My mind went blank. I needed as much space as I could to store all the memories I could gather that night. I love seeing you with my friends. I feel like I am finally at home, with you."

Mercy.

I suppose, it's about time that I update about my work now since it a few days time, I'll hit my 6 months mile stone in audit. That is something, considering how much I hated it in the first few months. I don't hate it as much now, the feeling is just neutral. To be honest, I found the thing that I was so scared of and it was my manager. Ha ha ha. I don't know what happened along the way, maybe it was the my parent's prayers, God's mercy on me and so much more, that everything changed. Take note, I still think that audit is not for me but at least, work became bearable because of the people around it. No doubt, the nature of the work is still so hard for me. I've never done it in real life, ni pulak kan nak check keje orang. Anyway, I still feel like I'm the problematic associate. Haha I do the stupidest thing that anyone can do. For example, I can go into a meeting of 4 people, where everyone is staring at each other's eyes, and suddenly, my pen was running out of ink at the beginning of it. I swear these little things are so not funny at that particular moment but looking back at it now, my God..... 

Anyway, all I'm saying is,  I am still alive. That's all. Too sleepy to write an essay!

Pain in all forms.

Wishing that I was a little kid, again who only recognizes fun, laughter and physical pain if I ever fall down.

Physical pain is easily cured but not emotional and mental pain.

I wonder if I ever did recover from one of those intangible pain?

Because sometimes, when I look back and I flip through those memories,

I don't remember what had happened but somehow, I remember what I felt.