The truth hurts, always.

Every where, everyone keeps on posting about the memories of 2011. I cannot believe that 2011 is coming to an end already. I have not fully enjoyed 2011 and if there's one word to describe this year, it would be an 'eye-opener'year. Or should I say that this particular December has been an 'eye-opener' month? 

This past four weeks have been one hella of a month. I've been a lazy student, ignorant friend and a bad daughter. I just did not enjoy this December as much as I tried to. Okay chup, I should divide this post into two because I did actually enjoy my last day of class with my classmates but that's besides the point of this post. 

I had deep conversations with two persons tonight. One is with my mother. Lately, I've been throwing tantrums at her with no reasons. Well, I've got my own reasons but I guess after hearing her explanations, I owe an apology to her. I should have been more understanding, I should have listened to her closely and put my judgement aside.  I was being so stubborn that I wanted to win. It's not so much about winning but more to explaining what I am feeling. After I've let out my feelings, I forgot about how it would affect my mother. I said I am 22 years old, but tonight I realized I've acted like I am 10 years old. The only difference is I don't shout in the malls when I don't get things my way. I should have been more mature and yet I am not. So, I guess, I need someone to tell me off and let me see things from a different perspective. Frankly, I am so scared of having my own child because if I am a monster, then I would not want to be creating little monsters in the future. I should really think about this before I claim to be a 22 year old. I'm afraid that my actions are from the accumulation of resentments that I've had but on what basis am I having all these resentment and anger? I've got everything that I need. Maybe not what I want but mostly everything that I need. 

The second conversation was with a dear friend. A friends that is willing to tell me something hurtful yet it is the truth. No one wants to hear something that is not pleasant to our ears but you've got to be brave enough to swallow the truth. I'm not brave enough to accept the truth, so I've been postponing any events that might lead me to hearing the truth. I avoid deep conversation that might get me into trouble with  my own mind. I avoid them completely. Instead, I put in fantasy and fairy tales in my mind. Way better that way and I get to sleep at night. My problems are trivial, I know. There are people who can barely make it for the day. I need to feed my brain with these kind of images, so that I am more thankful for having such a life. 

I told my mom that I'm thankful for every second of my life and for everything that I have in life. She replied "Yes, I know that you are thankful but sometimes, your actions show otherwise" or something along those line.

So, how's this to end your 2011? I need to sit and think deeply because this was indeed, a big tight slap on the face and I am not ashamed to admit it.

"You will always wish that you knew what you know now when you were younger. You will surely wish you acted upon the knowledge that you know now when you will be in the grave."