The truth hurts, always.

Every where, everyone keeps on posting about the memories of 2011. I cannot believe that 2011 is coming to an end already. I have not fully enjoyed 2011 and if there's one word to describe this year, it would be an 'eye-opener'year. Or should I say that this particular December has been an 'eye-opener' month? 

This past four weeks have been one hella of a month. I've been a lazy student, ignorant friend and a bad daughter. I just did not enjoy this December as much as I tried to. Okay chup, I should divide this post into two because I did actually enjoy my last day of class with my classmates but that's besides the point of this post. 

I had deep conversations with two persons tonight. One is with my mother. Lately, I've been throwing tantrums at her with no reasons. Well, I've got my own reasons but I guess after hearing her explanations, I owe an apology to her. I should have been more understanding, I should have listened to her closely and put my judgement aside.  I was being so stubborn that I wanted to win. It's not so much about winning but more to explaining what I am feeling. After I've let out my feelings, I forgot about how it would affect my mother. I said I am 22 years old, but tonight I realized I've acted like I am 10 years old. The only difference is I don't shout in the malls when I don't get things my way. I should have been more mature and yet I am not. So, I guess, I need someone to tell me off and let me see things from a different perspective. Frankly, I am so scared of having my own child because if I am a monster, then I would not want to be creating little monsters in the future. I should really think about this before I claim to be a 22 year old. I'm afraid that my actions are from the accumulation of resentments that I've had but on what basis am I having all these resentment and anger? I've got everything that I need. Maybe not what I want but mostly everything that I need. 

The second conversation was with a dear friend. A friends that is willing to tell me something hurtful yet it is the truth. No one wants to hear something that is not pleasant to our ears but you've got to be brave enough to swallow the truth. I'm not brave enough to accept the truth, so I've been postponing any events that might lead me to hearing the truth. I avoid deep conversation that might get me into trouble with  my own mind. I avoid them completely. Instead, I put in fantasy and fairy tales in my mind. Way better that way and I get to sleep at night. My problems are trivial, I know. There are people who can barely make it for the day. I need to feed my brain with these kind of images, so that I am more thankful for having such a life. 

I told my mom that I'm thankful for every second of my life and for everything that I have in life. She replied "Yes, I know that you are thankful but sometimes, your actions show otherwise" or something along those line.

So, how's this to end your 2011? I need to sit and think deeply because this was indeed, a big tight slap on the face and I am not ashamed to admit it.

"You will always wish that you knew what you know now when you were younger. You will surely wish you acted upon the knowledge that you know now when you will be in the grave."

Over.

I want to blog about a lot of things but it doesn't seem like its the perfect timing but I want to able to look back at this date and remember that this is my last week to go to class as a Degree student. Four and a half years of going in and out of class with the same faces, I reckon I will cry on the day of our departure :(

The start of a new year.

A public holiday for all the people who despise Monday, truly its a gift for everyone. Slept at about 1am last night, I decided it should be an early day for me today. I woke up forcefully, prayed before the sun went up and went for a morning walk before it was too hot. Its 28th of November and here I am, in the middle of the semester.  The long weekend went by like a breeze. We bid Saturday with the introduction of our Financial Accounting assessment and I bet we're saying goodbye to our 3 day weekend with the same thing. Awkward timing, bizarre encounters along the way. I felt a bit weird last night, I don't know where the weirdness came from but I embraced it. I tried to embrace it well. It's been too long for me to be affected by it. I've gotten a grip of myself, I've been cured. I got the message, it was delivered well. But, nothing will change. 

So, have a great year ahead, Muslims. It's the little things that count. One, two and three. Read in between the line and don't make assumptions. Enjoy the rest of the year guys. 

The 10000th day of going to class.

Cool morning breeze.
Cold morning shower.
Messy bed and wrinkled shirt.
Hot iron with tangled strings.
Fresh radio sound and clear morning news.
Baby steps on the stairs.
Roaring sound of the engine. 
Heavy traffic with hungry student.
Hopeful heart,scouting for that one spot.
There's no parking spot left.
You day ends there. 
Back to the messy bed, sleeping with your wrinkled shirt,again.

#goodbyeonetreehill

One can do so much.
One can think so much.
One can laugh so much.
One can cry so much.
One can sleep so much.
One can eat so much.

But can one study,love and pray too much?

Adamant.

Definition found after two seconds of typing it on Google ; Refusing to be persuaded or to change one's mind.

In this case, its the heart. Not the mind. Adamant. Adamant. Adamant. The fourth time that I'm repeating this, it looks like Adam + Aiman = Adamant. Okay lame joke but if you say it out loud. Ay-de-men. Right? Haha. Adamant. Swear I don't know why I am so adamant about it this time around. Hard as a rock, adamant as it is. 

Dum dum dum.

               This is how she looks like right now, or even bigger now :)

11th of November, I just missed it.

12th of November 2011.

There goes my chance of writing something on a very beautiful date that comes only once in a hundred years. I spent the whole day complaining about my neck. I reckon it is due to the long hours of sitting in front of the laptop and the wrong sleeping position. I was too tired to care about the way I sleep. A bed. That's all I need. Other than that, I spent the half of the day in front of the laptop again, typing out my report of JIT(puke blood), mocking other people on Twitter and when the night arrived, I went out with my Mom and my sister. Later, I hung out with a few friends and came back home, straight to the laptop again. As I am describing this, I feel like I am a dork. 

Coming back to a comfortable surroundings, there's nothing more lovely than this. At the beginning of my holiday, my parents made the decision to put a stand on my future. Oh yes, you read that correctly. My future but they are willing to sponsor me, so it just became our future. Haha. I don't see the reason why I should oppose to such wonderful idea. I get to touch, smell and read more books in the next one and a half year. Decision has been made. I shall only follow. Its a bonus points for me actually. I can postpone any thoughts about the future. Just delay off the important things. 

But of course, things come with its own pros and cons. I might be jealous when my friends can spend their own hard earned cash and here I am, I have to ask my parents for everything, still. Ah, this is all still in the planning and I hope God will bless this simple plan of mine and make everything easy, or at least bearable for me to go through. 

Grow up, that's the only way to go.

It's the holiday! It's the holiday! Yea, one can keep chanting, only to find out that its already the 4th day of the holiday! We are left with only 5 day and tonnes of assignments to be done. YIKES! Pushing that serious matter aside, I hope it's not too late for me to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all the Muslims out there, be it in Malaysia, or anywhere else in the world, especially to those who are performing their Hajj. They are lucky enough to be there :') 

My family tradition on my dad's side regarding Raya Haji is a bit lighter, compared to my mom's side. We don't really comply to any tradition, food may be served differently every year, sometimes we get duit raya, sometimes we don't, and you can not wear baju kurung on the day itself. It's normal. At least, I think it is. But one tradition remains the same, whereby the village will always hold its annual korban celebration. I've been watching cows get slaughtered ever since I was small. I would go and see it live and back then, I wasn't so afraid and scared to see such things. Probably because I was young and careless. Now, I am not young and I care-more. True story, sad story. 

Raya Haji is actually about sacrifices. What kind of sacrifices do you make? What kind of sacrifices have I made? Not an easy list to fill up, not an easy matter to think of. I sacrificed my wants, for others needs. Sure, I can say that but what have I done? I sleep less these days, to make way for more studying? Pfttt. Well, I sacrificed my sleeping time in class, to make sure that I listen in class and not to offense the lecturer by sleeping. Haha what kind of sacrifice is that? 

To be honest, I've got other things on my mind lately. Probably I shouldn't write it, I know I shouldn't but I guess we are all big enough to face our problems, rather than sweeping it under the carpet and the dusts keep on accumulating. Bullying, and I mean, any kind of bullying. I am the second child, out of four and the eldest one is a brother, a 26 year old brother. Bullying, teasing and fooling around are normal in my upbringing. True. My brother calls me Gemok, Kerinting, Maggi and all other stuffs since I was small. I am offended by it? Sometimes but if I were to take it seriously, what's the fun of it? So, I just take it as a way of to communicate. Of course we don't go by everyday by saying, Oh, I love you brother. I love you sister. Dushhhh. No way but I guess by him teasing me, its enough to let me know that he cares. Weird. So now, the table is turned. He's fatter than before. So I call him fat. He gets really offended by it. The same goes to my little brother. Both of them are men. Not just boys. They gained a few kilos and muscles can be seen everywere. Fat, too. For them to be calling me fat, that's fine. For me to be calling them fat, that's an insult. PFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! 

Many other things that have been happening around me lately. Things that I cannot comprehend. Things that when I look back, I cannot connect the dots, somehow. It doesn't jive. You bully other people, that's fine but when it is your turn to be teased and bullied, you sulk all the way. Bullying is wrong, not matter what but sometimes, its a way for us to be close. It has always been that way. I guess certain lines of limitations ought to be drawn and sometimes, we do cross the invisible line. This is a very subjective matter. What hurts me, might not hurt you. 

Serious matter. I hate it when I am being bullied especially by this certain someone. The mop is calling me. Chow!

When reality and fantasy don't mix well.

With that small brain that we are all given with, I bet all of us have this perfect life that we have created inside it. I did create one, I still have it inside my brain but I know, all I can do is imagine, plan and pray that it all goes according to plan. My definition of a perfect life doesn't mean that I go through it with no obstacles but I hope to face those obstacles and make it on time for the next plan that I have made ahead. A concept that is hard to comprehend? Yes, but I bet some people do get the gist of what I am saying. 

Lately, the topic about who do you want to be after you graduate has been lingering on every one's mind. Of course. You can't run away from this topic. You can delay it, by saying you're going to further your study again, by taking professional papers and such but when you're done with it, aren't you suppose to face the reality and start to think about your career? Unless, you're from a well-off family, money is no problem, and your parents are willing to support you till the day you die. But for most of us, we don't get that kind of privilege. Cold hard fact about reality. I don't hate auditors. That's a fact. Do I admire them? I do. Do I want to be like them? I do. Do I have the guts/courage/strength/such characteristic for me to even think that I can be one? I don't think so. Do I want to be a banker? I kinda like the idea of me being one. A businesswoman? Yea, I've been toying with the idea for a while. I want to work with a telco company right? Or any GLCs? Well, am I even qualified enough to be accepted in that society?  With all these question in mind, I think I should just continue with my professional papers.

This topic sucks. Of course. But  at the end of the day, I guess its just about who will accept you in their firm. I can tell you my ambition, my career path that I have planned out in detail but what if the company that I want to work with rejects me? So, my back up plan is to go back to my previous internship company but what if, they doesn't want me there? Oh my, I wonder where is my instinct at times when I need it. So, at the end of the day, its not so much about what you want isn't it, but its about what you'll get.

Just like in choosing a guy. You can list down all the physical characteristics, social attributes and personal skills that you want but when the right guy comes along, all you can do is just cross everything off from the list. I like guys with facial hair, straight hair, speaks good English, fair, dark features, jaw line, not calculative, someone that will be approved by my mother but then...... I don't think the guy that I like has any of these characteristics except...... but yea, the list is out of the window. Erm, this is out of the topic isn't it? Is it even related? Hahaha.

I was just in the mood to write. So, might as well put everything in one post. Sakit otak pikir pasal masa depan. Especially uncertain future. At least its something that you can work on.. Improve yourself. Oh, time to hit the books. Minggu depan exam. Haha.