Better to be the sensitive October baby than to be the ignorant and oblivious December baby.

Clearly, I have been a very angry person this year, by default.  I don't think I should justify why but perhaps, it will help if I can break it down and find the root of it all. 

Earlier this year, a really close friend of mine got married and I lost my dear friend to her husband. Its not nice for me to say this but in all honesty, this was what I felt right after they got married. I have attachment issues, I know but that was how our friendship works. Being in each other's lives constantly. If she is depressed back then, she will suddenly appear at my office at around 6pm for a chat and a hug. If I am depressed, we will go for a quick dinner, coffee and dessert and I will run back to the office to pull a late nighter. I was used to that, then came the husband. I don't hate him but I guess, I just hate how after being married, she disappeared from my life, like poooof, instantly. Nowadays, there's only phone calls to fill in the gaps when the husband is not around, or at least that's how I feel and I will still pick up and always be there because in my mind, take whatever time that you get. You cannot get rid of the husband but you can still find some time with her. So, that's what I did but now, I feel like things just got worse. Every time that we go out, I have to gauge her mood. I used to look forward to going out with my girlfriends and now, I don't really feel it. If I promise at 8.30, maybe I'll be there at around 9.15, because I will come back with a heartache, rather than a happy heart. I truly felt like I lost a dear friend and because of that, I am an angry person. I thought by getting married, you gained something but for me, I've lost something. Bitter, I really am. 

In the middle of the year, we all found out that my mom had cancer. It was all a blur at that moment, if it was breast cancer stage 1 or stage 2, but still, it was hard to swallow and digest that my mom had cancer. You hear that other people has cancer and you thought that it will never happen to you, then it happened to you and you don't know how to react to it. All is good now, my mom has recovered 99%. There will always be that 1% of it re-occurring again. At that moment, you realised that all you have is God and all you can do is pray that you get to see a better day every day. So, two days ago, someone texted me in the morning, asking me if I was free for breakfast since he was just around the corner. I replied nicely, saying that I was already on my way to work since it was already 8.45 am on a Thursday and maybe you can just drop by the house some other time, bring along your wife and kid, my house is always open for guests. After all, we are all Malaysian and Muslim. Just drop by anytime, the house is always open. Then that person replied with a funny sarcastic tone, that only after a year plus of being married to my friend, then only I have invited them to the house, which shows Kedah hospitality. Bull. I am already bitter, do not add to my bitterness. So here I am thinking, when my mom was sick, you guys didn't make any effort to come and visit anyway and my mom was at the hospital. The door is always open. You wife gave birth, I was there all along. Actually, only two friends came and visited my mom at the hospital, not that I am counting but yeah. One day after my mom got out of her operation, I was forced to go to a friend's engagement, because she wanted to play a match maker there (Failed). I went there, leaving my mom at the hospital, with a heavy heart. Its nice to go to your friend's engagement and be happy for them, but in return, you realised that you don't really have a nice friend after all. Nope, my friend didn't visit my mom after that. It's all about being merry and jolly when it is not. It was then that I made up my mind that we should not be family members, in any way possible. Jodoh is not confirmed but death is. 

Throughout the whole year, I learned a lot about myself and how I realised that my happiness is not equivalent to having a higher post, having a better car, dating someone with a continental car, going out with someone who has a stable job. It was more than that. It was a roller coaster year; started off getting close to someone that I was not supposed to, had the craziest most intense chemistry ever, even being in the filing room together felt like a crime. 

Then it went on to me, realizing that I was still in love with the same old guy (he just texted, as I am typing now), abandoned him in March, totally ignored him the whole entire time by not replying his calls or messages until probably, in June, when he finally called and asked if I am angry at him. I was. I really was angry at that time but as time goes on, my wound got healed. I wasn't anymore. he texted again in October and I guess, we just picked up from where we left. Its so much better now and I am very sure that I don't love him anymore. Someone told me something along the lines of 'If I can't hang out with him, then probably because the feeling is still there, but since I can hang out with him, then maybe it is true that I don't like him anymore'. It felt like I got my closure this time around. 

I just do not want to settle down, just because.

These are only the very few things as to why I am bitter. A lot more. Like how Bear didn't wish me on my birthday but called me up few days later, asking me to pick him up somewhere because he was stranded. Of course I didn't pick him up. Petty childish stuff, but I am an October baby, so I am sensitive liddat. Our friendship has always been weird and volatile back then but never have we missed each other's birthday and this year, we have been talking on good terms. I deserved better than this from him. 

I guess I should learn how to be ignorant and just pick up and only notice the important thing in life. 

It will be a better year next year. I promised. 

Mental war.

“Do not regret a war that has matured you.”

Mental and emotional war that I have been facing with my surroundings. Its a tougher war when you're facing with your own demon self. When your heart says A and your head says B. When your right hand goes to the right side and your left hand goes the other way. When your body can only take so much and your brain keeps on pushing because its all a mental game. 

I used to love coming home, for a short nap, for a spring clean and for a nice bath but now, it feels like I prefer to be out for odd reasons. Even breathing at home, feels like a crime right now. Wishing that I can just drop everything and go off for a holiday, but I remember that with age, comes responsibility. 

Ranting time. 

In a period of less than 30 days, I have never been more puzzled, confused and sad at the same time and actually, it all happened in 7 days. All before I turn 26 this year and the only thing I can remember praying for before turning 26 is that, I want to go to Spain and I want to get married when I hit 26. Spain will happen next year, in sha Allah but the latter one, I have no clue. 

I know that I am not rushing to get married because if I am, probably right now I wouldn't be jotting this down, I will be out having breakfast with my future husband but no, my heart got a hold of things and told my head that this is not it. 

I don't think it is fair for me to just settle down, just for the sake of settling down. What does settling down means anyway? Settle for just about anyone, even when you feel like you deserve better? I am not going against jodoh, nor can I do so but everyone kept on saying that if the right person comes, I would know and I would bring down all the walls I have inside me and meet him half way. I tore down a few walls and I created one small bridge but it felt like I was alone at that bridge and it was at that point that I decided, I deserve more. 

Wish I could have things sorted out by now but I don't. Then came my stupidest decision, to reconcile back with someone that I shouldn't have in the same week. I shouldn't have and I know that. 

Remember why you did it.

Of course I do. Here's the reason why; I wanted to give my father his bragging rights for all that he has done and sacrificed.

why dont i feel like writing anything when i have tonnes to say?

2015

31 days into the new year, I realised that I have not written anything this year. I have not documented anything here, at all. Peak period bug as always come every January nowadays. God knows when I will be able to stop but at this point, I can't just stop half way. I sure do hope to see some light at the end of the tunnel. 

How is my year so far, you may ask? And I can say that this 31 days have been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride. Its 1 am and I am still up, doing my work. I wish there is a pause button where I can press and the world will stop moving for a while but I do not have that privilege. Life goes on, as always. 

I started my year, wrongly. That's how I feel. Wrong move, at the wrong time but slowly, time is healing itself. 

Home, as always.

6 years later, I visited the same exact place but one thing that hit me, I don't remember a thing. I knew I have been to the same place,  I knew I am walking back to the same street, I knew I had ice cream from the same ice cream parlor but heck, I do not remember a single thing that happened. The power of blocking those memories, I reckon. If there is something that I have learned from having my heart broken is that; I have mastered the art of blocking memories, be it bad or good. It is much more easier to not remember anything, rather than being sad about not being able to relive those good memories again and being even more sad thinking about having to endure those painful ones. 

I remember my Houston trip, step by step. I remember my London trip, each one of them. I remember my LA trip, every step of the way but I don't remember this one trip because my mind and my heart stayed back. It stayed with that one person that still feels like home, even until today. The only one that can make me write long sappy posts. He makes the one that came after, look like a temporary plaster. 

I don't know what I want, but I know I have never wanted anything more than this. 

Favourite piece of the trip.

Terapung.

Never have I imagined that it will be this way, years later, but not that I have not been imagining it further during the earlier years. I did think about it before and I am still thinking about it, now but things are getting out of hand, I am slowly letting it go. Today is such a random day, I decided to turn my head to the left and suddenly, I saw you driving off at the traffic light. What are the odds? I don't even want to count the possibilities of it happening but I think I shall just count my blessings. I picked up the phone and called you straight away, just for a simple confirmation that it was really you driving the car. So, it was really you. I asked you out for breakfast but you politely declined, saying that you were rushing for something, we will meet up for lunch or tea later in the evening. True enough, you called a few hours later and we did meet up for lunch. In those few hours, I have been trying to figure out if this is a sign from above, some kind of divine intervention that I should be happy about or just some kind of coincidence that usually happened? I can just casually bump into people, into anyone but no, I have to bump into you. Life is strange. So, we talked for hours and I did ask you, "Bila last kita lepak macam ni eh?" Your classic answer "Dah lama gila tak lepak macam ni," Yea, it has been a while. I have no idea what is in store for us. I have no clue, as to why the ship is still floating. 

Frozen

Thank God for the existence of Fox movies or else, I will not watch Frozen, despite listening to the songs for the millionth time, everyday! Such a simple movie, with an overplayed song, with a simple message at the end of it, "Love is to put someone else's happiness ahead of yours,". Out of all the days, trust me, that message seemed like the perfect ending to today. 

I came back to Alor Star this round, to clear my mind before another round of final audit starts. I've been warned to get a good break since I might have to juggle two final audits at one time. I have no idea how is that going to happen but until the time comes, I shall just breathe like a normal human being. Anyway, the reason I came back is to be there for my mom since my dad went to visit my brother in Maldives and also, I wanted to find myself again and no other better place to do so, then here, in Alor Star. "To find myself again" sounds like I've been lost all these while, and if you have been talking to me in real life, probably you would understand what I mean. Literally, I am lost in wonderland. 

And its just weird, unusual and strange that I might have found myself again at the traffic light? Hahaha nonsense talk right here. Not really, its just that I can't really reveal but damn, what are the odds of it happening every time that I come home?

Goal.

Reaching a quarter of a century; I think I have lost myself, almost completely. Part of me blames my choice of career, part of me blames my choice of man, part of me blames my attitude and part of me wishes that the cause of it, is just one reason when I know, it is not. It is an accumulation of above all. People around me know, I enjoy spring cleaning and I don't do that anymore. That kind of satisfaction that I get from holding a broom, or a cloth to wipe all the dusts; I don't feel that anymore. I used to read story books and get lost in those fairy tales; I don't read that anymore. I run or more like, walk in the morning sometimes, but I don't do it anymore. Work sucks all the energy and truly, it doesn't give that kind of satisfaction. Wait, let me clear things up first. I don't hate my job. I love the people that I am working with, they push me forward, they build me up and they support me but the job sucks the energy out of you and gives you unnecessary stress. I want to stop, I really do but I have always envied those people that managed to complete their three years, while having fun. I want to complete my three years. I really do, but my heart feels heavy now when my favourite person in the firm is leaving. Will I be able to survive? I truly hope so. Anyway, since the job sucks the energy out of you, all the extra time that you have will be spent to replenish those energy, which means you will sleep like as if there is no tomorrow. Your room can look like a rat's place but you don't give two hoots. 'Your sleeping time can't be compromised', that is what you think but in actual fact, you're compromising your youth. I wish I have other things going on in my life, so that I don't feel like such a loser.

Hence, that's why I am resorting back to writing. I should make sure that my room is always clean now and I should care more about my studies. 

Oh, it would have been so much easier if all of these are because of one absolute reason; being heartbroken. At least I can just point it out to just one main reason but it is not. Its your loss for not being the better man, that I have always hoped you will be. I guess, the three words remain; life goes on. Really. 

You go back to do things that once made you happy. You find that thing that will always define who you are. You do the things that can make you smile. You can't always go back but you can always move forward. 

I have a few days break now, for me to find some peace in life before the crazy life starts again in mid September and at that time, I will be alone and literally, alone and I hope I will be strong enough to do it without having anyone to hold my hand. 

And I hope, I will find myself again.