Mercy.

I suppose, it's about time that I update about my work now since it a few days time, I'll hit my 6 months mile stone in audit. That is something, considering how much I hated it in the first few months. I don't hate it as much now, the feeling is just neutral. To be honest, I found the thing that I was so scared of and it was my manager. Ha ha ha. I don't know what happened along the way, maybe it was the my parent's prayers, God's mercy on me and so much more, that everything changed. Take note, I still think that audit is not for me but at least, work became bearable because of the people around it. No doubt, the nature of the work is still so hard for me. I've never done it in real life, ni pulak kan nak check keje orang. Anyway, I still feel like I'm the problematic associate. Haha I do the stupidest thing that anyone can do. For example, I can go into a meeting of 4 people, where everyone is staring at each other's eyes, and suddenly, my pen was running out of ink at the beginning of it. I swear these little things are so not funny at that particular moment but looking back at it now, my God..... 

Anyway, all I'm saying is,  I am still alive. That's all. Too sleepy to write an essay!

Pain in all forms.

Wishing that I was a little kid, again who only recognizes fun, laughter and physical pain if I ever fall down.

Physical pain is easily cured but not emotional and mental pain.

I wonder if I ever did recover from one of those intangible pain?

Because sometimes, when I look back and I flip through those memories,

I don't remember what had happened but somehow, I remember what I felt. 

A baby, no more.

Growing up, my brother and I were never that close as we have a 4 year old gap in between us. 4 years is not that much but I guess, we are just so different while growing up. I remember calling him Adam when we were younger until my aunty said, "He's your big brother. Call him Abang Adam". So I did call him Abang Adam until of course, now it became Abdam. As we grow older, I moved to Shah Alam and at that time, he was living in Subang, we were forced to be close to each other. We were forced to talk to each other. He would pick me up from my college and send me back to my aunty's place in Ampang, then we would go out for dinner or lunch. He would call me once in a while to check on me. I will call him up for money or my free ticket. Haha. What else can a little sister do to his big brother? Ask for things and bug him, always. 

 He will always tell me all his girl problems, never about work and I will always listen and just gave him a straight up answer that he probably never want to hear but somehow, I never tell him who am I going out with or anything.  I wonder why.. Things have changed and he's getting married in about 6 more days. I know I will not lose him as  a brother but after this, I cannot be mad at him if he prioritizes the wife, over the sister. Its a tad bit emotional thinking about it actually. So, my brother is getting married soon. Boo hoo. Wait, I'm living with him after this. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. 

Last time having dinner with the cousins before he gets married. 

My first peak period.

My father does not say much on a daily basis. Our phone calls are those calls that are just so awkward and weird. He will call for important things and maybe once or twice, when he really misses me but I always take his words seriously. I am so miserable right now because of work and he knows it, through my daily conversation with my mother. I was at the verge of breaking down, that on one night, I felt so freaking miserable that I went to sleep, crying. The pressure was too much, I don't think I can handle it. At that time, I called my mother and I just cried my heart out. First thing that my mother did the next day was, she took the afternoon flight to KL, just to check on me but before she board the plane, my father said "Ask Min to quit her job," My mother told me that and she added, "That's not a suggestion, that's an order" 

I am as miserable as fuck. I swear I am. Shouldn't I be happy to wake up in the morning? I should thank God for another day in this wonderful life but instead, its another miserable and long day, ahead of me. Usually, that's how I feel in the morning, but as the day unfolds itself, my day gets better actually. During the day, I will get my momentum going but of course, in the middle of it, I stumbled and I find it hard to get up again. For every problem, there must be a solution. That's what I tell myself but for me to settle my problem, I have to face it the boss, which indirectly shows my incompetency and stupidity, which I am totally fine but somehow, working comes in a package of 'Stress and Expectation'. 

I am slow, I admit. Everyone around me keeps on saying, accounting is a routine. I do agree on that but a routine is something that you do repeatedly. I have never done it before. So, technically, its not a routine for me. As of now, I feel like I am the problematic associate, or wait, I am the problematic associate. It feels like I am stuck in the wrong job. Perhaps I am. Its a rare chance that you will love your first job, instantly but you can certainly know when it is the wrong one. Someone said 'I think auditing is not for you, maybe you should try something else. You know, not being able to do audit is not the end of the world' True. I second every word of that sentence but this is my first real engagement, how do I know that the next engagement will not be as hard as this? How do I know that it is not my cup of tea during my first engagement? It's too soon to tell. 

I remember having a really hard time when I was in my last year of Diploma because we had too many subjects and at one point, I cannot cope with it but I stayed on and finished it. I wonder if that's the same case as this one. I have so many things to say right now but my mind is somehow fucked and screwed because a file decided to corrupt itself and I can't find it in my local copy in my laptop. Life is great, too great sometimes but whatever it is, Mom said, hold on to God. In times of despair and uncertainty, turn to him and he will guide you throughout the way. I shall hold on to that.

Goodnight everyone. Don't join audit. 

Jumping from 23 to 24.

Just when I thought that turning 23 years old was a big thing, then come another year added to the number and of course, the number becomes greater, the pressure becomes higher and of course, your responsibility increases as well. I'll be 24 years old next year and my life is totally opposite from what I had imagined when I was 10 years old. If there was any memory that I tried my best to hold on to when I was in my primary school, it would be this one where it was a decent conversation that we had at the school canteen when I was 10 years old with Sharifah, Shakirah and Maisara. The conversation triggered when one of them said  something like 'When we grow up, in our early 20s we should live together. At least, we will always be together'. Back then, everyone was looking forward to growing up as fast as possible, wanting to leave our parents house, with dreams of making it big on our own, when little that we know, life is not that easy, not that simple. Everyone is living separately, scattered all around the nation but I know for sure that we will always have each other's back. 2012, shall be categorized as the experimental year, where I experienced things that I never thought I ever wanted to and I never thought I could.

In January, after four and a half year journey with my friends, I finally sat for  my last exam as a Degree student, with bittersweet feelings. No one wanted to leave the comfort zone of being a student. Looking back, our university life was actually easy. Our parents provided us with cars, endless amount of money whenever is needed, scholarships, a house and there was never a moment where we had to live in hunger or starve ourselves to sleep. All we had to do was study ;') To pack and leave the house was easy but to leave the housemates and memories, was not. And then, came the Dinner with the Wedding theme. Mom really did put in effort for my dinner attire to make sure that I was not wearing anything revealing and sexy this time around. Hahaha. Thank you, Mother :) And, not to forget our epic performance that night. Gosh, how did we pull it off? Dancing for a good 15 minutes in front of the VC and the whole crowd, that was really something worth remembering. Good times, that we had but of course, the end of my university life means, the start of all the uncertainty. I was puzzled, not knowing what I wanted in life. To pursue my ACCA full time or to just start working and pursue my ACCA as a part time student?

In February, my best friend lost her father. Thank God, I was in Kedah when everything happened and I tried my best to be there for her and her family. No one can ever be prepared or be fully prepared in facing death but no one can escape it, either. That was when I started to remind myself, to always remember about death because it can happen anytime, anywhere. During that time, I was facing with 3 funerals as well, as two of my uncles passed away as well. Al-Fatihah... It was in this month, when I stumbled upon a lot of signs, leaving me puzzled about a few things. You appeared, during my every thoughts of you. It was rather scary and it haunted my every move. We were never meant to be together right, so why did you show up in times when I needed to see you?

In March, it was time to use my last free ticket as a student. I chose London again, to redeem the promise that I had made with Hannah. London was beautiful as always but with its unpredictable weather, it made me miserable. For someone who has wanted to study abroad, London would have been the correct place because it is the right place for to do ACCA but for some reason, I just couldn't wait to go back to Malaysia. It felt right. Maybe because I've been through too much of death at that time, I can't bear the thoughts of being away from my family, if anything happens again. Shallow thinking, maybe but I can't help it but to think, too much. The first thing that I did when I came back home was to enrol myself in UiTM, again but this time, to do my professional papers,

In April, classes started as usual but I had all the free time in the world. From being a student who attended classes from 8.30am to 6.30pm, to only 4 or 5 classes per week, I was really bored. Precious time wasted and money too, I was too bored so I applied for a job. (Now as I am typing this, a tiny bit of regret starts to surface...) To be honest, I applied for a few jobs; one as a Management Trainee under Human Resource, one as an Finance Executive at a local bank and one as an Auditor. I thought I should do something that will compliment my professional papers, hence that's why I became an auditor. It was at that time, that I knew that looking for a job is not easy, especially when you have no experience, hence one cannot be picky in choosing a job. So I made a promise to myself that when the  month of September steps in, I'll just close my eyes and just work. Ahhhh. Wrong move?

In May, I had my convocation and of course, my parents and my friends came. Frankly, I was quite disappointed with myself because I fooled around during my Degree and of course, I didn't graduate with a first class degree. My parents were not excited to come to my convocation but they still came with balloons and flowers. The sad part of this is knowing that I could have made them happy if I were to study more, a bit but nonetheless, I vowed to pass my ACCA papers in one go. And oh, it was in this month where I was supposed to submit my working contract but I did not read it properly, so I did not send it before the stipulated date. At that time, I was already questioning my decision whether if its the correct decision. Was that a sign from God telling me not to take the job? Lol lol. 

In June, the library became our second home as everyone was busy preparing for the exam. We went to the library early in the morning and left only after midnight for three weeks. No one knew how to tackle the questions, how to allocate our time and how to actually answer the question but a junior gave us the best advice. He said that no matter how clueless you are, just don't stop writing and put down your pen. Just continue writing even if it doesn't make sense because at the end of the day, its the examiner that will decide whether it is right or wrong but at least, you wrote something. I also made a stupid rule, to not go and see you until I am done with my paper, so that I will not jinx it and right after that, you were the first person that I saw. Hmmmm.

In July, during my short break, my parents were contemplating whether or not I should perform the endoscopy procedure because my stomach was really bad at that time, but alhamdulillah with lots of Vitagen and fiber intake, everything is so much better now. Hehe. Its really not funny when you're sick and that's when you really wish that you had taken a better care of your body and it was at this time, when I changed my status from a full time student to a part time student, for real. I didn't know whether I was ready or not but I knew I had to be ready. To just kill the ample time that I had, I would still go to the full time classes and that was when I knew that I was not ready to work, because I know peanuts about accounting, especially the technical side of it.

In August, it was my last Hari Raya as a student, it was my last hope to get duit raya and I have to say, it was satisfying! Hahaha so, next year will be my first time of giving duit raya, will update on how it goes :) My results came out on this month as well and it was just satisfying as my duit raya. Hehe. I thought I would fail, hence I wanted to work but turned out, I didn't fail :)

In September, came the month that I was never excited about. Thinking about it gave me nightmares, sweaty palms and more. Then at one point, I was thinking too much about it, I just went in with a open heart. Since I did my internship at the same place, I knew how it was going to be like and suddenly, flash back of memories of the days that I never wanted to wake up and go to work. Bad memories were pushed aside, come 18th of September I showed up to work, with new spirit. Hehe. During the early days, it was the best times because we only had trainings and of course, free coffee and free food. It was always delicious and fattening!! And it was also during training that I found auditing really hard and the concept is really is complex and confusing... And oh, work means its time for me to cover up! And and, it was in September that I last saw you and within that 8 hours of time spent together, I moved on, even it it doesn't sound possible but I did. It was in September that many left to pursue their Masters in the UK :(

In October, my first engagement started and I was new to everything. I learned, I studied and I explored new sides of accounting. My job was actually really relaxed and quite laid-back. It was just a small team of three and everyone got along well. Work was going along just fine but to juggle work, studies and social life was troublesome. Its not possible to push family and friends aside, not that I wanted to but its all about priorities. Weekends meant its time to study but when your parents are in town, it meant something else. I carried my books everywhere, it became such a burden, especially when the book was not even flipped open most of times. Its all about adjusting and I am still at the adjustment stage until now.

In November,  I went into a new engagement. It was different. Somehow, the pressure was really high. Learning had to be done faster, I could barely catch up. That's when I knew I was really slow because looking back, I didn't really do much. Haha. It was all about a  steep learning curve. Learning and adapting. I thought I was the worst in the bunch to have cried and wept over small matter but a senior told me, she vomited, cried and had fever during her first month working and after that, I felt normal again. Hahaha. The one thing that I need to work on is actually my memory. I should remember the details by heart and swallow it!

In December, I got my 10 days break due to my study leave. It was partly heaven, partly hell. For the first few days, it was not easy to make your mind focus on study especially when work keeps on popping up, every morning right before you leave for the library. It was heaven when my time was scheduled based on my own time table. I can go out anytime that I want, I can go back at anytime that I want. Hell, because the exam was too tough. As much as I don't want to be in denial, 10 days is not enough. Of course you need more than that. If I were to fail my exam,I would just go and sit for the exam again with an open heart. Once, someone asked me, how was your exam and I said, I think I failed my exam and so, I'll sit for it again in June June sitting and the person said, 'Oh you're so pessimistic' I thought I'm being all optimistic by embracing my future failure and being all open minded about it? Not apparently. Maybe time to change my mindset and be all optimistic for 2013.

Like I said, 2012 was the experimental year, where I tried many new things and 2013 will be just the same.

I read somewhere that things in life can be divided into two; Things I can change and things I can't change. I agree and I should live by this mantra. 

So, last week, my car got broken into in the middle of the night and a few days later, my laptop got stolen at my aunt's house. Bear in mind, the car was smashed in Ampang and my laptop got stolen in Damansara. It's not like the thief had targeted me since the beginning of time. In my case, its just me having all the bad luck in the world, that week but I am glad I am not auditing any company right now, so basically, I am free right now with no urgent documents and such. Everything has been sent to the server but of course, there are a few documents that I need inside. Nevermind.. A police report has been lodged and just by sending in the report to the IT department, they will give me a new one. Alhamdulillah I didn't have to pay for it or anything. My aunt's house got robbed pretty badly. I hope the thieves find peace within themselves, for taking other people's things. People work hard to buy cars, houses, jewelleries and more and I don't know how the thieves can sleep at night knowing that they are living lavishly through other people's hardwork. 

But maybe, the things that were taken were never ours in the first place. I don't know. So maybe the laptop was never mind in the first place? Haha so, this is categorized as things I can't change. I just have to deal with it, patiently. However, I can change the way I look at it. Just be positive about it, I guess. 2012 is ending soon, wrapping the year in a very weird way. Not looking forward to 2013. I will be 24 years old. Old. That's old. Let's make a long post of 2012 shall we?

6 months later..

Last Tuesday, my car got broken into by one or two thieves at roughly about 12 to 6 in the morning. Haha this feels like as if I am writing an essay to be passed up to the English teacher in one hour. I know I am supposed to feel something about this incident but somehow I was quite calm about it. That morning, I woke up when my aunty's bibik shouted 'Min, kereta kamu kena pecah! Kenapa tak bangun lagi?' I obviously woke up late that morning, thinking that I had no work to be done, hence I can go in slightly later than usual. Jumped out of the bed, ran straight to my car without my glasses, pretending like as if I am not blind when in actual fact, everything was in a blurry mode. The window that was smashed was the one at the back, on the left side. I browsed through the car, everything was still at its place. Touch n' Go was there, my perfume was there, my P2 notes was there and my shoes was there as well. So what was missing? My old pink sweater. Perhaps, the burglar felt a bit chilly that night, that he or she needed my Pink sweater to keep him or her warm? Maybe. Or maybe, he or she loves pink? I guess so. I am just glad that nothing valuable when missing, alhamdulillah. My first thought that morning was, "Did I take out my laptop last night?" But of course I did. I love my work so much, that I'd cling to my laptop at all times. Hehe. Okay maybe not. 

The whole house was of course, in a chaotic mode, trying to figure out how did it happen and how to fix my windows. I called my father straight away then he asked me to go to Perodua and get it fixed right away and I did. Luckily it was not that expensive. In about 3 hours, my car got itself a brand new window and after lunch hour, I went to work as usual again and everything went back to normal. Apparently, the insurance will only cover your windscreen but not your side windows. I guess I was calm about it because I know I cannot do much about it. I just have to go fix it and just move on with my life. 

Manic Tuesday.

Keretaku kena pecah. Habis cerita.

14 days of unhappiness.

Is it possible that after 5 years of taking the course, I feel like I'm in the wrong course? 5 freaking years and still counting, still studying the same thing and I can't even understand a thing right now. Exam is in 6 days time and I can't concentrate thinking about work and when I'm working I think about failing the exam. Okay, lets start with one by one. First thing, about work. I don't handle stress well and that's not new but this time around, I'm just so stressed out. Going into my second engagement, I regret saying yes to it because, it is a big engagement. Many things that I need to know, that I need to remember and I am not even doing the big sections! I should have joined a smaller job in a smaller industry. At least, that way probably the pressure is not so high up the sky. I cried twice last week because I was so scared. Don't even ask me what was it that I am scared of, but when the seniors ask me questions that I don't remember doing, my knees will start to go weak and my ears becomes hot. At that point of time, if you were to ask me what is 1+1, I'll probably can't even answer it. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. All these are giving me daily headache, I hate waking up in the morning. I feel like quitting, all the time and I am jot even confirmed yet! Last week, I even googled 'Regret joining audit' and I am glad to say, after browsing through this anonymous blog, I slept happily that night. One of the comments was saying about 'How auditing made me turn to God'. LOL! Too funny! And another one was saying about how he has been working for 1 year and 3 months and still haven't grasped the whole idea of auditing and he has been passing unknown knowledge to his juniors. Hahaha. God, it feels good to know that I am not the only one. Currently, I feel like I am at my lowest point because last week, I screwed up at work. I always go back to the reason why I am there. I am working at an audit firm because I want to learn. I accept the fact that I am super slow, incompetent but I am willing to learn. Learning takes time I guess but, but I swear it doesn't help when the seniors know that you used to be an intern at that same particular company, thinking that you actually have a clue on what you're doing but actually, you still dont'. BUT they are really nice actually. I should thank my lucky stars that they don't mind teaching me from A to Z or maybe they do but oh well, I should just be thankful. But I have short term memories these days that I don't even remember what I learned last week, please don't expect me to remember things I did a year ago. Haih. I soooo need to catch up but at the same time, I shall not let it get to me. I want to quit.... I've been counting the weeks and I have 144 weeks to go. I'm starting to wonder how the hell did I pass my papers all these while and that leads to the ext topic, my exam. S many things to study, so little time. I know I should go and study now but I just can't. Head all over the place. I lost a kilo from all the nervousness that I went through in the past 2 weeks. Imagine in 3 years, how thin will I be.. Pooof! I'm gone.... I'll give it a year.. I just found out that I'm not a tough cookie. I just... I just don't want to be doing things that I don't like... I don't want to wake up on Saturday, hating life because its reaching Monday already because that's how I feel right now....

Sneak peek of the Peak.

I admit defeat. I have to and it only took me 2 months and 6 days to make such announcement. I admit now that it is extremely hard to juggle work, studies and social life. I am so used to saying 'Yes, yes and yes' to all kinds of hang outs with family and friends and I have been learning or more like adapting to the 2 letter word, 'No'. It's either a 'No' or its an 'I don't think I'll make it on time' Pfttt. Actually, I was free up until 2 weeks ago since the new engagement has started. 

One minute you're thinking about the workload, then suddenly, you catch a glimpse of something that will remind you of your exam. Then wait until you go to your client's cubicle to beg for documents and you'll see a picture of them with their family displayed on the desktop and your mind goes 'When are you gonna have THAT displayed on your laptop?' And of course, you will forget about the work AND exam. Hahahaha. Loser.

One thing for sure now, is that I am not fidgety anymore when the clock strikes 5.30pm because I can never go back at that particular time anymore. I will just look at the watch and say 'Oh, its only 5.30pm' and my mind will calculate the hours left before I can go back. Everyday, I wake up with the same thought asking myself why am I doing this when the rest of the housemates are still sleeping and will only wake up at 9am to study. Why did I choose to do this? I can never actually put it down in words. Seeing your housemates sleeping while you have to go to work can be quite depressing actually. 

But I came across this magical thought while I was on my way to go see Breaking Dawn, which by the way I think is really beautiful ;') I love Jacob but Edward and Bella are too sweet. So, back to my magical thought. I was thinking right, if suddenly Jacob asks me to marry him ( HAHAHAHA) I will say 'Yes' in a heartbeat forsho! BUT, I was thinking, will I stop working? And just let him take care of me for the rest of my life? What will I become? A girl who married a freaking hot guy, rich but no dream of mine? So, I figured, I actually want to be at least, successful in my own way. 

In other words, I should not quit although sometimes, I think I really want to. Back to Breaking Dawn, I think I should do a marathon tonight. Watch all the whole Twilight Saga although a loyal reader of mine thinks its utterly stupid. Hey, I like it okay. Haha. Oh, remember how I've always wanted to work in the newsprint or journalism sector? I am actually auditing a company that is involved in that sector. God works miraculously, don't you think? I learn how things operate at a newsprint company but I still get to do what I love to do, both at the same time and one thing that I can say is that, I am glad I chose accounting. Although, I have to admit, auditors/accountants can be really boring at times and oh, nerdy also. 

Sorry to blab on immaterial things. I wish I had better things to write about like holiday trips and such, but as for now, I have none but I'll be on study leave starting from 1st December until my exam date. That should be exciting enough right? Hehe hmm, okay. So the conclusion of this post is that, I don't hate my job but I don't love my job alright? Its in the middle. I like it. I don't cringe in the morning because I don't want to go to work. I don't mind going but it would be better if I can just stay at home and cuddle with my blanket and pillow. The team makes it better actually :)