I read somewhere that things in life can be divided into two; Things I can change and things I can't change. I agree and I should live by this mantra. 

So, last week, my car got broken into in the middle of the night and a few days later, my laptop got stolen at my aunt's house. Bear in mind, the car was smashed in Ampang and my laptop got stolen in Damansara. It's not like the thief had targeted me since the beginning of time. In my case, its just me having all the bad luck in the world, that week but I am glad I am not auditing any company right now, so basically, I am free right now with no urgent documents and such. Everything has been sent to the server but of course, there are a few documents that I need inside. Nevermind.. A police report has been lodged and just by sending in the report to the IT department, they will give me a new one. Alhamdulillah I didn't have to pay for it or anything. My aunt's house got robbed pretty badly. I hope the thieves find peace within themselves, for taking other people's things. People work hard to buy cars, houses, jewelleries and more and I don't know how the thieves can sleep at night knowing that they are living lavishly through other people's hardwork. 

But maybe, the things that were taken were never ours in the first place. I don't know. So maybe the laptop was never mind in the first place? Haha so, this is categorized as things I can't change. I just have to deal with it, patiently. However, I can change the way I look at it. Just be positive about it, I guess. 2012 is ending soon, wrapping the year in a very weird way. Not looking forward to 2013. I will be 24 years old. Old. That's old. Let's make a long post of 2012 shall we?

6 months later..

Last Tuesday, my car got broken into by one or two thieves at roughly about 12 to 6 in the morning. Haha this feels like as if I am writing an essay to be passed up to the English teacher in one hour. I know I am supposed to feel something about this incident but somehow I was quite calm about it. That morning, I woke up when my aunty's bibik shouted 'Min, kereta kamu kena pecah! Kenapa tak bangun lagi?' I obviously woke up late that morning, thinking that I had no work to be done, hence I can go in slightly later than usual. Jumped out of the bed, ran straight to my car without my glasses, pretending like as if I am not blind when in actual fact, everything was in a blurry mode. The window that was smashed was the one at the back, on the left side. I browsed through the car, everything was still at its place. Touch n' Go was there, my perfume was there, my P2 notes was there and my shoes was there as well. So what was missing? My old pink sweater. Perhaps, the burglar felt a bit chilly that night, that he or she needed my Pink sweater to keep him or her warm? Maybe. Or maybe, he or she loves pink? I guess so. I am just glad that nothing valuable when missing, alhamdulillah. My first thought that morning was, "Did I take out my laptop last night?" But of course I did. I love my work so much, that I'd cling to my laptop at all times. Hehe. Okay maybe not. 

The whole house was of course, in a chaotic mode, trying to figure out how did it happen and how to fix my windows. I called my father straight away then he asked me to go to Perodua and get it fixed right away and I did. Luckily it was not that expensive. In about 3 hours, my car got itself a brand new window and after lunch hour, I went to work as usual again and everything went back to normal. Apparently, the insurance will only cover your windscreen but not your side windows. I guess I was calm about it because I know I cannot do much about it. I just have to go fix it and just move on with my life. 

Manic Tuesday.

Keretaku kena pecah. Habis cerita.

14 days of unhappiness.

Is it possible that after 5 years of taking the course, I feel like I'm in the wrong course? 5 freaking years and still counting, still studying the same thing and I can't even understand a thing right now. Exam is in 6 days time and I can't concentrate thinking about work and when I'm working I think about failing the exam. Okay, lets start with one by one. First thing, about work. I don't handle stress well and that's not new but this time around, I'm just so stressed out. Going into my second engagement, I regret saying yes to it because, it is a big engagement. Many things that I need to know, that I need to remember and I am not even doing the big sections! I should have joined a smaller job in a smaller industry. At least, that way probably the pressure is not so high up the sky. I cried twice last week because I was so scared. Don't even ask me what was it that I am scared of, but when the seniors ask me questions that I don't remember doing, my knees will start to go weak and my ears becomes hot. At that point of time, if you were to ask me what is 1+1, I'll probably can't even answer it. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. All these are giving me daily headache, I hate waking up in the morning. I feel like quitting, all the time and I am jot even confirmed yet! Last week, I even googled 'Regret joining audit' and I am glad to say, after browsing through this anonymous blog, I slept happily that night. One of the comments was saying about 'How auditing made me turn to God'. LOL! Too funny! And another one was saying about how he has been working for 1 year and 3 months and still haven't grasped the whole idea of auditing and he has been passing unknown knowledge to his juniors. Hahaha. God, it feels good to know that I am not the only one. Currently, I feel like I am at my lowest point because last week, I screwed up at work. I always go back to the reason why I am there. I am working at an audit firm because I want to learn. I accept the fact that I am super slow, incompetent but I am willing to learn. Learning takes time I guess but, but I swear it doesn't help when the seniors know that you used to be an intern at that same particular company, thinking that you actually have a clue on what you're doing but actually, you still dont'. BUT they are really nice actually. I should thank my lucky stars that they don't mind teaching me from A to Z or maybe they do but oh well, I should just be thankful. But I have short term memories these days that I don't even remember what I learned last week, please don't expect me to remember things I did a year ago. Haih. I soooo need to catch up but at the same time, I shall not let it get to me. I want to quit.... I've been counting the weeks and I have 144 weeks to go. I'm starting to wonder how the hell did I pass my papers all these while and that leads to the ext topic, my exam. S many things to study, so little time. I know I should go and study now but I just can't. Head all over the place. I lost a kilo from all the nervousness that I went through in the past 2 weeks. Imagine in 3 years, how thin will I be.. Pooof! I'm gone.... I'll give it a year.. I just found out that I'm not a tough cookie. I just... I just don't want to be doing things that I don't like... I don't want to wake up on Saturday, hating life because its reaching Monday already because that's how I feel right now....

Sneak peek of the Peak.

I admit defeat. I have to and it only took me 2 months and 6 days to make such announcement. I admit now that it is extremely hard to juggle work, studies and social life. I am so used to saying 'Yes, yes and yes' to all kinds of hang outs with family and friends and I have been learning or more like adapting to the 2 letter word, 'No'. It's either a 'No' or its an 'I don't think I'll make it on time' Pfttt. Actually, I was free up until 2 weeks ago since the new engagement has started. 

One minute you're thinking about the workload, then suddenly, you catch a glimpse of something that will remind you of your exam. Then wait until you go to your client's cubicle to beg for documents and you'll see a picture of them with their family displayed on the desktop and your mind goes 'When are you gonna have THAT displayed on your laptop?' And of course, you will forget about the work AND exam. Hahahaha. Loser.

One thing for sure now, is that I am not fidgety anymore when the clock strikes 5.30pm because I can never go back at that particular time anymore. I will just look at the watch and say 'Oh, its only 5.30pm' and my mind will calculate the hours left before I can go back. Everyday, I wake up with the same thought asking myself why am I doing this when the rest of the housemates are still sleeping and will only wake up at 9am to study. Why did I choose to do this? I can never actually put it down in words. Seeing your housemates sleeping while you have to go to work can be quite depressing actually. 

But I came across this magical thought while I was on my way to go see Breaking Dawn, which by the way I think is really beautiful ;') I love Jacob but Edward and Bella are too sweet. So, back to my magical thought. I was thinking right, if suddenly Jacob asks me to marry him ( HAHAHAHA) I will say 'Yes' in a heartbeat forsho! BUT, I was thinking, will I stop working? And just let him take care of me for the rest of my life? What will I become? A girl who married a freaking hot guy, rich but no dream of mine? So, I figured, I actually want to be at least, successful in my own way. 

In other words, I should not quit although sometimes, I think I really want to. Back to Breaking Dawn, I think I should do a marathon tonight. Watch all the whole Twilight Saga although a loyal reader of mine thinks its utterly stupid. Hey, I like it okay. Haha. Oh, remember how I've always wanted to work in the newsprint or journalism sector? I am actually auditing a company that is involved in that sector. God works miraculously, don't you think? I learn how things operate at a newsprint company but I still get to do what I love to do, both at the same time and one thing that I can say is that, I am glad I chose accounting. Although, I have to admit, auditors/accountants can be really boring at times and oh, nerdy also. 

Sorry to blab on immaterial things. I wish I had better things to write about like holiday trips and such, but as for now, I have none but I'll be on study leave starting from 1st December until my exam date. That should be exciting enough right? Hehe hmm, okay. So the conclusion of this post is that, I don't hate my job but I don't love my job alright? Its in the middle. I like it. I don't cringe in the morning because I don't want to go to work. I don't mind going but it would be better if I can just stay at home and cuddle with my blanket and pillow. The team makes it better actually :) 

RED.

I love how her albums are always coming out in October.

It's like Taylor Swift saying, 

"Hey Jasmin, I decided to make your month extra special. So I'll release my album just a few days before your birthday alright?" 

I can hear her say that. 

So, my reply to her would be,

"Thanks Taylor. You're so sensitive towards my feelings. Your album is basically my diary but somehow, you have the guts to voice it out, you have got the talent to play the guitar and you can sing.

I can only write them down in Microsoft Words, save it as draft in my emails and never did send them anywhere. Hahaha and oh, thank you for the early birthday present! :) 

3 more days to go before the weekends. 

:DDDD

5 more days to go before the RED is released !

One level.

Shocked, puzzled and some pretended like as if my curly hair is still visible :O Those were some of the reactions that I received from my surroundings when they saw me for the last one month. Not to mention those second glances that people gave me, because the first glance did not do justice for them. The eye contact made on the first sight was not sufficient for them to know that was me, they needed the assurance that it was really me. Funny, it really was and it made me wonder how different do I really look like now. Officially, it has been a month and I thought, I might as well give the reasons on why I chose to don the scarf, when in actual fact, no reason should be given. This is a big transition, trust me and I should document this down, in detail. Oh, I've been working for a month too! Weee!

Initially, I thought there would be no big adjustments to be made because I have actually been preparing for this big transition slowly by buying appropriate clothes for the past one year but as I was slowly cleaning out my closet, I realised I was actually really sad to  put aside all my tight-body-hugging t-shirts, my three quarter shorts, my see-through tops, the few dresses that I have and my favourite short black dress. I stared at them for a while before putting them all in one big paper bag. Reality have sunk in, looking from a physical point of view, I just made my life a bit more complicated. Reasons being, I will not be able to go out of the house freely with my boxers and t-shirts to just go to the nearest shop, I will not be able to go out with my see-through tops and shorts and no more putting on short dresses to go out on a Friday night with my cousins to just have fun or to even go on Facetime requires a bit of thinking lately. Should I put on my tudung? When obviously the other party knows how my hair looks like. (Yea, just in case you're reading this. Haha. So have fun staring at the wall. Hehe) To just decide whether I want to go to the beach was also a difficult decision to be made.  I wonder what are the limited perimeters that I am compounded to? Simple questions, made difficult. I had to think about all of these questions because they are important to me. I am still not in the position where I feel like if there's a boy, then I should cover my head. Instead, it feels like 'Hey, I am going out of the house, I should cover my head, just because it feels right to do so'. Perhaps, the feelings will grow on me slowly or more like, the tudung will grow with me. It's quite complicated...

BUT

If there is any stand that I hold on to, in order to make all these seem easy, it would be this,

"If you take one step closer to Allah, He will take 10 steps towards you"

Because it is true. 

When people asked me why I made such decision, I gave them the easiest answer. “My father gave me the cue already” Truth be told, my father had given me the cue a long time ago but of course, I took it lightly. I was not ready physically and mentally. My mother was not very supportive of my father’s decision because she did not want me to do it out of enforcement from them. It was not because she was condoning my actions and rights, but because she’s afraid it might back fire them and in the end, they’ll be hurt. I promised myself that I will wear it when I am ready. When will I be ready? I will never be ready unless I force myself to be ready. A while ago someone asked me, if a guy that I like asked me to wear it, will I wear it? I said no. It is not because of ego but I will do it for myself on my own terms and of course, because of God, not because of another boy. If he loves me enough, he'll accept me whichever way that I may go.

101 reasons can be listed on why I made this decision but some shall be kept to me. The event that became the starting point of it all was during my flight back to Malaysia, from Korea. I wrote it a while ago in here. Of course, I still remember how the incident happened vividly. When someone asked you what is your religion, it feels like they just slapped you with the biggest brick ever existed in the world but of course, it didn't help much with the fact that I was wearing shorts with a hoodie and I had to recite Al-Fatihah to him, just to prove to him that I am a Muslim. In the first place, I did not need to prove to him that I am a Muslim but having to explain to him that I was one was embarrassing and it showed ignorance from my end. It made me think hard, it made me think deep. At least, that was how I felt at that time. Probably it was the way that I carry myself as well. I don't want to be the person that seeks for Him, only when I am in trouble and forget about Him, when I am free and happy. Plus, the five funerals that I went to, in six months left a big impact in my mind. Life is short. Life is short. Life is short.    

For every time I am in a dilemma on how to face a situation on what to wear and such, somehow there will always be a solution to it at the nick of time. Life is actually really simple, if you don't complicate them. Just because I started wearing tudung, does not mean I just started praying and just because I started wearing tudung, I will start preaching like I know everything.  Nope. I am still me, the girl that you will find laughing loudly at the corner while she's eating her roti canai, playing with her phone and gushing about Ashton Kutcher :)

October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.  October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here. October is here.

So, you get the message ?

The month of October is here.

I owe this blog a post.

A post on 'Why?'.

Just so you know, today is the 6th of October already.

Time is not flying anymore.

Time is somehow disappearing and appearing.

I can barely catch it.

I am not complaining, because probably then, four years will go by in a blink of an eye.

It's October, dude.

Motivation.

One hour is approximately the amount of time needed for me to travel to work in the morning, with bad traffics and toll in between. In those precious 60 minutes, I will apply my lip balm for 13 times, listen to Justin Bieber's song back to back, play with my phone, eat my breakfast, take pictures, curse and of course, look around and think. It does not take much for you to think, as you'll look around your surroundings and there will be other drivers in the next car, yawning and eating. Probably they are late for a meeting, probably they are tired, probably they are eager to go to work, just like you! Maybe. Every reason seems valid.

But the one thing that made me ponder hard is, "What is their motivation to wake up in the morning?" and maybe, you'll ask the same question, "What is my motivation to wake up in the morning, every single day?" It seems impossible for it to be put down in words. I have no idea what is my motivation for me to be waking up in the morning, take a cold shower, put on my clothes and start the engine. For some parents, maybe the objective is clearer, where they would think about providing the best for their children, hence the solid motivation. Bills you need to pay, food to be put on the table and things your child will ask for. For some, working to support the family as they may be the sole breadwinner in the family. For some, working in order to support their dreams. Perhaps to travel the world, buy a new car, saving up for a house, and such. For the motivation to be absolute and concrete, its easier. You can say, I think about my dream house and my eyes are awake but if your motivation is more abstract, then its a whole different concept. 

I wonder what is my motivation for me to even work, when most of my friends are still studying. I reckon I have that competitive side of me, where I don't want to be left out. Life would be so much easier if I can wake up at 10am, take a hot shower and get ready for class at 2pm. I should set some life goals, so that I can easily get up in the morning and go to work with a smile. Actually, now that I am going into my 7th day, it's not that bad actually. The auditing and accounting concepts are easier to grasp these days because of the experience that I have, maybe. Friends talk in a common language that everyone understands. A few good looking guys here and there. It's not that bad, I suppose. At the end of the day, work is still work, anywhere. People do not recognize me these days and I'm loving it. 

One thing that I notice is, if I were to put my dreams and goals on this blog, it'll come true. Somehow, it acts like my wishlist and when I see it being put up here, I see it as a promise that I have made to myself and if I were to go against my own promise to myself, then it seems a bit odd now, isn't it? Oh suddenly the pressure is up!! So, here it goes. My first goal has to be realistic isn't it? 

1. Find Ashton Kutcher. Yes, find because he will not just appear if you don't come up with a master plan on how to see him. Find him. 

2. Finish your professional papers. No time limit. Just finish them. Looking at the situation now, I may take forever!

3. Get married when you reach 26 years old. Or 27 years old. Or 28 years old. Okay seriously for this one. No time limit. HAHAHAHA.

4. Move out and get a place in the middle of the city, not Shah Alam.

5. Don't quit your first job until you think your resume will be attractive enough for you to find another job. 

6. Start paying for your car. I will, I will!

7. Save up for AMERICA! 

8. Find Ashton Kutcher!  

9. Start running, or more like, go for a jog if you get to reach home when the sun is still up. 

10. Stop biting your nails, Jasmin Anis. You're turning 23 soon. (Almost there)

11. Mom said I have got to stop being picky when it comes to finding the right one. Seriously??

12. Open your own dessert shop!

13. Buy Taylor Swift's album when it comes out. 

14. Don't skip your weekly class!!!

15. Pakai tudung. Okay dah!  (Easiest thing to decide but hardest thing to execute)

Daily view. 

Life will be exciting again. Soon. 

Work.

Growing up, I have always wanted to work in a big building. I fancy those corporate look. Lifts that go up till 30 storeys high, people with black, grey and white attires going in and out of the building while holding their cups of coffee and numerous files. That was what I had envisioned through out my life. Fair enough, I got what I wanted but it is definitely more than that. There are 6 lifts that fly up till nth storeys but the company that I am working for stops at the 15th floor. There's a coffee shop situated there for people to have small discussions, meetings and quick lunches. The files that they carry with them contain valuable information that if those files went missing, their life would turn upside down. 

I am only going into my 5th day of my career life as of tomorrow but since I did my internship here, I know how things go down here. It is so weird that I am back here again because I don't recall being happy during my 6 months internship. I felt small, I felt intimidated and I felt stupid but because of those reasons, I made up my mind to apply back here with hopes, I can be better, improve my knowledge and not feel small, intimidated and stupid, again. I went in again, with flashbacks of not-so-fond-memories. 

I have no idea how long will I survive this time around, but I am extremely curious. The ones that are crazy, funny and want a normal life have left the company. I think I belong to those group but people around me have been telling me that once I get passed by the 3 years, I can quit and get my life back but come to think of it, 3 years is a long time. Hmmm. I'll take it as a challenge. So my daily challenge now is to wake up at 6 in the morning and be at the big fancy office by 8.30pm. Alright, challenge accepted...