Pelik.

I am in the position where I should be able to write, come up with some sad post, or just a few lines full of dramatic emotions but I can't. No sentence, no words, nothing. All I could come up with, was.. Grow up.. I reckon its the age factor that makes me deal with things differently, or perhaps its the feeling that was not as deep as I thought it would be. Long gone all the confusion that I had to deal with, I am fine with this.

If this was the 19 year old Min, I would have been so miserable, life would be hay wired, again but now that I am older, I could sense that this was about to repeat itself, I actually faced it first and I decided not to revisit them again.

Happy graduation.

There I was questioning myself again, if I have ever gotten through a rough time like this and if I ever did get through it, what did I do in order to get through it? I found myself in the same position, over and over again, only to realise that time may have passed by but I didn't move an inch from where I last stood. Pages have been flipped to the next one, I am still hanging out here, waiting to be saved by the one and only. The word 'try' is somehow over-rated but I have so much hope in it, I used it excessively. Now, I am stuck in the same place again, with very different feelings and emotions but somehow, somehow, I know I am at the beginning of a very bad mess. After all, I learned that one can love one person after the other, but it will never be the same kind of love, with the same amount of love. You tend to be more careful and you will guard your heart with 12 soldiers and bricks all around it, depending on the immensity of the heart break before that. If it was up to me, I would have locked it up and I will throw away those master keys, without hesitating and without making any 'just-in-case' copies because sometimes, or most of the times, you tend to use it, even when you don't need to. I am one confused human being right now, that the line between personal and professional life gets blurry and greyish. 

The "Ikea" post.

"Plenty of time yesterday, I sat down and kneeled down  on my praying mat. Somehow, as much faith that I have in God, I still have my doubts and sorrows. Ways to show that I am only human, I can only hope for the best. Unfair for me to be feeling this way alone, when you’re in love with someone else wholeheartedly. Miracles do happen to those who believe in the power of the upper hand. I am one of them; I rest my case when the universe has spoken. My heart and my mind, they went bonkers last week trying to comprehend what is going on, what will be going on and how it is going to happen. I’m not strong and never was. So, I prayed for God to show me the way, lead me to the truth and stray away from what is not right. 30 minutes after, my mother called and she asked me to go to Ikea to buy some curtains. Maybe this is just a random request that mother loves to give me, or maybe this is my prayers being granted within miliseconds because going to Ikea would have been perfect if we were only going out officially or perhaps if we’re married. Browsing around furniture, attractive colour schemes for the whole house, the perfect bed for two, couches and sofas and up to those tiny setups of curtains and lamps, I’ve always wanted to go to Ikea with you. Given the time and day, this was the perfect moment. 8 lace curtains were bought for Mother, seems like I’ve gotten the blessings. Awkwardly, we browsed through those aisles of dreams, briefly. To ever have those dreams planted in my mind, without it ever being transformed into reality, is just too much for me to bear in my loose abstract mind. Spending the day with you, it feels right as much as it feels weird. Ironically, Ikea is home, just like how I picture you in my mind, you’re home. One day later, I opened your Twitter page and you stated there “One and only” Clearly, it’s not for me. Stupid, I maybe am for using my heart to think but shallow; I am not because I am aware of your current relationship and I’ll never be the third person here. This is too much for it to be going on for almost five years, this is too much for it to even still be in my mind but each sign that I get, brings us forward, creating a bond that I’ll never have with anybody else, even if I try my hardest to have with the rest of the world. Unfair, if I am the only one to ever be feeling this. I guess, life is never fair and every time that we part, I wish you’d never say “See you again, soon” because those words get my hopes high and as for now, I am still on cloud nine, waiting for the ultimate weapon to bring me down."

(March 2012) 

So young, so clueless but hey, IKEA is the place. Hahaha 

Happy.

I see new things every day and today, I see something that I have not seen in a while. Its not new to me but somehow, I believe that God is telling me to just wait and be patient. Do take note that this is just some thought of mine that shouldn't be voiced out but I want this to be a reminder to myself, so that I don't settle down, just because. Just because, can be caused by some factor like perhaps, I am lonely or in desperate need to get married or settle down, or maybe just the feeling of having my own little family. 

From what I witnessed today, my priority should change. Before this, I wanted someone I can talk to and I am willing to push aside a lot of things. If I can talk to that one person day in and day out, without getting bored, I believe I can settle down with him. However, from what I witnessed today, I think my list of priorities is about to be amended. I should find someone who doesn't annoy me as much. For someone who gets easily annoyed, I should find someone that can do anything but still, I don't feel like strangling him but for me to feel that way, I must have loved that person very much to actually close my eyes to his annoying self, which I believe every man is. Twisted. Indeed. 

I just do not like what I saw during dinner today. I do not want that for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, I don't want to come back home and feel annoyed. Of course I will have that feeling during some days but dear God, please lessen those days and make those days as minimal as possible. I just want to be happy.

2013.

It's that time of the year again, where a long winded post will be written in order to recall and capture what has happened throughout the whole entire year. I like year end post; it's like a cut-off point for you to come up with some lame new year resolutions in hope of being a better person since you left your last year's resolution unfinished. Hehe. But seriously, 2013 has been nothing but challenging in all sort of aspects; life, work, family, friends, time-management and more. Warning ahead, its a long post. 

The hot topic that has been buzzing around right now is about the price hike. I would be lying if I were to say that I am not affected by it because of course, I will be. Monthly salary won't be increased anytime soon and that only means one thing, having to adjust the current lifestyle. I am so not looking forward to 2014, thinking about this and my age; twentyfreakingfive (That's a different topic altogether). Rumour that has been swirling around, said that toll prices will be increased quite a bit and for someone who is living slightly outskirt, I will definitely feel the burden. If only I can take the public transport, I would but of course, my nature of work does not allow me to do so because no LRT station opens at 2am during peak period, no? The petrol prices went up right after the election. Giving 50 dollar note to the petrol station cashier, will only last you for 4 days instead of 7 days, as before this. Times like these, made me wish I had exercised my right as a voter but looking at the current situation, I'm sure I would have voted for the wrong party. Gah, super serious topic. Of course, when you have to pay for your own bills. Ha ha ha. I can still cope, I am paying for one person's living expenses. Just imagine those people with 3 kids and more, earning just as much and living in the city. How do they cope? Makes you want to just do better in life and help them out, in any possible way. Okay okay, I'll cut down on those expensive coffee on a weekly basis. 

And of course, 2013 had a lot of weird things happening in it. I remembered asking two of the closest people around me a random question like "Are you pregnant?" because they were behaving so oddly and they had no clue they were pregnant at all. The next day, both checked (different times) and both told me (separately) that they were pregnant. I think I am a psychic. And of course, those times where my dreams (tido malam) came true and it happened so quickly, I freaked out a bit. Imagine having a dream about your manager being angry at you and suddenly, she called and she was really angry, exactly like in the dream? The dream was practically being enacted and you're actually on your study leave, with no laptop with you at that time? (June 2013) Freaky. It was the same day that I discovered the name of my 2 year old crush. Let's just put it this way, there's a reason why I couldn't find out his name because it gave me heart attack. Same name? No no. Haha

Speaking off the same name, I met you twice this year and we had one deep conversation, which was initiated by you. Awkward, it was not because you would always bring up the topic in any possible way that you could but its just one of those things that I will never understand because I made it pretty clear, I laid out my feelings on the floor, on the paper and on the digital space. Your words, not mine, "We have gone through a lot, together." (September 2013) I know, of course I know but please allow me to move on peacefully because we both know if things were rewind, I am still not your chosen one, so why bother in the first place? If you were to ask me a year ago about all this, if you were still the one for me at the end of the day, I would be the happiest girl alive but now, not anymore. Things change and people change.

2013 was also about engagements, weddings and  more weddings. Weddings meant a whole new world to the lovebirds but for the guests, it meant gatherings! Seeing everyone living their own life and catching up with each other was nice. Trust me, more coming in 2014. Pressure is up? I guess so but look at the paragraph above, progress is quite slow ?! Hahaha

2013 also witnessed my biggest fear and my slow progress in my career life. Previous posts have always been about work lately because work consumed you. Or in my case, work consumed me but I chose my path and as for now, I should stick to it. Truly, I returned back to the old firm with one goal; to learn as much as possible because I know my technical skill is so poor. Now, for 2014, I will change my goal; to find my partner in life ( Ha ha ha) because when your intention is right, you will get what you want. As the year kicked off, I started the hardest task with the toughest engagement to date. The job scope that I got was super hard and I still hated them up to this day; payroll and accruals. To make things worse, I was freaking scared of the senior at that time. To the others, she was the most helpful, most relaxed, most efficient, kindhearted, most hardworking, funny, cool and extremely patient but for me, at the beginning, she was just a workaholic monster that every time she uttered a word, my whole world crumbled, my face turned white and I started to tremble. It was so bad that every time I talk to her, my head went haywire, I can't even understand a single word like "Makan" or even "Balik". Day in and day out in January, I would start my day with tonnes of Zikir and prayers just so that I would survive the long hours. Since the team was really close, they had fun at work, while I, suffered.  Even during weekends, I would still be pale just thinking about her, reviewing my work. It doesn't actually help that I am actually slow in learning and digesting anything that she taught me but somehow along the way, she never did give up on me. I will never understand why she never did because if I were given an associate like me, I, as the senior would have just quit. To say that she is patient would actually be an understatement. She would take time to really coach me from 8 pm to 2 am for two days, just on my favourite topic; accruals. As Day 1 failed, we moved on to Day 2. Looking back, I don't think anyone else would have that much patience and tolerance to deal with me but she still pursued on, continued coaching and never did give up, although both of us were so sleepy and tired at that time. My parents wanted me to quit right after this engagement but somehow, I told them "If the manager is willing to sacrifice her hours to teach me up until late night the least I can do is to stay on and apply whatever that she has taught me," I know I am slow learner and if I cannot perform my task excellently perhaps I can just show her that I am willing to learn and tackle whatever that is thrown my way. Somehow, my trick worked. As I said earlier, she's a workaholic (insert Whatssap monkey emoticon) , which means that sometimes, she would work long hours even on a Friday and at times, I would stay back with her. There was this one time, while I was still in the shivering/pale mode of talking to her, I accompanied her in the orange building till 12 pm because she wanted to do work and I was the one holding the key. The room was quiet and little words were exchanged in between. Somewhat, it was rather awkward and it really felt like I was this small associate with this very intimidating boss. I wonder what I was doing at that time. Haha. Probably pretending to be answering some of her review notes, when I should have gone back and sleep but remember the key, I have to show my eagerness. It's not so much about wanting to kiss your boss' ass or such, but it was more about looking for ways to make up for your weakness. I suppose, when you can't score on the IQ, you tackle the EQ? Haha. Later on, after 2 months of long working hours and I have slowly showed her the extremely stupid and playful side of me, she requested that I help her for her next engagements and it continued to the third and the fourth one. To be honest, she is just as playful but of course, more serious and mature than  me. Practically, I was under her for the next one year. So, imagine the transition around from I-am-so-scared-of-my-boss to Boss-can-you-buy-me-my-hair-conditioner-and-hair-serum-if-you-ever-go-to-Boots? kind of relationship. To be honest, she talks like my mother, even the sarcasm is the same  but her patience level is so much higher. Now, I see what everyone sees in her; the most coolest, hardworking, patient, helpful, kind-hearted manager I will ever work with. Ever. She will still scream, smack me with her long ruler, shout at me, ask me 10 zillions questions about audit that I can never answer but at least, now my face won't turn pale, my body doesn't shiver, my hands don't tremble anymore but I still won't be able to answer her 10 zillions question. Probably only 2% of it will be correct, if I ever answer :P The main point is, I got over my fear of a human being. Haha. I will always respect and adore her, more than just a manager because she never did give up on me, even when she should and I hope you will never read this because if you ever do, I will have to hide my face. Sincerely, your escort. Bleargh. Haha

I came back into the same engagement, 12 months later and the rest of the team expressed how much I have improved and its amazing how I am still around because they said I was among those who made a  public declaration that I wanted to quit but along the conversation, they dropped a pretty hurtful line, saying that at one point, I was slacking at work, they were not even sure if they should confirm me as a permanent staff. It was that bad, it wasn't even funny. That was quite painful but if I were to see it from an optimistic point of view, I have improved a lot. I should be proud of that. The silver lining in everything that you do but if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that work is not everything. Once you get off from work, work should stop right there. You go back home, you should sleep and not think about work. Family do come first and of course, your health and happiness. 

Other than that, I passed my P2 paper after the second sitting. Weee! I have to admit, I focused more on the worldly matter and I neglected the spiritual part of my life. I blamed it on work but someone told me later in the Afterlife, I can't answer God saying that I had work to do right? I kept on delaying my thoughts, it became a chore instead of a daily routine. I guess those are the little things that I need to pick up in 2014. My sister is leaving for the States in January. Life will be dull after that. I should focus on pleasing my parents more, prioritize on what's important. Life is hard if you make it hard. Have a splendid new year celebration, everyone!

Who knows?

                                                'Know what you want, in order to be happy'

Simple. I want to get married by the time I turned 26 years old. Dear God, please prep me up, so that I am ready to get married and actually be married when I turn 26. That is one. Number two. I want a stable life, not like the one I am living now, whereby I jump from one house to the next, based on where my client is. It's not fun and I honestly have lost my sense of stability. It'd be awesome if I can sleep in  my own double bed, with my yellow comforter with my own pillows, on a daily basis. Having my own shower in my own room, cursing at my own trash and mess instead of picking up other people's mess. The third one, it will be to have a job that I look forward to, every day. I wake up just fine every day, with some sense of responsibility, knowing that I have to get my job done but I don't know if I am doing it with a smile or am I doing it while I am cursing. I will always be forever thankful that I am working with really helpful, awesome people, who makes life bearable. Team mates that are always around when I need help, a boss that is forever understanding, knowing how slow I can be and yet, tolerate my silliness but somehow, at the end of the day, you tend to ask if you are actually doing this for your self or to please others? The answer will always be the latter one, which is to please others. I know what I want. I want to learn but its a steep learning curve. You ought to stumble once in a while but in my case, it has always been a struggle and I stumble more than anyone else but why am I still there, beats me. I don't know. God knows. In terms of material things, sure I want new handbags, new shoes, new jeans and more but you know, those things are only material possession. It makes you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't feed you in the inside. Note the miserable tone of this post. Peak season is starting. You tend to appreciate life more, when you have free time. Actually, I don't but you'd rather crack your tiny brain, trying to create a sentence here, rather than typing out on those Excel sheets, with Arial size font of 8 with pink coloured squares and thick borders outlining it. Little anal things that auditors do. Oh yes, post about my one year old journey. That shall be up soon. When I can finally breathe a bit.

Lost.

As of now, I can deal with a lot of things but I don't think I can ever deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next. Then the word 'redha' and 'tawakal' step in. Time to really have faith and hope for God's best plan for you.

Colour inside the borderline.

Someone from Twitter gave this awesome possum link, Humans of New York. When I am running out of inspiration to live by on a daily basis, this is my go-to web. 

But seeing all these people living their life oh-so-carefreely, with no restrictions, makes me feel tad bit depressed. Never will I have those courage to do something out of the box and risking my whole life away. Perhaps, I have been brought up in a way that I should always colour inside the line, never exceed the line. 

I think I should start something new. Maybe by gardening, I'll be happier. Or I should write more often. Pen down my thoughts daily. I used to do that. Then came this one simple word that destroyed my life. Responsibility. I thought that I should run.

Hilary Duff got that running shoes and what did I do? I bought the same shoes(almost but I think Malaysia might have an improvised version of it), hoping that I will have the same determination to run.

So far, I took my stripey baby out for only a few times in the morning and once in the evening. Running makes me feel fitter but it does not make me feel better. My satisfaction comes from sweeping and mopping, still. The thought of cleaning the dust, hair and cockroaches away can put me to sleep at night, with a smile. 

SHR

It was a month ago since I last blogged about, basically nothing much. A lot of things have been going on but I just don't see the point of me jotting down each and every details of every event simply because.. but then I do remember the feeling of reading each post with details of past events. Sure you'll remember that you went to that particular place but probably, you will not remember the details of it. Hence, I think I should go back to the reason why this blog is being created; for me to capture my feelings at that particular time.

As of now, the feeling is rimas and lemas because I went for a jog and I just did the house chores (except cooking. Let's just leave that to the expert) and I haven't taken my shower. Too much information? Hahaha I thought I have to capture everything? Raya was of course, just like any other Raya with less excitement. Year to year, the excitement kind of dies down a bit. That's normal I guess after having tonnes of discussions with everyone. The only difference this year was that, I gave out duit raya, instead of receiving them. To be honest, it felt better to be on this side, even though you know your money is flowing out, instead of flowing in but its about time. After 23 years of getting duit raya, its about time to give back. And, it is true that the value inside of the packet is not as important as the thought of giving them. Our trick is to combine our duit raya, so that it'll look like as if we are giving out lots. Hahah

Team bagi duit raya !

Apart from that, it was my first time of celebrating Ramadhan and Syawal as someone who works now. To be going to work during fasting month is actually tiring because you get up at 5 am daily and preferably, you don't go back to sleep afterwards. That is actually very early, if you're used to waking up slightly later, like moi. And to top it off, its not like you get to go to bed anytime earlier anyway. Even your walking pace slowed down during puasa, or is it just me. You're not as energetic as usual but somehow, you are not hungry. Haha okay this is like a 5 year old blog, trying to capture her first moment of fasting :P 

Crap, what else to update? How's life? Progressing well I suppose. Mom says I have not moved on. I say "Mom, yes I have moved on" and the conversation goes.. Krik krik krik... I am still living like a nomad. One week in Ampang, one week in Damansara and weekends in Bangi. Less outing these days because at the end of the day, all you want to is sleep! I have been working for 11 months today! *throws confetti!!* Who would have believed that? Such an achievement and I will definitely update the big milestone, when it reaches 12 months :)

And oh, the biggest news for this month. I passed my freaking P2 paper. Alhamdulillah! Finally! Hehe. After the second attempt, it was a success. I passed borderline but who cares? I passed. Haha and that's all that matters. My boss asked me to go for Accounting classes to fix my brain on Accruals because if there's one thing that can make me cry, it would be accruals. Haha the deal was that if I fail my exam, then I would go for Accounting classes, willingly but since I passed, then the deal is off. Haha. Life goes on as usual, I can sit for another paper :)

That's all the updates for now :) Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin.

Cluttered thoughts.

Stumbled across this picture on Mama's laptop, while I was trying to play bubble spinner. Its actually really hard to gather the four (plus one) of us, for one picture.