Home, as always.

6 years later, I visited the same exact place but one thing that hit me, I don't remember a thing. I knew I have been to the same place,  I knew I am walking back to the same street, I knew I had ice cream from the same ice cream parlor but heck, I do not remember a single thing that happened. The power of blocking those memories, I reckon. If there is something that I have learned from having my heart broken is that; I have mastered the art of blocking memories, be it bad or good. It is much more easier to not remember anything, rather than being sad about not being able to relive those good memories again and being even more sad thinking about having to endure those painful ones. 

I remember my Houston trip, step by step. I remember my London trip, each one of them. I remember my LA trip, every step of the way but I don't remember this one trip because my mind and my heart stayed back. It stayed with that one person that still feels like home, even until today. The only one that can make me write long sappy posts. He makes the one that came after, look like a temporary plaster. 

I don't know what I want, but I know I have never wanted anything more than this. 

Favourite piece of the trip.

Terapung.

Never have I imagined that it will be this way, years later, but not that I have not been imagining it further during the earlier years. I did think about it before and I am still thinking about it, now but things are getting out of hand, I am slowly letting it go. Today is such a random day, I decided to turn my head to the left and suddenly, I saw you driving off at the traffic light. What are the odds? I don't even want to count the possibilities of it happening but I think I shall just count my blessings. I picked up the phone and called you straight away, just for a simple confirmation that it was really you driving the car. So, it was really you. I asked you out for breakfast but you politely declined, saying that you were rushing for something, we will meet up for lunch or tea later in the evening. True enough, you called a few hours later and we did meet up for lunch. In those few hours, I have been trying to figure out if this is a sign from above, some kind of divine intervention that I should be happy about or just some kind of coincidence that usually happened? I can just casually bump into people, into anyone but no, I have to bump into you. Life is strange. So, we talked for hours and I did ask you, "Bila last kita lepak macam ni eh?" Your classic answer "Dah lama gila tak lepak macam ni," Yea, it has been a while. I have no idea what is in store for us. I have no clue, as to why the ship is still floating. 

Frozen

Thank God for the existence of Fox movies or else, I will not watch Frozen, despite listening to the songs for the millionth time, everyday! Such a simple movie, with an overplayed song, with a simple message at the end of it, "Love is to put someone else's happiness ahead of yours,". Out of all the days, trust me, that message seemed like the perfect ending to today. 

I came back to Alor Star this round, to clear my mind before another round of final audit starts. I've been warned to get a good break since I might have to juggle two final audits at one time. I have no idea how is that going to happen but until the time comes, I shall just breathe like a normal human being. Anyway, the reason I came back is to be there for my mom since my dad went to visit my brother in Maldives and also, I wanted to find myself again and no other better place to do so, then here, in Alor Star. "To find myself again" sounds like I've been lost all these while, and if you have been talking to me in real life, probably you would understand what I mean. Literally, I am lost in wonderland. 

And its just weird, unusual and strange that I might have found myself again at the traffic light? Hahaha nonsense talk right here. Not really, its just that I can't really reveal but damn, what are the odds of it happening every time that I come home?

Goal.

Reaching a quarter of a century; I think I have lost myself, almost completely. Part of me blames my choice of career, part of me blames my choice of man, part of me blames my attitude and part of me wishes that the cause of it, is just one reason when I know, it is not. It is an accumulation of above all. People around me know, I enjoy spring cleaning and I don't do that anymore. That kind of satisfaction that I get from holding a broom, or a cloth to wipe all the dusts; I don't feel that anymore. I used to read story books and get lost in those fairy tales; I don't read that anymore. I run or more like, walk in the morning sometimes, but I don't do it anymore. Work sucks all the energy and truly, it doesn't give that kind of satisfaction. Wait, let me clear things up first. I don't hate my job. I love the people that I am working with, they push me forward, they build me up and they support me but the job sucks the energy out of you and gives you unnecessary stress. I want to stop, I really do but I have always envied those people that managed to complete their three years, while having fun. I want to complete my three years. I really do, but my heart feels heavy now when my favourite person in the firm is leaving. Will I be able to survive? I truly hope so. Anyway, since the job sucks the energy out of you, all the extra time that you have will be spent to replenish those energy, which means you will sleep like as if there is no tomorrow. Your room can look like a rat's place but you don't give two hoots. 'Your sleeping time can't be compromised', that is what you think but in actual fact, you're compromising your youth. I wish I have other things going on in my life, so that I don't feel like such a loser.

Hence, that's why I am resorting back to writing. I should make sure that my room is always clean now and I should care more about my studies. 

Oh, it would have been so much easier if all of these are because of one absolute reason; being heartbroken. At least I can just point it out to just one main reason but it is not. Its your loss for not being the better man, that I have always hoped you will be. I guess, the three words remain; life goes on. Really. 

You go back to do things that once made you happy. You find that thing that will always define who you are. You do the things that can make you smile. You can't always go back but you can always move forward. 

I have a few days break now, for me to find some peace in life before the crazy life starts again in mid September and at that time, I will be alone and literally, alone and I hope I will be strong enough to do it without having anyone to hold my hand. 

And I hope, I will find myself again. 

The butterfly found its home.

It doesn't make sense that the butterfly is still fluttering around. At least one is still there. I can feel it. It does fly around randomly and aimlessly. The butterfly was calm and it was stable. Stable enough to know that it wants to be there, forever. And, all I need is just one look, to know that the butterfly is still there.

Pretty much.

Last week was quite a happy week. Puasa started, I got promoted, we started talking again, my parents came, I dropped by the office for a few hours, had dinner with Yana and celebrated Elena's birthday together with my promotion. Pretty much sums up my week. Twas a good one.

Pelik.

I am in the position where I should be able to write, come up with some sad post, or just a few lines full of dramatic emotions but I can't. No sentence, no words, nothing. All I could come up with, was.. Grow up.. I reckon its the age factor that makes me deal with things differently, or perhaps its the feeling that was not as deep as I thought it would be. Long gone all the confusion that I had to deal with, I am fine with this.

If this was the 19 year old Min, I would have been so miserable, life would be hay wired, again but now that I am older, I could sense that this was about to repeat itself, I actually faced it first and I decided not to revisit them again.

Happy graduation.

There I was questioning myself again, if I have ever gotten through a rough time like this and if I ever did get through it, what did I do in order to get through it? I found myself in the same position, over and over again, only to realise that time may have passed by but I didn't move an inch from where I last stood. Pages have been flipped to the next one, I am still hanging out here, waiting to be saved by the one and only. The word 'try' is somehow over-rated but I have so much hope in it, I used it excessively. Now, I am stuck in the same place again, with very different feelings and emotions but somehow, somehow, I know I am at the beginning of a very bad mess. After all, I learned that one can love one person after the other, but it will never be the same kind of love, with the same amount of love. You tend to be more careful and you will guard your heart with 12 soldiers and bricks all around it, depending on the immensity of the heart break before that. If it was up to me, I would have locked it up and I will throw away those master keys, without hesitating and without making any 'just-in-case' copies because sometimes, or most of the times, you tend to use it, even when you don't need to. I am one confused human being right now, that the line between personal and professional life gets blurry and greyish. 

The "Ikea" post.

"Plenty of time yesterday, I sat down and kneeled down  on my praying mat. Somehow, as much faith that I have in God, I still have my doubts and sorrows. Ways to show that I am only human, I can only hope for the best. Unfair for me to be feeling this way alone, when you’re in love with someone else wholeheartedly. Miracles do happen to those who believe in the power of the upper hand. I am one of them; I rest my case when the universe has spoken. My heart and my mind, they went bonkers last week trying to comprehend what is going on, what will be going on and how it is going to happen. I’m not strong and never was. So, I prayed for God to show me the way, lead me to the truth and stray away from what is not right. 30 minutes after, my mother called and she asked me to go to Ikea to buy some curtains. Maybe this is just a random request that mother loves to give me, or maybe this is my prayers being granted within miliseconds because going to Ikea would have been perfect if we were only going out officially or perhaps if we’re married. Browsing around furniture, attractive colour schemes for the whole house, the perfect bed for two, couches and sofas and up to those tiny setups of curtains and lamps, I’ve always wanted to go to Ikea with you. Given the time and day, this was the perfect moment. 8 lace curtains were bought for Mother, seems like I’ve gotten the blessings. Awkwardly, we browsed through those aisles of dreams, briefly. To ever have those dreams planted in my mind, without it ever being transformed into reality, is just too much for me to bear in my loose abstract mind. Spending the day with you, it feels right as much as it feels weird. Ironically, Ikea is home, just like how I picture you in my mind, you’re home. One day later, I opened your Twitter page and you stated there “One and only” Clearly, it’s not for me. Stupid, I maybe am for using my heart to think but shallow; I am not because I am aware of your current relationship and I’ll never be the third person here. This is too much for it to be going on for almost five years, this is too much for it to even still be in my mind but each sign that I get, brings us forward, creating a bond that I’ll never have with anybody else, even if I try my hardest to have with the rest of the world. Unfair, if I am the only one to ever be feeling this. I guess, life is never fair and every time that we part, I wish you’d never say “See you again, soon” because those words get my hopes high and as for now, I am still on cloud nine, waiting for the ultimate weapon to bring me down."

(March 2012) 

So young, so clueless but hey, IKEA is the place. Hahaha 

Happy.

I see new things every day and today, I see something that I have not seen in a while. Its not new to me but somehow, I believe that God is telling me to just wait and be patient. Do take note that this is just some thought of mine that shouldn't be voiced out but I want this to be a reminder to myself, so that I don't settle down, just because. Just because, can be caused by some factor like perhaps, I am lonely or in desperate need to get married or settle down, or maybe just the feeling of having my own little family. 

From what I witnessed today, my priority should change. Before this, I wanted someone I can talk to and I am willing to push aside a lot of things. If I can talk to that one person day in and day out, without getting bored, I believe I can settle down with him. However, from what I witnessed today, I think my list of priorities is about to be amended. I should find someone who doesn't annoy me as much. For someone who gets easily annoyed, I should find someone that can do anything but still, I don't feel like strangling him but for me to feel that way, I must have loved that person very much to actually close my eyes to his annoying self, which I believe every man is. Twisted. Indeed. 

I just do not like what I saw during dinner today. I do not want that for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, I don't want to come back home and feel annoyed. Of course I will have that feeling during some days but dear God, please lessen those days and make those days as minimal as possible. I just want to be happy.