why dont i feel like writing anything when i have tonnes to say?

2015

31 days into the new year, I realised that I have not written anything this year. I have not documented anything here, at all. Peak period bug as always come every January nowadays. God knows when I will be able to stop but at this point, I can't just stop half way. I sure do hope to see some light at the end of the tunnel. 

How is my year so far, you may ask? And I can say that this 31 days have been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride. Its 1 am and I am still up, doing my work. I wish there is a pause button where I can press and the world will stop moving for a while but I do not have that privilege. Life goes on, as always. 

I started my year, wrongly. That's how I feel. Wrong move, at the wrong time but slowly, time is healing itself. 

Home, as always.

6 years later, I visited the same exact place but one thing that hit me, I don't remember a thing. I knew I have been to the same place,  I knew I am walking back to the same street, I knew I had ice cream from the same ice cream parlor but heck, I do not remember a single thing that happened. The power of blocking those memories, I reckon. If there is something that I have learned from having my heart broken is that; I have mastered the art of blocking memories, be it bad or good. It is much more easier to not remember anything, rather than being sad about not being able to relive those good memories again and being even more sad thinking about having to endure those painful ones. 

I remember my Houston trip, step by step. I remember my London trip, each one of them. I remember my LA trip, every step of the way but I don't remember this one trip because my mind and my heart stayed back. It stayed with that one person that still feels like home, even until today. The only one that can make me write long sappy posts. He makes the one that came after, look like a temporary plaster. 

I don't know what I want, but I know I have never wanted anything more than this. 

Favourite piece of the trip.

Terapung.

Never have I imagined that it will be this way, years later, but not that I have not been imagining it further during the earlier years. I did think about it before and I am still thinking about it, now but things are getting out of hand, I am slowly letting it go. Today is such a random day, I decided to turn my head to the left and suddenly, I saw you driving off at the traffic light. What are the odds? I don't even want to count the possibilities of it happening but I think I shall just count my blessings. I picked up the phone and called you straight away, just for a simple confirmation that it was really you driving the car. So, it was really you. I asked you out for breakfast but you politely declined, saying that you were rushing for something, we will meet up for lunch or tea later in the evening. True enough, you called a few hours later and we did meet up for lunch. In those few hours, I have been trying to figure out if this is a sign from above, some kind of divine intervention that I should be happy about or just some kind of coincidence that usually happened? I can just casually bump into people, into anyone but no, I have to bump into you. Life is strange. So, we talked for hours and I did ask you, "Bila last kita lepak macam ni eh?" Your classic answer "Dah lama gila tak lepak macam ni," Yea, it has been a while. I have no idea what is in store for us. I have no clue, as to why the ship is still floating. 

Frozen

Thank God for the existence of Fox movies or else, I will not watch Frozen, despite listening to the songs for the millionth time, everyday! Such a simple movie, with an overplayed song, with a simple message at the end of it, "Love is to put someone else's happiness ahead of yours,". Out of all the days, trust me, that message seemed like the perfect ending to today. 

I came back to Alor Star this round, to clear my mind before another round of final audit starts. I've been warned to get a good break since I might have to juggle two final audits at one time. I have no idea how is that going to happen but until the time comes, I shall just breathe like a normal human being. Anyway, the reason I came back is to be there for my mom since my dad went to visit my brother in Maldives and also, I wanted to find myself again and no other better place to do so, then here, in Alor Star. "To find myself again" sounds like I've been lost all these while, and if you have been talking to me in real life, probably you would understand what I mean. Literally, I am lost in wonderland. 

And its just weird, unusual and strange that I might have found myself again at the traffic light? Hahaha nonsense talk right here. Not really, its just that I can't really reveal but damn, what are the odds of it happening every time that I come home?

Goal.

Reaching a quarter of a century; I think I have lost myself, almost completely. Part of me blames my choice of career, part of me blames my choice of man, part of me blames my attitude and part of me wishes that the cause of it, is just one reason when I know, it is not. It is an accumulation of above all. People around me know, I enjoy spring cleaning and I don't do that anymore. That kind of satisfaction that I get from holding a broom, or a cloth to wipe all the dusts; I don't feel that anymore. I used to read story books and get lost in those fairy tales; I don't read that anymore. I run or more like, walk in the morning sometimes, but I don't do it anymore. Work sucks all the energy and truly, it doesn't give that kind of satisfaction. Wait, let me clear things up first. I don't hate my job. I love the people that I am working with, they push me forward, they build me up and they support me but the job sucks the energy out of you and gives you unnecessary stress. I want to stop, I really do but I have always envied those people that managed to complete their three years, while having fun. I want to complete my three years. I really do, but my heart feels heavy now when my favourite person in the firm is leaving. Will I be able to survive? I truly hope so. Anyway, since the job sucks the energy out of you, all the extra time that you have will be spent to replenish those energy, which means you will sleep like as if there is no tomorrow. Your room can look like a rat's place but you don't give two hoots. 'Your sleeping time can't be compromised', that is what you think but in actual fact, you're compromising your youth. I wish I have other things going on in my life, so that I don't feel like such a loser.

Hence, that's why I am resorting back to writing. I should make sure that my room is always clean now and I should care more about my studies. 

Oh, it would have been so much easier if all of these are because of one absolute reason; being heartbroken. At least I can just point it out to just one main reason but it is not. Its your loss for not being the better man, that I have always hoped you will be. I guess, the three words remain; life goes on. Really. 

You go back to do things that once made you happy. You find that thing that will always define who you are. You do the things that can make you smile. You can't always go back but you can always move forward. 

I have a few days break now, for me to find some peace in life before the crazy life starts again in mid September and at that time, I will be alone and literally, alone and I hope I will be strong enough to do it without having anyone to hold my hand. 

And I hope, I will find myself again. 

The butterfly found its home.

It doesn't make sense that the butterfly is still fluttering around. At least one is still there. I can feel it. It does fly around randomly and aimlessly. The butterfly was calm and it was stable. Stable enough to know that it wants to be there, forever. And, all I need is just one look, to know that the butterfly is still there.

Pretty much.

Last week was quite a happy week. Puasa started, I got promoted, we started talking again, my parents came, I dropped by the office for a few hours, had dinner with Yana and celebrated Elena's birthday together with my promotion. Pretty much sums up my week. Twas a good one.

Pelik.

I am in the position where I should be able to write, come up with some sad post, or just a few lines full of dramatic emotions but I can't. No sentence, no words, nothing. All I could come up with, was.. Grow up.. I reckon its the age factor that makes me deal with things differently, or perhaps its the feeling that was not as deep as I thought it would be. Long gone all the confusion that I had to deal with, I am fine with this.

If this was the 19 year old Min, I would have been so miserable, life would be hay wired, again but now that I am older, I could sense that this was about to repeat itself, I actually faced it first and I decided not to revisit them again.

Happy graduation.

There I was questioning myself again, if I have ever gotten through a rough time like this and if I ever did get through it, what did I do in order to get through it? I found myself in the same position, over and over again, only to realise that time may have passed by but I didn't move an inch from where I last stood. Pages have been flipped to the next one, I am still hanging out here, waiting to be saved by the one and only. The word 'try' is somehow over-rated but I have so much hope in it, I used it excessively. Now, I am stuck in the same place again, with very different feelings and emotions but somehow, somehow, I know I am at the beginning of a very bad mess. After all, I learned that one can love one person after the other, but it will never be the same kind of love, with the same amount of love. You tend to be more careful and you will guard your heart with 12 soldiers and bricks all around it, depending on the immensity of the heart break before that. If it was up to me, I would have locked it up and I will throw away those master keys, without hesitating and without making any 'just-in-case' copies because sometimes, or most of the times, you tend to use it, even when you don't need to. I am one confused human being right now, that the line between personal and professional life gets blurry and greyish.