Father.

My father is a very simple man. He doesn't say much, doesn't do much, doesn't eat much, doesn't complain much and above all, he's very conservative yet very open. I hardly write about my father because.. All of the above.. Hehe.. When we were growing up, there was never really anything to talk about unless for those necessary thing such as asking for money, asking him to pick me up from tuition or school and stuffs. Now that I am older and finally working, we can talk a bit more now. Conversation can go as far as the business market that I pretend to know about when I am actually clueless, this so and so who works here and there and such but of course, he is still my number one ATM machine. I definitely respect and appreciate my parents moreeeee now that I am working because they hardly say no to anything that we asked for. Wish I could write more here but typing on the phone sucks. I just wanna wish Happy Fathers Day to the best father I have, the one who will call me 1000000 times for getting a parking ticket, the one that will bail me out from any trouble, the one that will back me up when I fight with Mama hehe, the one that loves car but doesn't want to drive it, the one who doesn't eat dinner because he doesn't wanna get fat and the one that inspires me to do better in life, even when he doesn't say much. I love you, Pa. Such a loser. I don't hv much picture with my dad but this will do. The best parents in the world :'*

Necessity.

This is going nowhere. Maybe. Time flies these days. I wish it would just move gracefully. In need of time to process what had happened, what is happening and what will happen but time waits for no man. That is a saying that we should always hold on to. I check my phone these days, to see what is happening on the virtual world when actually, life itself is happening in front of me. Sometimes, you really don't appreciate what you have in front of you, till it's gone. I didn't put on my deep mode thinking cap, it was just a moment when something clicked and I know what I want. I want my life to be away from your circle of friends. Maybe I am still in a confusing mode, trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece. Each day of my life has been about me, convincing myself that the missing piece is not actually missing but somehow it is hidden or it has turned into a camouflage, making the object that I want visible but momentarily, it is harder to locate in those form. I told you, this is going nowhere. In need of  a holiday, to go elsewhere where my sights will be seeing green, rather than gray. The colour in between. Being 24 sucks, although it is my favourite number.

Today, I feel appreciated because this was sent to the Whatsapp group.

If only the post-it notes were bigger, then maybe I can tell you how glad I am to be under your invisible wing, though I may be playful and clumsy, all the time.

Lifeless.

 

Those rare nights, where you take a step back and snap a mental picture of your surroundings or in this case, you take your phone out from your handbag to capture this moment. I was walking out of the LRT station in Dang Wangi on a Friday night, when I decided to pretend like as if I was walking out of Canary Wharf, a major business district in London. The only thing missing was my cup of Costa. It was on this night, where we hung out, had a few puffs of shisha, some hummus, chicken wings, and one striking question was asked across the dinner table. 

"What is life to you?" 

Or some sort of a similar question was asked.

I really have no idea. 

Life is about being happy and content, without the need to be perfect at all times. 

That's what I thought, at first but then again, to be honest, I am not that happy right now. I am not saying that I am miserable as well. I am just trying to be content with what I have and reducing my wants because I know what I have now is sufficient. 

It is those little things in life that adds up to the big picture. 

I am searching, still for that day to come where I can say that I am perfectly happy with my life. 

Probably, as I go older, I will find what I need. 

As for now, my answer is, I try to find happiness in those little things in life, 

even if the little things mean, by pretending to be at Canary Wharf while holding a cup of Costa, 

when in actual fact, I am walking in Dang Wangi while holding a can of Nescafe. 

That miserable week.

It has been a while since a dream really meant something. To wake up with a nightmare is a relief, rather than to wake up with having thoughts of you. J.K Rowling once said “Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else,” How random it is for me to be quoting J.K Rowling, an author that I don’t really fancy because her art is somewhat too deep and too brilliant, that I don’t really understand but for that one line, I do get it.

Back to that Wednesday night when you made an appearance in my dream, it was not a dream where you came and showed yourself up, physically. It was just your voice, whispering something significant and leaving me in this miserable state, not knowing how to react to it. That blurry line that you created, as blurry as it is, it is still crystal clear to me. Last week, I had a crazy haywire week and with this dream that came along, it became a burden rather than something that I should be happy about. Everything turned upside down, in the last week of March; I thought the world is going against me.

It started off when I lost Ines' phone during the Demi Lovato concert on Friday night. It happened in a split second. Continously, I was being paranoid on Monday, thinking that I did not switch off the iron. Hence, clumsy me had to go back to Bangi from KL Sentral after 5 minutes of settling down at the office. The iron was switched off, perfectly. The next day, I woke up late at about 7.21am and I performed my morning prayers as usual, or how they would say “Subuh Gajah”. The only thing is, I prayed 3 rakaat, instead of just 2 rakaat. I was in a trance state of mind, perhaps. Later at work, I was telling my Chinese colleague about it and her reply was too funny. “Isn’t it good that you prayed more? You should just bow 2 times but you bowed 3 times?” Hahaha how do I explain that it doesn’t work that way. On that same particular day, I lost my parking ticket. For the past 6 months that I have been working, I’ve never lost my parking ticket or make that, for the past 23 years of my existence, I have never lost a parking ticket but of course, there’s always a first time for everything. The week proceeded as usual, until Friday, when I left half of my purchase at the groceries store at a shop in TTDI and I only realized it, on Saturday morning when my chicken drummets went missing. Just typing it out tires me out, imagine having to go through it and feeling freaking miserable about it. On top of that, I had to pretend that I am A-Okay at work but of course I was not. Imagine, sitting next to your boss, nodding to every word that she said, acting like you can comprehend the debit credit part of accounting when you have no idea what’s going on because your mind was not there but instead, it went to Shah Alam. The pen that you’re holding dropped and your boss went “Min, Min.” Quite funny, now when I look back at it but it needs some kind of a special power for another human being to handle me these days. If it’s a male, he needs to be a superman. If it’s a female, she needs to be like... My mother. Hahaha. So, how did I fix my week? I ditched work, the whole weekend and spent quality time with those that matters and I picked up the phone to call you up. Not only that it needed courage for me to that but I had to be sane as well. I think I am, for me to be talking to you for half an hour. I should be alright and come what may, I’ll be okay.

An old post.

"In checkered sarong, you came. You pulled a chair and lit up a cigarette.  You started chatting with my friends, who were once your circle of friends too. I sat there, trying to snap a mental picture for my own keepsake. Not every detail is worth to remember but this night, this one particular night happened, unintentionally. I barely talked to you, I was happier that way. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can talk to my friends like normal again, just as casual as before but this time, we stand on our own feet. Your foot was not resting on mine and my hands were not on your thigh. We were two separate entities. Not that we were ever as one. We barely made it there. Somehow, out of all the nights that we’ve hung out after everything has happened, this night bothers me, a lot. The feeling of normality and conformity suits the atmosphere of the night. I wonder what you were thinking that night. My mind went blank. I needed as much space as I could to store all the memories I could gather that night. I love seeing you with my friends. I feel like I am finally at home, with you."

Mercy.

I suppose, it's about time that I update about my work now since it a few days time, I'll hit my 6 months mile stone in audit. That is something, considering how much I hated it in the first few months. I don't hate it as much now, the feeling is just neutral. To be honest, I found the thing that I was so scared of and it was my manager. Ha ha ha. I don't know what happened along the way, maybe it was the my parent's prayers, God's mercy on me and so much more, that everything changed. Take note, I still think that audit is not for me but at least, work became bearable because of the people around it. No doubt, the nature of the work is still so hard for me. I've never done it in real life, ni pulak kan nak check keje orang. Anyway, I still feel like I'm the problematic associate. Haha I do the stupidest thing that anyone can do. For example, I can go into a meeting of 4 people, where everyone is staring at each other's eyes, and suddenly, my pen was running out of ink at the beginning of it. I swear these little things are so not funny at that particular moment but looking back at it now, my God..... 

Anyway, all I'm saying is,  I am still alive. That's all. Too sleepy to write an essay!

Pain in all forms.

Wishing that I was a little kid, again who only recognizes fun, laughter and physical pain if I ever fall down.

Physical pain is easily cured but not emotional and mental pain.

I wonder if I ever did recover from one of those intangible pain?

Because sometimes, when I look back and I flip through those memories,

I don't remember what had happened but somehow, I remember what I felt. 

A baby, no more.

Growing up, my brother and I were never that close as we have a 4 year old gap in between us. 4 years is not that much but I guess, we are just so different while growing up. I remember calling him Adam when we were younger until my aunty said, "He's your big brother. Call him Abang Adam". So I did call him Abang Adam until of course, now it became Abdam. As we grow older, I moved to Shah Alam and at that time, he was living in Subang, we were forced to be close to each other. We were forced to talk to each other. He would pick me up from my college and send me back to my aunty's place in Ampang, then we would go out for dinner or lunch. He would call me once in a while to check on me. I will call him up for money or my free ticket. Haha. What else can a little sister do to his big brother? Ask for things and bug him, always. 

 He will always tell me all his girl problems, never about work and I will always listen and just gave him a straight up answer that he probably never want to hear but somehow, I never tell him who am I going out with or anything.  I wonder why.. Things have changed and he's getting married in about 6 more days. I know I will not lose him as  a brother but after this, I cannot be mad at him if he prioritizes the wife, over the sister. Its a tad bit emotional thinking about it actually. So, my brother is getting married soon. Boo hoo. Wait, I'm living with him after this. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. 

Last time having dinner with the cousins before he gets married. 

My first peak period.

My father does not say much on a daily basis. Our phone calls are those calls that are just so awkward and weird. He will call for important things and maybe once or twice, when he really misses me but I always take his words seriously. I am so miserable right now because of work and he knows it, through my daily conversation with my mother. I was at the verge of breaking down, that on one night, I felt so freaking miserable that I went to sleep, crying. The pressure was too much, I don't think I can handle it. At that time, I called my mother and I just cried my heart out. First thing that my mother did the next day was, she took the afternoon flight to KL, just to check on me but before she board the plane, my father said "Ask Min to quit her job," My mother told me that and she added, "That's not a suggestion, that's an order" 

I am as miserable as fuck. I swear I am. Shouldn't I be happy to wake up in the morning? I should thank God for another day in this wonderful life but instead, its another miserable and long day, ahead of me. Usually, that's how I feel in the morning, but as the day unfolds itself, my day gets better actually. During the day, I will get my momentum going but of course, in the middle of it, I stumbled and I find it hard to get up again. For every problem, there must be a solution. That's what I tell myself but for me to settle my problem, I have to face it the boss, which indirectly shows my incompetency and stupidity, which I am totally fine but somehow, working comes in a package of 'Stress and Expectation'. 

I am slow, I admit. Everyone around me keeps on saying, accounting is a routine. I do agree on that but a routine is something that you do repeatedly. I have never done it before. So, technically, its not a routine for me. As of now, I feel like I am the problematic associate, or wait, I am the problematic associate. It feels like I am stuck in the wrong job. Perhaps I am. Its a rare chance that you will love your first job, instantly but you can certainly know when it is the wrong one. Someone said 'I think auditing is not for you, maybe you should try something else. You know, not being able to do audit is not the end of the world' True. I second every word of that sentence but this is my first real engagement, how do I know that the next engagement will not be as hard as this? How do I know that it is not my cup of tea during my first engagement? It's too soon to tell. 

I remember having a really hard time when I was in my last year of Diploma because we had too many subjects and at one point, I cannot cope with it but I stayed on and finished it. I wonder if that's the same case as this one. I have so many things to say right now but my mind is somehow fucked and screwed because a file decided to corrupt itself and I can't find it in my local copy in my laptop. Life is great, too great sometimes but whatever it is, Mom said, hold on to God. In times of despair and uncertainty, turn to him and he will guide you throughout the way. I shall hold on to that.

Goodnight everyone. Don't join audit. 

Jumping from 23 to 24.

Just when I thought that turning 23 years old was a big thing, then come another year added to the number and of course, the number becomes greater, the pressure becomes higher and of course, your responsibility increases as well. I'll be 24 years old next year and my life is totally opposite from what I had imagined when I was 10 years old. If there was any memory that I tried my best to hold on to when I was in my primary school, it would be this one where it was a decent conversation that we had at the school canteen when I was 10 years old with Sharifah, Shakirah and Maisara. The conversation triggered when one of them said  something like 'When we grow up, in our early 20s we should live together. At least, we will always be together'. Back then, everyone was looking forward to growing up as fast as possible, wanting to leave our parents house, with dreams of making it big on our own, when little that we know, life is not that easy, not that simple. Everyone is living separately, scattered all around the nation but I know for sure that we will always have each other's back. 2012, shall be categorized as the experimental year, where I experienced things that I never thought I ever wanted to and I never thought I could.

In January, after four and a half year journey with my friends, I finally sat for  my last exam as a Degree student, with bittersweet feelings. No one wanted to leave the comfort zone of being a student. Looking back, our university life was actually easy. Our parents provided us with cars, endless amount of money whenever is needed, scholarships, a house and there was never a moment where we had to live in hunger or starve ourselves to sleep. All we had to do was study ;') To pack and leave the house was easy but to leave the housemates and memories, was not. And then, came the Dinner with the Wedding theme. Mom really did put in effort for my dinner attire to make sure that I was not wearing anything revealing and sexy this time around. Hahaha. Thank you, Mother :) And, not to forget our epic performance that night. Gosh, how did we pull it off? Dancing for a good 15 minutes in front of the VC and the whole crowd, that was really something worth remembering. Good times, that we had but of course, the end of my university life means, the start of all the uncertainty. I was puzzled, not knowing what I wanted in life. To pursue my ACCA full time or to just start working and pursue my ACCA as a part time student?

In February, my best friend lost her father. Thank God, I was in Kedah when everything happened and I tried my best to be there for her and her family. No one can ever be prepared or be fully prepared in facing death but no one can escape it, either. That was when I started to remind myself, to always remember about death because it can happen anytime, anywhere. During that time, I was facing with 3 funerals as well, as two of my uncles passed away as well. Al-Fatihah... It was in this month, when I stumbled upon a lot of signs, leaving me puzzled about a few things. You appeared, during my every thoughts of you. It was rather scary and it haunted my every move. We were never meant to be together right, so why did you show up in times when I needed to see you?

In March, it was time to use my last free ticket as a student. I chose London again, to redeem the promise that I had made with Hannah. London was beautiful as always but with its unpredictable weather, it made me miserable. For someone who has wanted to study abroad, London would have been the correct place because it is the right place for to do ACCA but for some reason, I just couldn't wait to go back to Malaysia. It felt right. Maybe because I've been through too much of death at that time, I can't bear the thoughts of being away from my family, if anything happens again. Shallow thinking, maybe but I can't help it but to think, too much. The first thing that I did when I came back home was to enrol myself in UiTM, again but this time, to do my professional papers,

In April, classes started as usual but I had all the free time in the world. From being a student who attended classes from 8.30am to 6.30pm, to only 4 or 5 classes per week, I was really bored. Precious time wasted and money too, I was too bored so I applied for a job. (Now as I am typing this, a tiny bit of regret starts to surface...) To be honest, I applied for a few jobs; one as a Management Trainee under Human Resource, one as an Finance Executive at a local bank and one as an Auditor. I thought I should do something that will compliment my professional papers, hence that's why I became an auditor. It was at that time, that I knew that looking for a job is not easy, especially when you have no experience, hence one cannot be picky in choosing a job. So I made a promise to myself that when the  month of September steps in, I'll just close my eyes and just work. Ahhhh. Wrong move?

In May, I had my convocation and of course, my parents and my friends came. Frankly, I was quite disappointed with myself because I fooled around during my Degree and of course, I didn't graduate with a first class degree. My parents were not excited to come to my convocation but they still came with balloons and flowers. The sad part of this is knowing that I could have made them happy if I were to study more, a bit but nonetheless, I vowed to pass my ACCA papers in one go. And oh, it was in this month where I was supposed to submit my working contract but I did not read it properly, so I did not send it before the stipulated date. At that time, I was already questioning my decision whether if its the correct decision. Was that a sign from God telling me not to take the job? Lol lol. 

In June, the library became our second home as everyone was busy preparing for the exam. We went to the library early in the morning and left only after midnight for three weeks. No one knew how to tackle the questions, how to allocate our time and how to actually answer the question but a junior gave us the best advice. He said that no matter how clueless you are, just don't stop writing and put down your pen. Just continue writing even if it doesn't make sense because at the end of the day, its the examiner that will decide whether it is right or wrong but at least, you wrote something. I also made a stupid rule, to not go and see you until I am done with my paper, so that I will not jinx it and right after that, you were the first person that I saw. Hmmmm.

In July, during my short break, my parents were contemplating whether or not I should perform the endoscopy procedure because my stomach was really bad at that time, but alhamdulillah with lots of Vitagen and fiber intake, everything is so much better now. Hehe. Its really not funny when you're sick and that's when you really wish that you had taken a better care of your body and it was at this time, when I changed my status from a full time student to a part time student, for real. I didn't know whether I was ready or not but I knew I had to be ready. To just kill the ample time that I had, I would still go to the full time classes and that was when I knew that I was not ready to work, because I know peanuts about accounting, especially the technical side of it.

In August, it was my last Hari Raya as a student, it was my last hope to get duit raya and I have to say, it was satisfying! Hahaha so, next year will be my first time of giving duit raya, will update on how it goes :) My results came out on this month as well and it was just satisfying as my duit raya. Hehe. I thought I would fail, hence I wanted to work but turned out, I didn't fail :)

In September, came the month that I was never excited about. Thinking about it gave me nightmares, sweaty palms and more. Then at one point, I was thinking too much about it, I just went in with a open heart. Since I did my internship at the same place, I knew how it was going to be like and suddenly, flash back of memories of the days that I never wanted to wake up and go to work. Bad memories were pushed aside, come 18th of September I showed up to work, with new spirit. Hehe. During the early days, it was the best times because we only had trainings and of course, free coffee and free food. It was always delicious and fattening!! And it was also during training that I found auditing really hard and the concept is really is complex and confusing... And oh, work means its time for me to cover up! And and, it was in September that I last saw you and within that 8 hours of time spent together, I moved on, even it it doesn't sound possible but I did. It was in September that many left to pursue their Masters in the UK :(

In October, my first engagement started and I was new to everything. I learned, I studied and I explored new sides of accounting. My job was actually really relaxed and quite laid-back. It was just a small team of three and everyone got along well. Work was going along just fine but to juggle work, studies and social life was troublesome. Its not possible to push family and friends aside, not that I wanted to but its all about priorities. Weekends meant its time to study but when your parents are in town, it meant something else. I carried my books everywhere, it became such a burden, especially when the book was not even flipped open most of times. Its all about adjusting and I am still at the adjustment stage until now.

In November,  I went into a new engagement. It was different. Somehow, the pressure was really high. Learning had to be done faster, I could barely catch up. That's when I knew I was really slow because looking back, I didn't really do much. Haha. It was all about a  steep learning curve. Learning and adapting. I thought I was the worst in the bunch to have cried and wept over small matter but a senior told me, she vomited, cried and had fever during her first month working and after that, I felt normal again. Hahaha. The one thing that I need to work on is actually my memory. I should remember the details by heart and swallow it!

In December, I got my 10 days break due to my study leave. It was partly heaven, partly hell. For the first few days, it was not easy to make your mind focus on study especially when work keeps on popping up, every morning right before you leave for the library. It was heaven when my time was scheduled based on my own time table. I can go out anytime that I want, I can go back at anytime that I want. Hell, because the exam was too tough. As much as I don't want to be in denial, 10 days is not enough. Of course you need more than that. If I were to fail my exam,I would just go and sit for the exam again with an open heart. Once, someone asked me, how was your exam and I said, I think I failed my exam and so, I'll sit for it again in June June sitting and the person said, 'Oh you're so pessimistic' I thought I'm being all optimistic by embracing my future failure and being all open minded about it? Not apparently. Maybe time to change my mindset and be all optimistic for 2013.

Like I said, 2012 was the experimental year, where I tried many new things and 2013 will be just the same.