Happy.

I see new things every day and today, I see something that I have not seen in a while. Its not new to me but somehow, I believe that God is telling me to just wait and be patient. Do take note that this is just some thought of mine that shouldn't be voiced out but I want this to be a reminder to myself, so that I don't settle down, just because. Just because, can be caused by some factor like perhaps, I am lonely or in desperate need to get married or settle down, or maybe just the feeling of having my own little family. 

From what I witnessed today, my priority should change. Before this, I wanted someone I can talk to and I am willing to push aside a lot of things. If I can talk to that one person day in and day out, without getting bored, I believe I can settle down with him. However, from what I witnessed today, I think my list of priorities is about to be amended. I should find someone who doesn't annoy me as much. For someone who gets easily annoyed, I should find someone that can do anything but still, I don't feel like strangling him but for me to feel that way, I must have loved that person very much to actually close my eyes to his annoying self, which I believe every man is. Twisted. Indeed. 

I just do not like what I saw during dinner today. I do not want that for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, I don't want to come back home and feel annoyed. Of course I will have that feeling during some days but dear God, please lessen those days and make those days as minimal as possible. I just want to be happy.

2013.

It's that time of the year again, where a long winded post will be written in order to recall and capture what has happened throughout the whole entire year. I like year end post; it's like a cut-off point for you to come up with some lame new year resolutions in hope of being a better person since you left your last year's resolution unfinished. Hehe. But seriously, 2013 has been nothing but challenging in all sort of aspects; life, work, family, friends, time-management and more. Warning ahead, its a long post. 

The hot topic that has been buzzing around right now is about the price hike. I would be lying if I were to say that I am not affected by it because of course, I will be. Monthly salary won't be increased anytime soon and that only means one thing, having to adjust the current lifestyle. I am so not looking forward to 2014, thinking about this and my age; twentyfreakingfive (That's a different topic altogether). Rumour that has been swirling around, said that toll prices will be increased quite a bit and for someone who is living slightly outskirt, I will definitely feel the burden. If only I can take the public transport, I would but of course, my nature of work does not allow me to do so because no LRT station opens at 2am during peak period, no? The petrol prices went up right after the election. Giving 50 dollar note to the petrol station cashier, will only last you for 4 days instead of 7 days, as before this. Times like these, made me wish I had exercised my right as a voter but looking at the current situation, I'm sure I would have voted for the wrong party. Gah, super serious topic. Of course, when you have to pay for your own bills. Ha ha ha. I can still cope, I am paying for one person's living expenses. Just imagine those people with 3 kids and more, earning just as much and living in the city. How do they cope? Makes you want to just do better in life and help them out, in any possible way. Okay okay, I'll cut down on those expensive coffee on a weekly basis. 

And of course, 2013 had a lot of weird things happening in it. I remembered asking two of the closest people around me a random question like "Are you pregnant?" because they were behaving so oddly and they had no clue they were pregnant at all. The next day, both checked (different times) and both told me (separately) that they were pregnant. I think I am a psychic. And of course, those times where my dreams (tido malam) came true and it happened so quickly, I freaked out a bit. Imagine having a dream about your manager being angry at you and suddenly, she called and she was really angry, exactly like in the dream? The dream was practically being enacted and you're actually on your study leave, with no laptop with you at that time? (June 2013) Freaky. It was the same day that I discovered the name of my 2 year old crush. Let's just put it this way, there's a reason why I couldn't find out his name because it gave me heart attack. Same name? No no. Haha

Speaking off the same name, I met you twice this year and we had one deep conversation, which was initiated by you. Awkward, it was not because you would always bring up the topic in any possible way that you could but its just one of those things that I will never understand because I made it pretty clear, I laid out my feelings on the floor, on the paper and on the digital space. Your words, not mine, "We have gone through a lot, together." (September 2013) I know, of course I know but please allow me to move on peacefully because we both know if things were rewind, I am still not your chosen one, so why bother in the first place? If you were to ask me a year ago about all this, if you were still the one for me at the end of the day, I would be the happiest girl alive but now, not anymore. Things change and people change.

2013 was also about engagements, weddings and  more weddings. Weddings meant a whole new world to the lovebirds but for the guests, it meant gatherings! Seeing everyone living their own life and catching up with each other was nice. Trust me, more coming in 2014. Pressure is up? I guess so but look at the paragraph above, progress is quite slow ?! Hahaha

2013 also witnessed my biggest fear and my slow progress in my career life. Previous posts have always been about work lately because work consumed you. Or in my case, work consumed me but I chose my path and as for now, I should stick to it. Truly, I returned back to the old firm with one goal; to learn as much as possible because I know my technical skill is so poor. Now, for 2014, I will change my goal; to find my partner in life ( Ha ha ha) because when your intention is right, you will get what you want. As the year kicked off, I started the hardest task with the toughest engagement to date. The job scope that I got was super hard and I still hated them up to this day; payroll and accruals. To make things worse, I was freaking scared of the senior at that time. To the others, she was the most helpful, most relaxed, most efficient, kindhearted, most hardworking, funny, cool and extremely patient but for me, at the beginning, she was just a workaholic monster that every time she uttered a word, my whole world crumbled, my face turned white and I started to tremble. It was so bad that every time I talk to her, my head went haywire, I can't even understand a single word like "Makan" or even "Balik". Day in and day out in January, I would start my day with tonnes of Zikir and prayers just so that I would survive the long hours. Since the team was really close, they had fun at work, while I, suffered.  Even during weekends, I would still be pale just thinking about her, reviewing my work. It doesn't actually help that I am actually slow in learning and digesting anything that she taught me but somehow along the way, she never did give up on me. I will never understand why she never did because if I were given an associate like me, I, as the senior would have just quit. To say that she is patient would actually be an understatement. She would take time to really coach me from 8 pm to 2 am for two days, just on my favourite topic; accruals. As Day 1 failed, we moved on to Day 2. Looking back, I don't think anyone else would have that much patience and tolerance to deal with me but she still pursued on, continued coaching and never did give up, although both of us were so sleepy and tired at that time. My parents wanted me to quit right after this engagement but somehow, I told them "If the manager is willing to sacrifice her hours to teach me up until late night the least I can do is to stay on and apply whatever that she has taught me," I know I am slow learner and if I cannot perform my task excellently perhaps I can just show her that I am willing to learn and tackle whatever that is thrown my way. Somehow, my trick worked. As I said earlier, she's a workaholic (insert Whatssap monkey emoticon) , which means that sometimes, she would work long hours even on a Friday and at times, I would stay back with her. There was this one time, while I was still in the shivering/pale mode of talking to her, I accompanied her in the orange building till 12 pm because she wanted to do work and I was the one holding the key. The room was quiet and little words were exchanged in between. Somewhat, it was rather awkward and it really felt like I was this small associate with this very intimidating boss. I wonder what I was doing at that time. Haha. Probably pretending to be answering some of her review notes, when I should have gone back and sleep but remember the key, I have to show my eagerness. It's not so much about wanting to kiss your boss' ass or such, but it was more about looking for ways to make up for your weakness. I suppose, when you can't score on the IQ, you tackle the EQ? Haha. Later on, after 2 months of long working hours and I have slowly showed her the extremely stupid and playful side of me, she requested that I help her for her next engagements and it continued to the third and the fourth one. To be honest, she is just as playful but of course, more serious and mature than  me. Practically, I was under her for the next one year. So, imagine the transition around from I-am-so-scared-of-my-boss to Boss-can-you-buy-me-my-hair-conditioner-and-hair-serum-if-you-ever-go-to-Boots? kind of relationship. To be honest, she talks like my mother, even the sarcasm is the same  but her patience level is so much higher. Now, I see what everyone sees in her; the most coolest, hardworking, patient, helpful, kind-hearted manager I will ever work with. Ever. She will still scream, smack me with her long ruler, shout at me, ask me 10 zillions questions about audit that I can never answer but at least, now my face won't turn pale, my body doesn't shiver, my hands don't tremble anymore but I still won't be able to answer her 10 zillions question. Probably only 2% of it will be correct, if I ever answer :P The main point is, I got over my fear of a human being. Haha. I will always respect and adore her, more than just a manager because she never did give up on me, even when she should and I hope you will never read this because if you ever do, I will have to hide my face. Sincerely, your escort. Bleargh. Haha

I came back into the same engagement, 12 months later and the rest of the team expressed how much I have improved and its amazing how I am still around because they said I was among those who made a  public declaration that I wanted to quit but along the conversation, they dropped a pretty hurtful line, saying that at one point, I was slacking at work, they were not even sure if they should confirm me as a permanent staff. It was that bad, it wasn't even funny. That was quite painful but if I were to see it from an optimistic point of view, I have improved a lot. I should be proud of that. The silver lining in everything that you do but if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that work is not everything. Once you get off from work, work should stop right there. You go back home, you should sleep and not think about work. Family do come first and of course, your health and happiness. 

Other than that, I passed my P2 paper after the second sitting. Weee! I have to admit, I focused more on the worldly matter and I neglected the spiritual part of my life. I blamed it on work but someone told me later in the Afterlife, I can't answer God saying that I had work to do right? I kept on delaying my thoughts, it became a chore instead of a daily routine. I guess those are the little things that I need to pick up in 2014. My sister is leaving for the States in January. Life will be dull after that. I should focus on pleasing my parents more, prioritize on what's important. Life is hard if you make it hard. Have a splendid new year celebration, everyone!

Who knows?

                                                'Know what you want, in order to be happy'

Simple. I want to get married by the time I turned 26 years old. Dear God, please prep me up, so that I am ready to get married and actually be married when I turn 26. That is one. Number two. I want a stable life, not like the one I am living now, whereby I jump from one house to the next, based on where my client is. It's not fun and I honestly have lost my sense of stability. It'd be awesome if I can sleep in  my own double bed, with my yellow comforter with my own pillows, on a daily basis. Having my own shower in my own room, cursing at my own trash and mess instead of picking up other people's mess. The third one, it will be to have a job that I look forward to, every day. I wake up just fine every day, with some sense of responsibility, knowing that I have to get my job done but I don't know if I am doing it with a smile or am I doing it while I am cursing. I will always be forever thankful that I am working with really helpful, awesome people, who makes life bearable. Team mates that are always around when I need help, a boss that is forever understanding, knowing how slow I can be and yet, tolerate my silliness but somehow, at the end of the day, you tend to ask if you are actually doing this for your self or to please others? The answer will always be the latter one, which is to please others. I know what I want. I want to learn but its a steep learning curve. You ought to stumble once in a while but in my case, it has always been a struggle and I stumble more than anyone else but why am I still there, beats me. I don't know. God knows. In terms of material things, sure I want new handbags, new shoes, new jeans and more but you know, those things are only material possession. It makes you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't feed you in the inside. Note the miserable tone of this post. Peak season is starting. You tend to appreciate life more, when you have free time. Actually, I don't but you'd rather crack your tiny brain, trying to create a sentence here, rather than typing out on those Excel sheets, with Arial size font of 8 with pink coloured squares and thick borders outlining it. Little anal things that auditors do. Oh yes, post about my one year old journey. That shall be up soon. When I can finally breathe a bit.

Lost.

As of now, I can deal with a lot of things but I don't think I can ever deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next. Then the word 'redha' and 'tawakal' step in. Time to really have faith and hope for God's best plan for you.

Colour inside the borderline.

Someone from Twitter gave this awesome possum link, Humans of New York. When I am running out of inspiration to live by on a daily basis, this is my go-to web. 

But seeing all these people living their life oh-so-carefreely, with no restrictions, makes me feel tad bit depressed. Never will I have those courage to do something out of the box and risking my whole life away. Perhaps, I have been brought up in a way that I should always colour inside the line, never exceed the line. 

I think I should start something new. Maybe by gardening, I'll be happier. Or I should write more often. Pen down my thoughts daily. I used to do that. Then came this one simple word that destroyed my life. Responsibility. I thought that I should run.

Hilary Duff got that running shoes and what did I do? I bought the same shoes(almost but I think Malaysia might have an improvised version of it), hoping that I will have the same determination to run.

So far, I took my stripey baby out for only a few times in the morning and once in the evening. Running makes me feel fitter but it does not make me feel better. My satisfaction comes from sweeping and mopping, still. The thought of cleaning the dust, hair and cockroaches away can put me to sleep at night, with a smile. 

SHR

It was a month ago since I last blogged about, basically nothing much. A lot of things have been going on but I just don't see the point of me jotting down each and every details of every event simply because.. but then I do remember the feeling of reading each post with details of past events. Sure you'll remember that you went to that particular place but probably, you will not remember the details of it. Hence, I think I should go back to the reason why this blog is being created; for me to capture my feelings at that particular time.

As of now, the feeling is rimas and lemas because I went for a jog and I just did the house chores (except cooking. Let's just leave that to the expert) and I haven't taken my shower. Too much information? Hahaha I thought I have to capture everything? Raya was of course, just like any other Raya with less excitement. Year to year, the excitement kind of dies down a bit. That's normal I guess after having tonnes of discussions with everyone. The only difference this year was that, I gave out duit raya, instead of receiving them. To be honest, it felt better to be on this side, even though you know your money is flowing out, instead of flowing in but its about time. After 23 years of getting duit raya, its about time to give back. And, it is true that the value inside of the packet is not as important as the thought of giving them. Our trick is to combine our duit raya, so that it'll look like as if we are giving out lots. Hahah

Team bagi duit raya !

Apart from that, it was my first time of celebrating Ramadhan and Syawal as someone who works now. To be going to work during fasting month is actually tiring because you get up at 5 am daily and preferably, you don't go back to sleep afterwards. That is actually very early, if you're used to waking up slightly later, like moi. And to top it off, its not like you get to go to bed anytime earlier anyway. Even your walking pace slowed down during puasa, or is it just me. You're not as energetic as usual but somehow, you are not hungry. Haha okay this is like a 5 year old blog, trying to capture her first moment of fasting :P 

Crap, what else to update? How's life? Progressing well I suppose. Mom says I have not moved on. I say "Mom, yes I have moved on" and the conversation goes.. Krik krik krik... I am still living like a nomad. One week in Ampang, one week in Damansara and weekends in Bangi. Less outing these days because at the end of the day, all you want to is sleep! I have been working for 11 months today! *throws confetti!!* Who would have believed that? Such an achievement and I will definitely update the big milestone, when it reaches 12 months :)

And oh, the biggest news for this month. I passed my freaking P2 paper. Alhamdulillah! Finally! Hehe. After the second attempt, it was a success. I passed borderline but who cares? I passed. Haha and that's all that matters. My boss asked me to go for Accounting classes to fix my brain on Accruals because if there's one thing that can make me cry, it would be accruals. Haha the deal was that if I fail my exam, then I would go for Accounting classes, willingly but since I passed, then the deal is off. Haha. Life goes on as usual, I can sit for another paper :)

That's all the updates for now :) Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin.

Cluttered thoughts.

Stumbled across this picture on Mama's laptop, while I was trying to play bubble spinner. Its actually really hard to gather the four (plus one) of us, for one picture. 

June!

And so, there is actually a non peak season for auditors or maybe, for junior associates like me, who is assigned to do smaller jobs. It was in this month that I booked a longer leave to study, go for a holiday and just chill. Oh well, that was the initial plan, only my planning sucked a bit. I was supposed to study, sit for my exam and then go for my holiday but instead, I went for my holiday, studied for my exam and sat for it, while trying not to cry because basically, I did not really study and this is a paper that I have flunked the other day. So, you get the whole picture. I thought I was a super woman, when I am not even one fifth of a stable girl. Haha. Started the month with a bang, as my flight to Melbourne was on the first of June. It has been a while since I last traveled with my mother and my sister. It was definitely easier in terms of ehem, financially of course :P but now that I am working, its quite embarrassing to ask money from my mother, even when I am traveling. All in all, it was a very relaxed trip, where we were never in a rush, we get to sit down, have brisk walks and have coffee at any convenient time. I love their coffee culture, where each nook and corner will have its own cafes. Hands down, the best coffee of all time was the very first latte that I had at the italian restaurant named, Toro at Lygon Street. It was just nice! And strong as well. Other than that, the koala, birds and kangaroo were fine. They looked like...animals, I guess. Mom shouted at me for not wanting to feed the kangaroo. I am scared of it, okay. Later, when we came back home, I googled if there's such a thing like fear of animals and there is. ZOOPHOBIA. At least, now I can safely say that I have been to the zoo and I came out alive !! Shopping in Australia was alright, nothing much to buy because it was quite pricey. They kept on insisting that we should not convert because if I were to convert dollar to dollar, the things there are quite cheap. News flash I don't earn in Aussie Dollar, of course I'll convert. Haha. But I managed to find that one thing that I wanted the most, which is the zebra print flats and that was cheap. I should have bought two pairs of the same pattern. Seriously.

It was actually a very relaxed trip, up until I got a Viber message from my current manager asking to come back to work to settle some stuff that just came up, abruptly. Sorry but seriously, I thought it was just not appropriate as those things came up suddenly and it can be settled when I'm back, just according to date that I've planned. That was quite disturbing and I felt bad at the same time. Work, haih. And so, I thought that's the end of my work problem right.. until another problem came along and that will be posted a separate post. Haha. 

As for the end of June, I went for another holiday with my batch mates from my firm. It was just a short trip but it was a much needed trip for all of us. We all went to Port Dickson for one night, where all 200 hundred of us stayed there for one night. Imagine going for a holiday, with only people around your age, with no seniors, managers and partners? Hahaha but actually, going with my previous team will be fun as well. Food was great, the games were alright but the scenery was really breathtaking. Now, I bet everyone will think that we are all ready and rejuvenated to go to work. Ha ha ha. The month of June, has been great !

To Melbourne, we go !

 

 And so, I conquered my fears!

 

Father.

My father is a very simple man. He doesn't say much, doesn't do much, doesn't eat much, doesn't complain much and above all, he's very conservative yet very open. I hardly write about my father because.. All of the above.. Hehe.. When we were growing up, there was never really anything to talk about unless for those necessary thing such as asking for money, asking him to pick me up from tuition or school and stuffs. Now that I am older and finally working, we can talk a bit more now. Conversation can go as far as the business market that I pretend to know about when I am actually clueless, this so and so who works here and there and such but of course, he is still my number one ATM machine. I definitely respect and appreciate my parents moreeeee now that I am working because they hardly say no to anything that we asked for. Wish I could write more here but typing on the phone sucks. I just wanna wish Happy Fathers Day to the best father I have, the one who will call me 1000000 times for getting a parking ticket, the one that will bail me out from any trouble, the one that will back me up when I fight with Mama hehe, the one that loves car but doesn't want to drive it, the one who doesn't eat dinner because he doesn't wanna get fat and the one that inspires me to do better in life, even when he doesn't say much. I love you, Pa. Such a loser. I don't hv much picture with my dad but this will do. The best parents in the world :'*