The 11th day of Ramadhan.

Last year, this time of the year was my favourite time but somehow, it feels different this year. Probably because I am not trying hard enough to be a good servant or maybe because I've been spending too much time hanging out, or more like making up for the lost times I might incur in the future, really near future. Every night before I go to sleep, I question my decision of opting to work this September. No point of me pondering upon the same question over and over again, knowing that I will never be ready for it. Heart feels all over the place, as it wishes to be at home during this blessed month. Not to mention, screwed up sleeping pattern and weird food cravings lately. I take it as a challenge, I should be thankful. Thankful with everything that I have and to sincerely mean it and understand the concept of being thankful. It's more than just saying it, it is something that you will have to fully comprehend.

Going into this particular week, I stepped in with the wrong foot and a wrong turn. I promised a bunch of friends that I'd break fast with them when I should have spent my time with my grandmother. Soon after I left the house, my heart felt reluctant to drive forward but remembering how excited my friends are, I slowly marched on. If I was a good granddaughter, I would have taken a u-turn and at this point of time, I wished I did. I am not complaining nor am I trying to portray a bad image of myself but my grandmother can be a very difficult woman but coming from the same genes, probably I'll be the same when I turn her age, with God's willing. Who knows.. So, my week proceeded as usual with little mishaps happening here and there. It has not been a good week. Here I am, typing something that I regretted which could have been avoided if I were not that stubborn. 

Learning about yourself can be the hardest thing especially when you're learning it from your mistakes. No, I am not being a goody two shoes or something but if there's anything that I believe in during my almost 23 years of living on Earth is that, if you do things with the blessings from your parents, especially your mother, the things that you do gets easier. If there's anything that can make you happy, is when your mother is happy and the way to make your mother happy is if her mother is happy. It's a chain of reaction. There are 7 days in a week and I try to keep that in mind. If I had a bad day, I try to cheer myself up by reminding myself that there are better days ahead. True but the guilt that you carry from previous days doesn't vanish just like that. 

11 days into Ramadhan, I still have 19 days to make up for it. Please the elder ones, may also indirectly please myself. I hate blurting out my regrets, especially when it all boils down to one wrong deed. To avoid this ordeal to occur again in the near future, I should write it down and paste it everywhere. "Remember the golden rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" In other words, I'll get old one day and of course, I want my children and grandchildren to take care of me. But of course, to put aside my grumpy and impatient attitude now would be the ultimate challenge. That's what Ramadhan is for, for you to improve yourself. I think so. 

I hope it's not too late to wish Selamat Berpuasa and have a blessed Ramadhan :)