Shocked, puzzled and some pretended
like as if my curly hair is still visible :O Those were some of the reactions
that I received from my surroundings when they saw me for the last one month.
Not to mention those second glances that people gave me, because the first
glance did not do justice for them. The eye contact made on the first sight was
not sufficient for them to know that was me, they needed the assurance that it
was really me. Funny, it really was and it made me wonder how different do I really look like now. Officially, it has been a month and I thought,
I might as well give the reasons on why I chose to don the scarf, when in
actual fact, no reason should be given. This is a big transition, trust me and
I should document this down, in detail. Oh, I've been working for a month too! Weee!
Initially, I thought there would be no big adjustments to be made because I have actually been preparing for this big transition slowly by buying appropriate clothes for the past one year but as I was slowly cleaning out my closet, I realised I was actually really sad to put aside all my tight-body-hugging t-shirts, my three quarter shorts, my see-through tops, the few dresses that I have and my favourite short black dress. I stared at them for a while before putting them all in one big paper bag. Reality have sunk in, looking from a physical point of view, I just made my life a bit more complicated. Reasons being, I will not be able to go out of the house freely with my boxers and t-shirts to just go to the nearest shop, I will not be able to go out with my see-through tops and shorts and no more putting on short dresses to go out on a Friday night with my cousins to just have fun or to even go on Facetime requires a bit of thinking lately. Should I put on my tudung? When obviously the other party knows how my hair looks like. (Yea, just in case you're reading this. Haha. So have fun staring at the wall. Hehe) To just decide whether I want to go to the beach was also a difficult decision to be made. I wonder what are the limited perimeters that I am compounded to? Simple questions, made difficult. I had to think about all of these questions because they are important to me. I am still not in the position where I feel like if there's a boy, then I should cover my head. Instead, it feels like 'Hey, I am going out of the house, I should cover my head, just because it feels right to do so'. Perhaps, the feelings will grow on me slowly or more like, the tudung will grow with me. It's quite complicated...
Initially, I thought there would be no big adjustments to be made because I have actually been preparing for this big transition slowly by buying appropriate clothes for the past one year but as I was slowly cleaning out my closet, I realised I was actually really sad to put aside all my tight-body-hugging t-shirts, my three quarter shorts, my see-through tops, the few dresses that I have and my favourite short black dress. I stared at them for a while before putting them all in one big paper bag. Reality have sunk in, looking from a physical point of view, I just made my life a bit more complicated. Reasons being, I will not be able to go out of the house freely with my boxers and t-shirts to just go to the nearest shop, I will not be able to go out with my see-through tops and shorts and no more putting on short dresses to go out on a Friday night with my cousins to just have fun or to even go on Facetime requires a bit of thinking lately. Should I put on my tudung? When obviously the other party knows how my hair looks like. (Yea, just in case you're reading this. Haha. So have fun staring at the wall. Hehe) To just decide whether I want to go to the beach was also a difficult decision to be made. I wonder what are the limited perimeters that I am compounded to? Simple questions, made difficult. I had to think about all of these questions because they are important to me. I am still not in the position where I feel like if there's a boy, then I should cover my head. Instead, it feels like 'Hey, I am going out of the house, I should cover my head, just because it feels right to do so'. Perhaps, the feelings will grow on me slowly or more like, the tudung will grow with me. It's quite complicated...
BUT
If there is any stand that I hold on to, in order to make all these seem easy, it would be this,
"If you take one step closer to Allah, He will take 10 steps towards you"
Because it is true.
When people asked me why I made such decision, I gave them the easiest answer. “My father gave me the cue already” Truth be told, my father had given me the cue a long time ago but of course, I took it lightly. I was not ready physically and mentally. My mother was not very supportive of my father’s decision because she did not want me to do it out of enforcement from them. It was not because she was condoning my actions and rights, but because she’s afraid it might back fire them and in the end, they’ll be hurt. I promised myself that I will wear it when I am ready. When will I be ready? I will never be ready unless I force myself to be ready. A while ago someone asked me, if a guy that I like asked me to wear it, will I wear it? I said no. It is not because of ego but I will do it for myself on my own terms and of course, because of God, not because of another boy. If he loves me enough, he'll accept me whichever way that I may go.
When people asked me why I made such decision, I gave them the easiest answer. “My father gave me the cue already” Truth be told, my father had given me the cue a long time ago but of course, I took it lightly. I was not ready physically and mentally. My mother was not very supportive of my father’s decision because she did not want me to do it out of enforcement from them. It was not because she was condoning my actions and rights, but because she’s afraid it might back fire them and in the end, they’ll be hurt. I promised myself that I will wear it when I am ready. When will I be ready? I will never be ready unless I force myself to be ready. A while ago someone asked me, if a guy that I like asked me to wear it, will I wear it? I said no. It is not because of ego but I will do it for myself on my own terms and of course, because of God, not because of another boy. If he loves me enough, he'll accept me whichever way that I may go.
101 reasons can be listed on why I
made this decision but some shall be kept to me. The event that became the starting point of it all was during my flight back to Malaysia, from Korea. I wrote it a while ago in here. Of course, I still remember how the incident happened vividly. When someone asked you what is your religion, it feels like they just slapped you with the biggest brick ever existed in the world but of course, it didn't help much with the fact that I was wearing shorts with a hoodie and I had to recite Al-Fatihah to him, just to prove to him that I am a Muslim. In the first place, I did not need to prove to him that I am a Muslim but having to explain to him that I was one was embarrassing and it showed ignorance from my end. It made me think hard, it made me think deep. At least, that was how I felt at that time. Probably it was the way that I carry myself as well. I don't want to be the person that seeks for Him, only when I am in trouble and forget about Him, when I am free and happy. Plus, the five funerals that I went to, in six months left a big impact in my mind. Life is short. Life is short. Life is short.
For every time I am in a dilemma on how to face a situation on what to wear and such, somehow there will always be a solution to it at the nick of time. Life is actually really simple, if you don't complicate them. Just because I started wearing tudung, does not mean I just started praying and just because I started wearing tudung, I will start preaching like I know everything. Nope. I am still me, the girl that you will find laughing loudly at the corner while she's eating her roti canai, playing with her phone and gushing about Ashton Kutcher :)
For every time I am in a dilemma on how to face a situation on what to wear and such, somehow there will always be a solution to it at the nick of time. Life is actually really simple, if you don't complicate them. Just because I started wearing tudung, does not mean I just started praying and just because I started wearing tudung, I will start preaching like I know everything. Nope. I am still me, the girl that you will find laughing loudly at the corner while she's eating her roti canai, playing with her phone and gushing about Ashton Kutcher :)
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