12 steps backwards.

Time flies, no doubt in that. Sometimes, we feel like the time moves so fast that we barely have time to catch up. 2011 went by in a blink of an eye. Usually, I love to sit down and reflect on the things that I have been through for the whole year. It seems like the right thing to do, for you to sit down, reflect back on the things that you have done, the things that you wished you did not do and the things that you wish you had done. On one quiet evening, I tried to sit down and have a talk with myself. Alright that’s a lie. I do my thinking in the shower. Hehe. So I was perhaps shampooing my hair and I thought to myself, 2011 has been a year of flat experience.  I enjoyed myself but it was more of a year that I just had fun. I absorbed everything slowly.

After all, I have learned that I used to look back, still checking on the rearview mirror to check on my past decision. I also love(d) to plan ahead for my future, some sort of forward looking method but I forget that when I look back, nothing changes. Those moments turned into memories and there’s nothing I can do to alter it and those future moments can only be left as plans if I don’t execute them, properly.

I don’t move on quickly. I don’t move on at a normal pace. It is not so much about me holding grudges but you know how those memories linger in your head and it is always at the back of your mind. That’s how my mind works, or I guess that’s how our memories work. At odd times, I’ll get flashes of images that I don’t intend to remember. It’s weird sometimes to be remembered of those wonderful memories but when you are so attached to the bad ones, then I do not know how to move on. Best thing about it is, those memories are reliving it self.

I like to imagine things forward. I used to have a concrete plan about my future as I seemed to be so sure about what I want in life but I have to remember that I plan and if God doesn’t approve my plans, He has all the power in the world to put a stop to it or to change it. At this particular moment, I do not know what to do with my life. Yes, I plan to pursue my professional plan after I'm done with my Degree. I am somehow not excited about this. I am just playing along with my parents' choice. I wish I did apply for work because I think I should do it part time so that I don't waste so much time. Then, one may ask, what am I rushing for? My answer is, I don't know but I believe that while I am young now, might as well use all my youth time, catch whatever opportunities in front of me, so that when I am on my deathbed, I don't want to have flashbacks of living a life I might regret. 

Oh, I'm back to that boring topic. So, 2011 was a splendid-flat-lesson-learned year. I'm trying to make my 2012 more interesting but it opened its big curtain with my final exams. Tadaa. What a way to remember the New Year :) Hehe but fret not, I can see a bright future from here!

And oh yes, I haven't had those weird dream with you, you and you in it. Is it because I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit and think about you? I guess so. 

The truth hurts, always.

Every where, everyone keeps on posting about the memories of 2011. I cannot believe that 2011 is coming to an end already. I have not fully enjoyed 2011 and if there's one word to describe this year, it would be an 'eye-opener'year. Or should I say that this particular December has been an 'eye-opener' month? 

This past four weeks have been one hella of a month. I've been a lazy student, ignorant friend and a bad daughter. I just did not enjoy this December as much as I tried to. Okay chup, I should divide this post into two because I did actually enjoy my last day of class with my classmates but that's besides the point of this post. 

I had deep conversations with two persons tonight. One is with my mother. Lately, I've been throwing tantrums at her with no reasons. Well, I've got my own reasons but I guess after hearing her explanations, I owe an apology to her. I should have been more understanding, I should have listened to her closely and put my judgement aside.  I was being so stubborn that I wanted to win. It's not so much about winning but more to explaining what I am feeling. After I've let out my feelings, I forgot about how it would affect my mother. I said I am 22 years old, but tonight I realized I've acted like I am 10 years old. The only difference is I don't shout in the malls when I don't get things my way. I should have been more mature and yet I am not. So, I guess, I need someone to tell me off and let me see things from a different perspective. Frankly, I am so scared of having my own child because if I am a monster, then I would not want to be creating little monsters in the future. I should really think about this before I claim to be a 22 year old. I'm afraid that my actions are from the accumulation of resentments that I've had but on what basis am I having all these resentment and anger? I've got everything that I need. Maybe not what I want but mostly everything that I need. 

The second conversation was with a dear friend. A friends that is willing to tell me something hurtful yet it is the truth. No one wants to hear something that is not pleasant to our ears but you've got to be brave enough to swallow the truth. I'm not brave enough to accept the truth, so I've been postponing any events that might lead me to hearing the truth. I avoid deep conversation that might get me into trouble with  my own mind. I avoid them completely. Instead, I put in fantasy and fairy tales in my mind. Way better that way and I get to sleep at night. My problems are trivial, I know. There are people who can barely make it for the day. I need to feed my brain with these kind of images, so that I am more thankful for having such a life. 

I told my mom that I'm thankful for every second of my life and for everything that I have in life. She replied "Yes, I know that you are thankful but sometimes, your actions show otherwise" or something along those line.

So, how's this to end your 2011? I need to sit and think deeply because this was indeed, a big tight slap on the face and I am not ashamed to admit it.

"You will always wish that you knew what you know now when you were younger. You will surely wish you acted upon the knowledge that you know now when you will be in the grave."

Over.

I want to blog about a lot of things but it doesn't seem like its the perfect timing but I want to able to look back at this date and remember that this is my last week to go to class as a Degree student. Four and a half years of going in and out of class with the same faces, I reckon I will cry on the day of our departure :(

The start of a new year.

A public holiday for all the people who despise Monday, truly its a gift for everyone. Slept at about 1am last night, I decided it should be an early day for me today. I woke up forcefully, prayed before the sun went up and went for a morning walk before it was too hot. Its 28th of November and here I am, in the middle of the semester.  The long weekend went by like a breeze. We bid Saturday with the introduction of our Financial Accounting assessment and I bet we're saying goodbye to our 3 day weekend with the same thing. Awkward timing, bizarre encounters along the way. I felt a bit weird last night, I don't know where the weirdness came from but I embraced it. I tried to embrace it well. It's been too long for me to be affected by it. I've gotten a grip of myself, I've been cured. I got the message, it was delivered well. But, nothing will change. 

So, have a great year ahead, Muslims. It's the little things that count. One, two and three. Read in between the line and don't make assumptions. Enjoy the rest of the year guys. 

The 10000th day of going to class.

Cool morning breeze.
Cold morning shower.
Messy bed and wrinkled shirt.
Hot iron with tangled strings.
Fresh radio sound and clear morning news.
Baby steps on the stairs.
Roaring sound of the engine. 
Heavy traffic with hungry student.
Hopeful heart,scouting for that one spot.
There's no parking spot left.
You day ends there. 
Back to the messy bed, sleeping with your wrinkled shirt,again.

#goodbyeonetreehill

One can do so much.
One can think so much.
One can laugh so much.
One can cry so much.
One can sleep so much.
One can eat so much.

But can one study,love and pray too much?

Adamant.

Definition found after two seconds of typing it on Google ; Refusing to be persuaded or to change one's mind.

In this case, its the heart. Not the mind. Adamant. Adamant. Adamant. The fourth time that I'm repeating this, it looks like Adam + Aiman = Adamant. Okay lame joke but if you say it out loud. Ay-de-men. Right? Haha. Adamant. Swear I don't know why I am so adamant about it this time around. Hard as a rock, adamant as it is. 

Dum dum dum.

               This is how she looks like right now, or even bigger now :)

11th of November, I just missed it.

12th of November 2011.

There goes my chance of writing something on a very beautiful date that comes only once in a hundred years. I spent the whole day complaining about my neck. I reckon it is due to the long hours of sitting in front of the laptop and the wrong sleeping position. I was too tired to care about the way I sleep. A bed. That's all I need. Other than that, I spent the half of the day in front of the laptop again, typing out my report of JIT(puke blood), mocking other people on Twitter and when the night arrived, I went out with my Mom and my sister. Later, I hung out with a few friends and came back home, straight to the laptop again. As I am describing this, I feel like I am a dork. 

Coming back to a comfortable surroundings, there's nothing more lovely than this. At the beginning of my holiday, my parents made the decision to put a stand on my future. Oh yes, you read that correctly. My future but they are willing to sponsor me, so it just became our future. Haha. I don't see the reason why I should oppose to such wonderful idea. I get to touch, smell and read more books in the next one and a half year. Decision has been made. I shall only follow. Its a bonus points for me actually. I can postpone any thoughts about the future. Just delay off the important things. 

But of course, things come with its own pros and cons. I might be jealous when my friends can spend their own hard earned cash and here I am, I have to ask my parents for everything, still. Ah, this is all still in the planning and I hope God will bless this simple plan of mine and make everything easy, or at least bearable for me to go through. 

Grow up, that's the only way to go.

It's the holiday! It's the holiday! Yea, one can keep chanting, only to find out that its already the 4th day of the holiday! We are left with only 5 day and tonnes of assignments to be done. YIKES! Pushing that serious matter aside, I hope it's not too late for me to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all the Muslims out there, be it in Malaysia, or anywhere else in the world, especially to those who are performing their Hajj. They are lucky enough to be there :') 

My family tradition on my dad's side regarding Raya Haji is a bit lighter, compared to my mom's side. We don't really comply to any tradition, food may be served differently every year, sometimes we get duit raya, sometimes we don't, and you can not wear baju kurung on the day itself. It's normal. At least, I think it is. But one tradition remains the same, whereby the village will always hold its annual korban celebration. I've been watching cows get slaughtered ever since I was small. I would go and see it live and back then, I wasn't so afraid and scared to see such things. Probably because I was young and careless. Now, I am not young and I care-more. True story, sad story. 

Raya Haji is actually about sacrifices. What kind of sacrifices do you make? What kind of sacrifices have I made? Not an easy list to fill up, not an easy matter to think of. I sacrificed my wants, for others needs. Sure, I can say that but what have I done? I sleep less these days, to make way for more studying? Pfttt. Well, I sacrificed my sleeping time in class, to make sure that I listen in class and not to offense the lecturer by sleeping. Haha what kind of sacrifice is that? 

To be honest, I've got other things on my mind lately. Probably I shouldn't write it, I know I shouldn't but I guess we are all big enough to face our problems, rather than sweeping it under the carpet and the dusts keep on accumulating. Bullying, and I mean, any kind of bullying. I am the second child, out of four and the eldest one is a brother, a 26 year old brother. Bullying, teasing and fooling around are normal in my upbringing. True. My brother calls me Gemok, Kerinting, Maggi and all other stuffs since I was small. I am offended by it? Sometimes but if I were to take it seriously, what's the fun of it? So, I just take it as a way of to communicate. Of course we don't go by everyday by saying, Oh, I love you brother. I love you sister. Dushhhh. No way but I guess by him teasing me, its enough to let me know that he cares. Weird. So now, the table is turned. He's fatter than before. So I call him fat. He gets really offended by it. The same goes to my little brother. Both of them are men. Not just boys. They gained a few kilos and muscles can be seen everywere. Fat, too. For them to be calling me fat, that's fine. For me to be calling them fat, that's an insult. PFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! 

Many other things that have been happening around me lately. Things that I cannot comprehend. Things that when I look back, I cannot connect the dots, somehow. It doesn't jive. You bully other people, that's fine but when it is your turn to be teased and bullied, you sulk all the way. Bullying is wrong, not matter what but sometimes, its a way for us to be close. It has always been that way. I guess certain lines of limitations ought to be drawn and sometimes, we do cross the invisible line. This is a very subjective matter. What hurts me, might not hurt you. 

Serious matter. I hate it when I am being bullied especially by this certain someone. The mop is calling me. Chow!