#F

So, I've waited patiently for this little naughty letter, where I can say, F stands for FUCK YOU! Hahaha okay, kidding :P Tonight, the letter F stands for fear, for a lot of things we fear of, for a lot of things we fear to face and for a lot of the unknown things we might encounter along the way. *Warning : It's a long post*

My biggest fear is of course, Allah SWT and if there's any Muslim out there who says he or she is not scared of Allah, is lying because after all, you should turn back to your Creator because one day, we will eventually go back to Him, the one and Only. Sometimes, I know that my actions and the way I carry myself doesn't show or reflect what I am saying but I am only human and I am truly scared of Him. I am trying to change myself and it needs more than just the physical change. I know I need to cover my head, I know but I am still looking for that courage to do so. There was this one event where it hit me and it hit me hard. I went for days, thinking about what happened and I am somehow, humiliated by myself. It happened when I was on my way back from Korea and at that time, I was alone. Before the gate closed, I boarded the plane and placed myself comfortably in the designated seat. Little did I know, I was seating to a Sri Lankan man. After a few hours in the flight, he initiated some small talk and because I was bored, we talked a bit. A few questions into the conversation, he told me is a Muslim and he asked what religion am I? At that point, I was stunned. By the look of what I was wearing that day, I surely did not present myself like a Muslim. I told him I was a Muslim and he said, where is my Hijab? He struggled to say the word hijab but I managed to understand because of the hand gestures that he did. I told him, my country was liberal enough to accept Muslims that don't cover their head but in my mind, I was puzzled. My country is liberal enough but my religion? If I had covered my head and presented myself like a true Muslim, I wouldn't be that ashamed and at that point, felt like I was just been hit by a brick. Even until today, I kept questioning myself why am I still not covering my head? I pray 5 times a day (I try) and I recite the Quran sometimes but why is it so hard for me to do that one compulsory thing? If you guys notice, I hardly wear shorts these days? Haha. There you go, baby steps. No point of me bragging about this because at the end of the day, it's between me and God but I've been carrying this thing for quite sometime and I hope when the right time comes, I will change :)

And of course, to elaborate on the fear of losing our parents would be unbearable. Let's not talk about things we can never alter. Thus, my second fear will be regarding my future and to be more specific, about marriage. Not wedding, but marriage because I can pretend to have a wedding but I can't pretend a marriage can I? I fear that I might not get married to the one that I truly love and of course, I am terrified thinking about the possibility of me not getting married at all. To be apart of the peer pressure thingy is one thing, but to be alone for the rest of your life can be the scariest thing. When there's no one for you to go back to.. Ah, just the thought of it, scares me. When I tell my friends this, they will say just have faith and continue praying. I am putting all my faith in God but it's only normal for you to have this curiosity about your future partner. Who is he? Do you know him now? If not, when will I meet him? How did I meet him? I am sooo curious about this and if only I have little sneak peeks of these questions, then maybe my curiosity will tone down a bit and my faith will always be restored and increased. I mean, have faith in Him, always. I pray to God hard everyday that I don't end up alone in this world, because being a lone ranger sucks if everyone else is already married.  After all, it is normal for human being to want to be loved and to love back. As for now, I am quite having fun :) 

I also fear that I might not be able to have my own  kids. Is this too much information already? I love cute little kids and to not be able to have them on my own someday will kill me on the inside. I am not scared of not having enough money in the world because no amount will ever be enough anyway. I am not scared of not getting the best position in the world because those are only material stuff and we can always work hard to achieve those material matter. One more thing, I fear that I might not be able to get over you. What if I don't get over you and we do not end up with each other? I don't think we'd end up with each other, by looking at the current situation now. Haha, I fear that one day I might confess to you, again and again and I might lose you for good. I'm scared to even tell you what I am feeling because at certain points, even I am not sure of what I am feeling. I fear that I might cross the invisible friendship line again because it is too fine that sometimes, the line seems blurry. I fear of talking to you in public because then people might be able to see how I really feel for you. I fear that you might not know that you have actually crossed the line and I am just too plain dumb to confront you and I can only wonder why without having the courage to do so. I fear that I can only ask myself what I mean to you because I know you will never ever tell me. I fear for a lot of things when it comes to you. I fear that you will read this. Haha. Ah, just when I am typing, you appeared. Scary shit.

Fearless is something that we aim to be but if we are always fearless, then perhaps we will not be humbled and we may be arrogant in many ways. I prefer to be fearful of something and be humbled along the way.