Terapung.

Never have I imagined that it will be this way, years later, but not that I have not been imagining it further during the earlier years. I did think about it before and I am still thinking about it, now but things are getting out of hand, I am slowly letting it go. Today is such a random day, I decided to turn my head to the left and suddenly, I saw you driving off at the traffic light. What are the odds? I don't even want to count the possibilities of it happening but I think I shall just count my blessings. I picked up the phone and called you straight away, just for a simple confirmation that it was really you driving the car. So, it was really you. I asked you out for breakfast but you politely declined, saying that you were rushing for something, we will meet up for lunch or tea later in the evening. True enough, you called a few hours later and we did meet up for lunch. In those few hours, I have been trying to figure out if this is a sign from above, some kind of divine intervention that I should be happy about or just some kind of coincidence that usually happened? I can just casually bump into people, into anyone but no, I have to bump into you. Life is strange. So, we talked for hours and I did ask you, "Bila last kita lepak macam ni eh?" Your classic answer "Dah lama gila tak lepak macam ni," Yea, it has been a while. I have no idea what is in store for us. I have no clue, as to why the ship is still floating. 

Frozen

Thank God for the existence of Fox movies or else, I will not watch Frozen, despite listening to the songs for the millionth time, everyday! Such a simple movie, with an overplayed song, with a simple message at the end of it, "Love is to put someone else's happiness ahead of yours,". Out of all the days, trust me, that message seemed like the perfect ending to today. 

I came back to Alor Star this round, to clear my mind before another round of final audit starts. I've been warned to get a good break since I might have to juggle two final audits at one time. I have no idea how is that going to happen but until the time comes, I shall just breathe like a normal human being. Anyway, the reason I came back is to be there for my mom since my dad went to visit my brother in Maldives and also, I wanted to find myself again and no other better place to do so, then here, in Alor Star. "To find myself again" sounds like I've been lost all these while, and if you have been talking to me in real life, probably you would understand what I mean. Literally, I am lost in wonderland. 

And its just weird, unusual and strange that I might have found myself again at the traffic light? Hahaha nonsense talk right here. Not really, its just that I can't really reveal but damn, what are the odds of it happening every time that I come home?

Goal.

Reaching a quarter of a century; I think I have lost myself, almost completely. Part of me blames my choice of career, part of me blames my choice of man, part of me blames my attitude and part of me wishes that the cause of it, is just one reason when I know, it is not. It is an accumulation of above all. People around me know, I enjoy spring cleaning and I don't do that anymore. That kind of satisfaction that I get from holding a broom, or a cloth to wipe all the dusts; I don't feel that anymore. I used to read story books and get lost in those fairy tales; I don't read that anymore. I run or more like, walk in the morning sometimes, but I don't do it anymore. Work sucks all the energy and truly, it doesn't give that kind of satisfaction. Wait, let me clear things up first. I don't hate my job. I love the people that I am working with, they push me forward, they build me up and they support me but the job sucks the energy out of you and gives you unnecessary stress. I want to stop, I really do but I have always envied those people that managed to complete their three years, while having fun. I want to complete my three years. I really do, but my heart feels heavy now when my favourite person in the firm is leaving. Will I be able to survive? I truly hope so. Anyway, since the job sucks the energy out of you, all the extra time that you have will be spent to replenish those energy, which means you will sleep like as if there is no tomorrow. Your room can look like a rat's place but you don't give two hoots. 'Your sleeping time can't be compromised', that is what you think but in actual fact, you're compromising your youth. I wish I have other things going on in my life, so that I don't feel like such a loser.

Hence, that's why I am resorting back to writing. I should make sure that my room is always clean now and I should care more about my studies. 

Oh, it would have been so much easier if all of these are because of one absolute reason; being heartbroken. At least I can just point it out to just one main reason but it is not. Its your loss for not being the better man, that I have always hoped you will be. I guess, the three words remain; life goes on. Really. 

You go back to do things that once made you happy. You find that thing that will always define who you are. You do the things that can make you smile. You can't always go back but you can always move forward. 

I have a few days break now, for me to find some peace in life before the crazy life starts again in mid September and at that time, I will be alone and literally, alone and I hope I will be strong enough to do it without having anyone to hold my hand. 

And I hope, I will find myself again. 

The butterfly found its home.

It doesn't make sense that the butterfly is still fluttering around. At least one is still there. I can feel it. It does fly around randomly and aimlessly. The butterfly was calm and it was stable. Stable enough to know that it wants to be there, forever. And, all I need is just one look, to know that the butterfly is still there.

Pretty much.

Last week was quite a happy week. Puasa started, I got promoted, we started talking again, my parents came, I dropped by the office for a few hours, had dinner with Yana and celebrated Elena's birthday together with my promotion. Pretty much sums up my week. Twas a good one.

Pelik.

I am in the position where I should be able to write, come up with some sad post, or just a few lines full of dramatic emotions but I can't. No sentence, no words, nothing. All I could come up with, was.. Grow up.. I reckon its the age factor that makes me deal with things differently, or perhaps its the feeling that was not as deep as I thought it would be. Long gone all the confusion that I had to deal with, I am fine with this.

If this was the 19 year old Min, I would have been so miserable, life would be hay wired, again but now that I am older, I could sense that this was about to repeat itself, I actually faced it first and I decided not to revisit them again.

Happy graduation.

There I was questioning myself again, if I have ever gotten through a rough time like this and if I ever did get through it, what did I do in order to get through it? I found myself in the same position, over and over again, only to realise that time may have passed by but I didn't move an inch from where I last stood. Pages have been flipped to the next one, I am still hanging out here, waiting to be saved by the one and only. The word 'try' is somehow over-rated but I have so much hope in it, I used it excessively. Now, I am stuck in the same place again, with very different feelings and emotions but somehow, somehow, I know I am at the beginning of a very bad mess. After all, I learned that one can love one person after the other, but it will never be the same kind of love, with the same amount of love. You tend to be more careful and you will guard your heart with 12 soldiers and bricks all around it, depending on the immensity of the heart break before that. If it was up to me, I would have locked it up and I will throw away those master keys, without hesitating and without making any 'just-in-case' copies because sometimes, or most of the times, you tend to use it, even when you don't need to. I am one confused human being right now, that the line between personal and professional life gets blurry and greyish. 

The "Ikea" post.

"Plenty of time yesterday, I sat down and kneeled down  on my praying mat. Somehow, as much faith that I have in God, I still have my doubts and sorrows. Ways to show that I am only human, I can only hope for the best. Unfair for me to be feeling this way alone, when you’re in love with someone else wholeheartedly. Miracles do happen to those who believe in the power of the upper hand. I am one of them; I rest my case when the universe has spoken. My heart and my mind, they went bonkers last week trying to comprehend what is going on, what will be going on and how it is going to happen. I’m not strong and never was. So, I prayed for God to show me the way, lead me to the truth and stray away from what is not right. 30 minutes after, my mother called and she asked me to go to Ikea to buy some curtains. Maybe this is just a random request that mother loves to give me, or maybe this is my prayers being granted within miliseconds because going to Ikea would have been perfect if we were only going out officially or perhaps if we’re married. Browsing around furniture, attractive colour schemes for the whole house, the perfect bed for two, couches and sofas and up to those tiny setups of curtains and lamps, I’ve always wanted to go to Ikea with you. Given the time and day, this was the perfect moment. 8 lace curtains were bought for Mother, seems like I’ve gotten the blessings. Awkwardly, we browsed through those aisles of dreams, briefly. To ever have those dreams planted in my mind, without it ever being transformed into reality, is just too much for me to bear in my loose abstract mind. Spending the day with you, it feels right as much as it feels weird. Ironically, Ikea is home, just like how I picture you in my mind, you’re home. One day later, I opened your Twitter page and you stated there “One and only” Clearly, it’s not for me. Stupid, I maybe am for using my heart to think but shallow; I am not because I am aware of your current relationship and I’ll never be the third person here. This is too much for it to be going on for almost five years, this is too much for it to even still be in my mind but each sign that I get, brings us forward, creating a bond that I’ll never have with anybody else, even if I try my hardest to have with the rest of the world. Unfair, if I am the only one to ever be feeling this. I guess, life is never fair and every time that we part, I wish you’d never say “See you again, soon” because those words get my hopes high and as for now, I am still on cloud nine, waiting for the ultimate weapon to bring me down."

(March 2012) 

So young, so clueless but hey, IKEA is the place. Hahaha 

Happy.

I see new things every day and today, I see something that I have not seen in a while. Its not new to me but somehow, I believe that God is telling me to just wait and be patient. Do take note that this is just some thought of mine that shouldn't be voiced out but I want this to be a reminder to myself, so that I don't settle down, just because. Just because, can be caused by some factor like perhaps, I am lonely or in desperate need to get married or settle down, or maybe just the feeling of having my own little family. 

From what I witnessed today, my priority should change. Before this, I wanted someone I can talk to and I am willing to push aside a lot of things. If I can talk to that one person day in and day out, without getting bored, I believe I can settle down with him. However, from what I witnessed today, I think my list of priorities is about to be amended. I should find someone who doesn't annoy me as much. For someone who gets easily annoyed, I should find someone that can do anything but still, I don't feel like strangling him but for me to feel that way, I must have loved that person very much to actually close my eyes to his annoying self, which I believe every man is. Twisted. Indeed. 

I just do not like what I saw during dinner today. I do not want that for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, I don't want to come back home and feel annoyed. Of course I will have that feeling during some days but dear God, please lessen those days and make those days as minimal as possible. I just want to be happy.

2013.

It's that time of the year again, where a long winded post will be written in order to recall and capture what has happened throughout the whole entire year. I like year end post; it's like a cut-off point for you to come up with some lame new year resolutions in hope of being a better person since you left your last year's resolution unfinished. Hehe. But seriously, 2013 has been nothing but challenging in all sort of aspects; life, work, family, friends, time-management and more. Warning ahead, its a long post. 

The hot topic that has been buzzing around right now is about the price hike. I would be lying if I were to say that I am not affected by it because of course, I will be. Monthly salary won't be increased anytime soon and that only means one thing, having to adjust the current lifestyle. I am so not looking forward to 2014, thinking about this and my age; twentyfreakingfive (That's a different topic altogether). Rumour that has been swirling around, said that toll prices will be increased quite a bit and for someone who is living slightly outskirt, I will definitely feel the burden. If only I can take the public transport, I would but of course, my nature of work does not allow me to do so because no LRT station opens at 2am during peak period, no? The petrol prices went up right after the election. Giving 50 dollar note to the petrol station cashier, will only last you for 4 days instead of 7 days, as before this. Times like these, made me wish I had exercised my right as a voter but looking at the current situation, I'm sure I would have voted for the wrong party. Gah, super serious topic. Of course, when you have to pay for your own bills. Ha ha ha. I can still cope, I am paying for one person's living expenses. Just imagine those people with 3 kids and more, earning just as much and living in the city. How do they cope? Makes you want to just do better in life and help them out, in any possible way. Okay okay, I'll cut down on those expensive coffee on a weekly basis. 

And of course, 2013 had a lot of weird things happening in it. I remembered asking two of the closest people around me a random question like "Are you pregnant?" because they were behaving so oddly and they had no clue they were pregnant at all. The next day, both checked (different times) and both told me (separately) that they were pregnant. I think I am a psychic. And of course, those times where my dreams (tido malam) came true and it happened so quickly, I freaked out a bit. Imagine having a dream about your manager being angry at you and suddenly, she called and she was really angry, exactly like in the dream? The dream was practically being enacted and you're actually on your study leave, with no laptop with you at that time? (June 2013) Freaky. It was the same day that I discovered the name of my 2 year old crush. Let's just put it this way, there's a reason why I couldn't find out his name because it gave me heart attack. Same name? No no. Haha

Speaking off the same name, I met you twice this year and we had one deep conversation, which was initiated by you. Awkward, it was not because you would always bring up the topic in any possible way that you could but its just one of those things that I will never understand because I made it pretty clear, I laid out my feelings on the floor, on the paper and on the digital space. Your words, not mine, "We have gone through a lot, together." (September 2013) I know, of course I know but please allow me to move on peacefully because we both know if things were rewind, I am still not your chosen one, so why bother in the first place? If you were to ask me a year ago about all this, if you were still the one for me at the end of the day, I would be the happiest girl alive but now, not anymore. Things change and people change.

2013 was also about engagements, weddings and  more weddings. Weddings meant a whole new world to the lovebirds but for the guests, it meant gatherings! Seeing everyone living their own life and catching up with each other was nice. Trust me, more coming in 2014. Pressure is up? I guess so but look at the paragraph above, progress is quite slow ?! Hahaha

2013 also witnessed my biggest fear and my slow progress in my career life. Previous posts have always been about work lately because work consumed you. Or in my case, work consumed me but I chose my path and as for now, I should stick to it. Truly, I returned back to the old firm with one goal; to learn as much as possible because I know my technical skill is so poor. Now, for 2014, I will change my goal; to find my partner in life ( Ha ha ha) because when your intention is right, you will get what you want. As the year kicked off, I started the hardest task with the toughest engagement to date. The job scope that I got was super hard and I still hated them up to this day; payroll and accruals. To make things worse, I was freaking scared of the senior at that time. To the others, she was the most helpful, most relaxed, most efficient, kindhearted, most hardworking, funny, cool and extremely patient but for me, at the beginning, she was just a workaholic monster that every time she uttered a word, my whole world crumbled, my face turned white and I started to tremble. It was so bad that every time I talk to her, my head went haywire, I can't even understand a single word like "Makan" or even "Balik". Day in and day out in January, I would start my day with tonnes of Zikir and prayers just so that I would survive the long hours. Since the team was really close, they had fun at work, while I, suffered.  Even during weekends, I would still be pale just thinking about her, reviewing my work. It doesn't actually help that I am actually slow in learning and digesting anything that she taught me but somehow along the way, she never did give up on me. I will never understand why she never did because if I were given an associate like me, I, as the senior would have just quit. To say that she is patient would actually be an understatement. She would take time to really coach me from 8 pm to 2 am for two days, just on my favourite topic; accruals. As Day 1 failed, we moved on to Day 2. Looking back, I don't think anyone else would have that much patience and tolerance to deal with me but she still pursued on, continued coaching and never did give up, although both of us were so sleepy and tired at that time. My parents wanted me to quit right after this engagement but somehow, I told them "If the manager is willing to sacrifice her hours to teach me up until late night the least I can do is to stay on and apply whatever that she has taught me," I know I am slow learner and if I cannot perform my task excellently perhaps I can just show her that I am willing to learn and tackle whatever that is thrown my way. Somehow, my trick worked. As I said earlier, she's a workaholic (insert Whatssap monkey emoticon) , which means that sometimes, she would work long hours even on a Friday and at times, I would stay back with her. There was this one time, while I was still in the shivering/pale mode of talking to her, I accompanied her in the orange building till 12 pm because she wanted to do work and I was the one holding the key. The room was quiet and little words were exchanged in between. Somewhat, it was rather awkward and it really felt like I was this small associate with this very intimidating boss. I wonder what I was doing at that time. Haha. Probably pretending to be answering some of her review notes, when I should have gone back and sleep but remember the key, I have to show my eagerness. It's not so much about wanting to kiss your boss' ass or such, but it was more about looking for ways to make up for your weakness. I suppose, when you can't score on the IQ, you tackle the EQ? Haha. Later on, after 2 months of long working hours and I have slowly showed her the extremely stupid and playful side of me, she requested that I help her for her next engagements and it continued to the third and the fourth one. To be honest, she is just as playful but of course, more serious and mature than  me. Practically, I was under her for the next one year. So, imagine the transition around from I-am-so-scared-of-my-boss to Boss-can-you-buy-me-my-hair-conditioner-and-hair-serum-if-you-ever-go-to-Boots? kind of relationship. To be honest, she talks like my mother, even the sarcasm is the same  but her patience level is so much higher. Now, I see what everyone sees in her; the most coolest, hardworking, patient, helpful, kind-hearted manager I will ever work with. Ever. She will still scream, smack me with her long ruler, shout at me, ask me 10 zillions questions about audit that I can never answer but at least, now my face won't turn pale, my body doesn't shiver, my hands don't tremble anymore but I still won't be able to answer her 10 zillions question. Probably only 2% of it will be correct, if I ever answer :P The main point is, I got over my fear of a human being. Haha. I will always respect and adore her, more than just a manager because she never did give up on me, even when she should and I hope you will never read this because if you ever do, I will have to hide my face. Sincerely, your escort. Bleargh. Haha

I came back into the same engagement, 12 months later and the rest of the team expressed how much I have improved and its amazing how I am still around because they said I was among those who made a  public declaration that I wanted to quit but along the conversation, they dropped a pretty hurtful line, saying that at one point, I was slacking at work, they were not even sure if they should confirm me as a permanent staff. It was that bad, it wasn't even funny. That was quite painful but if I were to see it from an optimistic point of view, I have improved a lot. I should be proud of that. The silver lining in everything that you do but if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that work is not everything. Once you get off from work, work should stop right there. You go back home, you should sleep and not think about work. Family do come first and of course, your health and happiness. 

Other than that, I passed my P2 paper after the second sitting. Weee! I have to admit, I focused more on the worldly matter and I neglected the spiritual part of my life. I blamed it on work but someone told me later in the Afterlife, I can't answer God saying that I had work to do right? I kept on delaying my thoughts, it became a chore instead of a daily routine. I guess those are the little things that I need to pick up in 2014. My sister is leaving for the States in January. Life will be dull after that. I should focus on pleasing my parents more, prioritize on what's important. Life is hard if you make it hard. Have a splendid new year celebration, everyone!