RED.

I love how her albums are always coming out in October.

It's like Taylor Swift saying, 

"Hey Jasmin, I decided to make your month extra special. So I'll release my album just a few days before your birthday alright?" 

I can hear her say that. 

So, my reply to her would be,

"Thanks Taylor. You're so sensitive towards my feelings. Your album is basically my diary but somehow, you have the guts to voice it out, you have got the talent to play the guitar and you can sing.

I can only write them down in Microsoft Words, save it as draft in my emails and never did send them anywhere. Hahaha and oh, thank you for the early birthday present! :) 

3 more days to go before the weekends. 

:DDDD

5 more days to go before the RED is released !

One level.

Shocked, puzzled and some pretended like as if my curly hair is still visible :O Those were some of the reactions that I received from my surroundings when they saw me for the last one month. Not to mention those second glances that people gave me, because the first glance did not do justice for them. The eye contact made on the first sight was not sufficient for them to know that was me, they needed the assurance that it was really me. Funny, it really was and it made me wonder how different do I really look like now. Officially, it has been a month and I thought, I might as well give the reasons on why I chose to don the scarf, when in actual fact, no reason should be given. This is a big transition, trust me and I should document this down, in detail. Oh, I've been working for a month too! Weee!

Initially, I thought there would be no big adjustments to be made because I have actually been preparing for this big transition slowly by buying appropriate clothes for the past one year but as I was slowly cleaning out my closet, I realised I was actually really sad to  put aside all my tight-body-hugging t-shirts, my three quarter shorts, my see-through tops, the few dresses that I have and my favourite short black dress. I stared at them for a while before putting them all in one big paper bag. Reality have sunk in, looking from a physical point of view, I just made my life a bit more complicated. Reasons being, I will not be able to go out of the house freely with my boxers and t-shirts to just go to the nearest shop, I will not be able to go out with my see-through tops and shorts and no more putting on short dresses to go out on a Friday night with my cousins to just have fun or to even go on Facetime requires a bit of thinking lately. Should I put on my tudung? When obviously the other party knows how my hair looks like. (Yea, just in case you're reading this. Haha. So have fun staring at the wall. Hehe) To just decide whether I want to go to the beach was also a difficult decision to be made.  I wonder what are the limited perimeters that I am compounded to? Simple questions, made difficult. I had to think about all of these questions because they are important to me. I am still not in the position where I feel like if there's a boy, then I should cover my head. Instead, it feels like 'Hey, I am going out of the house, I should cover my head, just because it feels right to do so'. Perhaps, the feelings will grow on me slowly or more like, the tudung will grow with me. It's quite complicated...

BUT

If there is any stand that I hold on to, in order to make all these seem easy, it would be this,

"If you take one step closer to Allah, He will take 10 steps towards you"

Because it is true. 

When people asked me why I made such decision, I gave them the easiest answer. “My father gave me the cue already” Truth be told, my father had given me the cue a long time ago but of course, I took it lightly. I was not ready physically and mentally. My mother was not very supportive of my father’s decision because she did not want me to do it out of enforcement from them. It was not because she was condoning my actions and rights, but because she’s afraid it might back fire them and in the end, they’ll be hurt. I promised myself that I will wear it when I am ready. When will I be ready? I will never be ready unless I force myself to be ready. A while ago someone asked me, if a guy that I like asked me to wear it, will I wear it? I said no. It is not because of ego but I will do it for myself on my own terms and of course, because of God, not because of another boy. If he loves me enough, he'll accept me whichever way that I may go.

101 reasons can be listed on why I made this decision but some shall be kept to me. The event that became the starting point of it all was during my flight back to Malaysia, from Korea. I wrote it a while ago in here. Of course, I still remember how the incident happened vividly. When someone asked you what is your religion, it feels like they just slapped you with the biggest brick ever existed in the world but of course, it didn't help much with the fact that I was wearing shorts with a hoodie and I had to recite Al-Fatihah to him, just to prove to him that I am a Muslim. In the first place, I did not need to prove to him that I am a Muslim but having to explain to him that I was one was embarrassing and it showed ignorance from my end. It made me think hard, it made me think deep. At least, that was how I felt at that time. Probably it was the way that I carry myself as well. I don't want to be the person that seeks for Him, only when I am in trouble and forget about Him, when I am free and happy. Plus, the five funerals that I went to, in six months left a big impact in my mind. Life is short. Life is short. Life is short.    

For every time I am in a dilemma on how to face a situation on what to wear and such, somehow there will always be a solution to it at the nick of time. Life is actually really simple, if you don't complicate them. Just because I started wearing tudung, does not mean I just started praying and just because I started wearing tudung, I will start preaching like I know everything.  Nope. I am still me, the girl that you will find laughing loudly at the corner while she's eating her roti canai, playing with her phone and gushing about Ashton Kutcher :)

October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

So, you get the message ?

The month of October is here.

I owe this blog a post.

A post on 'Why?'.

Just so you know, today is the 6th of October already.

Time is not flying anymore.

Time is somehow disappearing and appearing.

I can barely catch it.

I am not complaining, because probably then, four years will go by in a blink of an eye.

It's October, dude.

Motivation.

One hour is approximately the amount of time needed for me to travel to work in the morning, with bad traffics and toll in between. In those precious 60 minutes, I will apply my lip balm for 13 times, listen to Justin Bieber's song back to back, play with my phone, eat my breakfast, take pictures, curse and of course, look around and think. It does not take much for you to think, as you'll look around your surroundings and there will be other drivers in the next car, yawning and eating. Probably they are late for a meeting, probably they are tired, probably they are eager to go to work, just like you! Maybe. Every reason seems valid.

But the one thing that made me ponder hard is, "What is their motivation to wake up in the morning?" and maybe, you'll ask the same question, "What is my motivation to wake up in the morning, every single day?" It seems impossible for it to be put down in words. I have no idea what is my motivation for me to be waking up in the morning, take a cold shower, put on my clothes and start the engine. For some parents, maybe the objective is clearer, where they would think about providing the best for their children, hence the solid motivation. Bills you need to pay, food to be put on the table and things your child will ask for. For some, working to support the family as they may be the sole breadwinner in the family. For some, working in order to support their dreams. Perhaps to travel the world, buy a new car, saving up for a house, and such. For the motivation to be absolute and concrete, its easier. You can say, I think about my dream house and my eyes are awake but if your motivation is more abstract, then its a whole different concept. 

I wonder what is my motivation for me to even work, when most of my friends are still studying. I reckon I have that competitive side of me, where I don't want to be left out. Life would be so much easier if I can wake up at 10am, take a hot shower and get ready for class at 2pm. I should set some life goals, so that I can easily get up in the morning and go to work with a smile. Actually, now that I am going into my 7th day, it's not that bad actually. The auditing and accounting concepts are easier to grasp these days because of the experience that I have, maybe. Friends talk in a common language that everyone understands. A few good looking guys here and there. It's not that bad, I suppose. At the end of the day, work is still work, anywhere. People do not recognize me these days and I'm loving it. 

One thing that I notice is, if I were to put my dreams and goals on this blog, it'll come true. Somehow, it acts like my wishlist and when I see it being put up here, I see it as a promise that I have made to myself and if I were to go against my own promise to myself, then it seems a bit odd now, isn't it? Oh suddenly the pressure is up!! So, here it goes. My first goal has to be realistic isn't it? 

1. Find Ashton Kutcher. Yes, find because he will not just appear if you don't come up with a master plan on how to see him. Find him. 

2. Finish your professional papers. No time limit. Just finish them. Looking at the situation now, I may take forever!

3. Get married when you reach 26 years old. Or 27 years old. Or 28 years old. Okay seriously for this one. No time limit. HAHAHAHA.

4. Move out and get a place in the middle of the city, not Shah Alam.

5. Don't quit your first job until you think your resume will be attractive enough for you to find another job. 

6. Start paying for your car. I will, I will!

7. Save up for AMERICA! 

8. Find Ashton Kutcher!  

9. Start running, or more like, go for a jog if you get to reach home when the sun is still up. 

10. Stop biting your nails, Jasmin Anis. You're turning 23 soon. (Almost there)

11. Mom said I have got to stop being picky when it comes to finding the right one. Seriously??

12. Open your own dessert shop!

13. Buy Taylor Swift's album when it comes out. 

14. Don't skip your weekly class!!!

15. Pakai tudung. Okay dah!  (Easiest thing to decide but hardest thing to execute)

Daily view. 

Life will be exciting again. Soon. 

Work.

Growing up, I have always wanted to work in a big building. I fancy those corporate look. Lifts that go up till 30 storeys high, people with black, grey and white attires going in and out of the building while holding their cups of coffee and numerous files. That was what I had envisioned through out my life. Fair enough, I got what I wanted but it is definitely more than that. There are 6 lifts that fly up till nth storeys but the company that I am working for stops at the 15th floor. There's a coffee shop situated there for people to have small discussions, meetings and quick lunches. The files that they carry with them contain valuable information that if those files went missing, their life would turn upside down. 

I am only going into my 5th day of my career life as of tomorrow but since I did my internship here, I know how things go down here. It is so weird that I am back here again because I don't recall being happy during my 6 months internship. I felt small, I felt intimidated and I felt stupid but because of those reasons, I made up my mind to apply back here with hopes, I can be better, improve my knowledge and not feel small, intimidated and stupid, again. I went in again, with flashbacks of not-so-fond-memories. 

I have no idea how long will I survive this time around, but I am extremely curious. The ones that are crazy, funny and want a normal life have left the company. I think I belong to those group but people around me have been telling me that once I get passed by the 3 years, I can quit and get my life back but come to think of it, 3 years is a long time. Hmmm. I'll take it as a challenge. So my daily challenge now is to wake up at 6 in the morning and be at the big fancy office by 8.30pm. Alright, challenge accepted...

5 letter word.

"Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego."

I do value the friendship because we've been through a lot, truly but as far as I am concerned, you don't.

Independent.

The last day of August and of course, its our 55th Independence Day. Happy Birthday, Malaysia! And if only you knew how much I love you and how much I am thankful that I am born in this country and not elsewhere. I'll be lying if I don't dream of being born in the States and to live there but for most of the part, I appreciate Malaysia very much. 

Our way to show our love for the nation :P

So, September shall make its way into the year of 2012 very soon. Oh, I am worried, more than I am happy about it. I've been dreading the month, I've been counting the days and I've been procrastinating every single thing. There's always a first in everything that you do, yes. Frankly, I am scared but I chose to do this and I will commit to it. The other day, my cousins and I were on our way to see a movie and in the car, one of them asked me when will I start work and I answered with a long sigh and I said "18th of September, insyaAllah" and then she goes "Why do people want to be an accountant/auditor and how do they get motivated to wake up in the morning and go to work?" Oh my lord... I went blank for a while. 

Or more like, I went blank till now. Why? I don't know. Sometimes, you don't get to do what you truly like. It's just a place for you to start and from then on, perhaps you can move to other lines and be what you really want. I want to open a nice dessert shop but I don't have the capital and expertise now. Maybe, after a while, perhaps I can start saving and learn more about business in depth then only I can do what I truly like.

And sometimes, you do something because you're good at it. Not necessarily you have to really like it but if you can do well in it, then why not? To add to that, money is the key factor in this. Of course, of course. Ah, September. You are really something. You will be the turning point. 

Selamat Hari Raya people! 

Powerful mind.

It's been a while since I last encountered with 'signs'. I don't even remember when was the last time but usually, you will just appear at every whisper of my heart. Oh so geli but so true. Its Ramadhan and I dare not ask for silly things because I am aware of the power of the month. You pray for something nice, God will grant you 'it' at the very moment but today, you came across my mind and I pondered where were you. It was just a normal question because I think we are at the same place, geographically. A few hours later, your car passed by mine. I took it as an indication that you're here. Yes you are. Maybe I am reading too much into this, maybe but you didn't appear when I didn't ask for it. You only appear when I do. Rephrasing that, you always appear in front of me when you're on my mind. Get it?

The little things in life.

And so I passed my first ever professional paper, alhamdulillah. It felt good, knowing that all your efforts and prayers paid off. If I had failed, I know who to blame. (The one and only, yours truly who went out most of the nights, when she should be staying at home and study) And of course, if I failed it must have been because I was not ethical enough because it was a Corporate Governance paper. Lol! This time around, I passed because I studied hard, prayed hard and of course, with the extra touch of my parents' blessings. I am one who believes deeply in these kind of things because when you've been through it, you will feel its presence. This is sort off the part two of my previous post. 

As I grow older, I'm starting to realise the importance of having a good relationship with my parents, especially my mother. My days would suck if we're on bad terms. My days would feel empty without her calls. Basically, I try my best to please her on a daily basis but all of these have been learned in a few years time, especially ever since I've been living on my own. At the end of the day, your life would be blissful if your parents are happy, not your friends, not your siblings and most importantly, not your boyfriend. I come back at my mother's command. Sometimes, I get a phone call from my mother asking me to come back on the same day. Mind you, Alor Star is far and it gets tiring sometimes but... when your mother asks you to come back, she means it. As a matter of fact, I sort of plan my daily schedule at my mother's command. For example, entertain my grandmother, go visit my uncle, go back to Ampang, buy her curtains, and sometimes, go see her customer. 

To cut my long story short, during the one month study break, my mother wanted to bring my grandmother back to Alor Star knowing that I would be at home studying. Frankly, I cringed a bit when I found out about it. For me to be taking care of my grandmother when I am free and doing nothing would be more than fine but to take care of her during my study week would be quite a challenge. I did complain to a friend but she sort of said "Come on, takpe, buat je bagi dapat berkat" I took a really deep breath and I did. My priority changed during that time. Studying comes second and I would only do it if I had the time and energy. Pffttt! Excuses after excuses. Basically, all I did for the first two weeks was entertaining my grandmother who loves to go out for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. Sometimes, it would just be the two of us going out for breakfast and lunch. Sometimes, Mom would give me time to study and took my grandmother out for tea. Any ways that would fit our timetable. Somehow, it worked. My grandmother can be quite funny sometimes. She would pat the pillows a few times and say "Tido jom, asyik belajar je nak" HAHA I barely touched the books when she was around but when I do, she'd day "Mintak lulus la nak ye, rajin sangat" Hahahahaha funny but that's a doa right there and it came true.

Later, I went back to Shah Alam with a worried heart and empty mind. I had to start from scratch but I had two weeks to study. I was more than thankful for those two weeks. Probably one would say 'Alah, jaga maktok je kot, semua orang jaga kot' but I hardly do so, thus it is not an ordinary act for me. I would say the timing was right. I've heard a saying "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" Fair enough, it is true. My mother was more than happy for that two weeks, to be having her mother around with us. I made her happy that two weeks. In return, I received more than what I bargained for. Probably one would say 'Oh come on, orang lain relax je pass tak kecoh pon' Hahaha okay, mohon faham ni blog sapa. Kahkahkah. Annoying kann.

I am not trying to say that I passed because I took care of my grandmother but it goes beyond that. Of course, those daily visits to the library, helpful friends and seniors made it possible but I really think that it was my parents' blessings that added the extra few points in the exams. At the end of the day, we only have one mother and one father. It took me a while to comprehend that fact. Appreciate them while they are still around and your life will work itself out, miraculously. I love my parents too much ;') for everything. Its the little things in life that counts and sometimes, you can't see it but you can definitely feel it.

This feels like a thank you speech, in a way. Haha. Its more than that. I see it as a reflection ;) For me to improve and refine. 

The 11th day of Ramadhan.

Last year, this time of the year was my favourite time but somehow, it feels different this year. Probably because I am not trying hard enough to be a good servant or maybe because I've been spending too much time hanging out, or more like making up for the lost times I might incur in the future, really near future. Every night before I go to sleep, I question my decision of opting to work this September. No point of me pondering upon the same question over and over again, knowing that I will never be ready for it. Heart feels all over the place, as it wishes to be at home during this blessed month. Not to mention, screwed up sleeping pattern and weird food cravings lately. I take it as a challenge, I should be thankful. Thankful with everything that I have and to sincerely mean it and understand the concept of being thankful. It's more than just saying it, it is something that you will have to fully comprehend.

Going into this particular week, I stepped in with the wrong foot and a wrong turn. I promised a bunch of friends that I'd break fast with them when I should have spent my time with my grandmother. Soon after I left the house, my heart felt reluctant to drive forward but remembering how excited my friends are, I slowly marched on. If I was a good granddaughter, I would have taken a u-turn and at this point of time, I wished I did. I am not complaining nor am I trying to portray a bad image of myself but my grandmother can be a very difficult woman but coming from the same genes, probably I'll be the same when I turn her age, with God's willing. Who knows.. So, my week proceeded as usual with little mishaps happening here and there. It has not been a good week. Here I am, typing something that I regretted which could have been avoided if I were not that stubborn. 

Learning about yourself can be the hardest thing especially when you're learning it from your mistakes. No, I am not being a goody two shoes or something but if there's anything that I believe in during my almost 23 years of living on Earth is that, if you do things with the blessings from your parents, especially your mother, the things that you do gets easier. If there's anything that can make you happy, is when your mother is happy and the way to make your mother happy is if her mother is happy. It's a chain of reaction. There are 7 days in a week and I try to keep that in mind. If I had a bad day, I try to cheer myself up by reminding myself that there are better days ahead. True but the guilt that you carry from previous days doesn't vanish just like that. 

11 days into Ramadhan, I still have 19 days to make up for it. Please the elder ones, may also indirectly please myself. I hate blurting out my regrets, especially when it all boils down to one wrong deed. To avoid this ordeal to occur again in the near future, I should write it down and paste it everywhere. "Remember the golden rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" In other words, I'll get old one day and of course, I want my children and grandchildren to take care of me. But of course, to put aside my grumpy and impatient attitude now would be the ultimate challenge. That's what Ramadhan is for, for you to improve yourself. I think so. 

I hope it's not too late to wish Selamat Berpuasa and have a blessed Ramadhan :)