#X

I cringe a little when the letter X is next in line and I ponder why did I start this alphabet posts because it is so hard to come up with a suitable word that starts with X. Haha but not to worry, I managed to recall a conversation that I had with my friends while we had a mini durian feast at Liyana's house. I like the tiny ones with thin layer of durians in it. My favourite! Anyway, while we were eating the magical fruit and burping its wonderful smell, someone mentioned about the 'X-Factor' game, which was a phenomenon 10 years ago. Or has it been more than 10 years of less? At one point, I was glued to the television because the show is somehow addictive. If one person can make it through one physical activity, then a high threshold has been set. Everyone else should be able to do it too because it seems feasible. 

It is only normal that when you're watching the game, you immerse yourself into the game, fantasically.  If that was you in that position, would you have done it? Let's say the challenge is to walk on a rope across 2 building that is 30 floors up, would you? I would not. I could not. I fear of heights. There was this one time when we all went to Genting Highland and I found myself curious about the long queue for Solero Shots, so I joined the crowd. Little did I know that this ride was one that challenges the gravity as it shoots you up in the sky. In those naive moments, I had no idea what it was and the clever little me picked the wrong seat. I placed my self on a seat where I can see the whole of Genting and some parts of KL. Defying the gravity, I should have never done that. If its not cool to be afraid of the heights, then so be it. I don't want to be cool. Haha

Hence, every single time that I watch the show most of the words that are played in my mind would be "Nope, I don't think I can do that" but that's the thing, I have not tried them. So, how do I know that I will not be able to actually do it? If I can survive Solero Shot, sure I can get passed anything right? And the other day, I had an intense conversation with a friend about her job offer, in Singapore. The dialogue started with a question asking me "Would I accept the offer if I were given the opportunity?" Part of me said no and the other half would have said yes. In those moments, I realized that I didn't apply for such things because I did not want to be put through such situations where I will be torn. I didn't apply to go abroad because I didn't want to have any options. I thought by being specific with what you want in life would be easier but gosh, I don't know what I want in life. 

All I know is I want to be the right path where life would be be bearable and not all miserable. At some point in life I thought about the chances I didn't take more that the ones that I have taken. If I had taken that path, how will life turn about? And because of the path that I have taken, it led me here. After seating for my first ACCA paper, I think I did the right choice by wanting to work because if I were to fail my paper (InsyaAllah I wil not) perhaps I can start picking up on the experience. Well, that is one way to look at it. If I didn't do it, then I will always wonder whether will I be able to work and study at the same time? Its not that I want to do it but sure I am curious a bit. 

Long essay I have written here, I need to let it out. Haha. Oh, X-Factor. When I like someone I will always think about why do I like him or have a crush on him? Then the same thing will appear, its the thick eyebrows. Haha is that one of the x-factor? But when you like someone for no reason, thin eyebrows also can :P

#W

There are days that you do not feel like talking, and there are days that you feel like you can talk nonstop, even when the time stops, you can still talk.

There are days where you feel so low, you might think that you have hit rock bottom, and there are days that you feel so high, its either you have had too much of caffeine or some puffs of weeds.

There are days when you know you miss that someone so badly, you feel like walking to their house and just hug them, and there are days when you feel like "I don't know you, why should we see each other?"

There are days where you do not even know what is the purpose of you living on this holy Earth, and there are days where you see the people that you love around you and you found the purpose of it.

There are days where everything gets so blurry, you might have thought that your vision is badly impaired, and there are days where everything is so clear, it is crystal clear.

There are days that you just feel angry, you start to blame the cat for its existence, and there are days where you just feel happy and excited like you have just been asked for your hand in marriage.

There are days where you just want to curl in your bed all day and night long, not move an inch, and there are days where you just want to go out and move forward.

There are days when you just miss a random place that you have been before, secretly wishing that you are transported to that place, and there are days when you are just thankful with the place that you are living in at the time.

There are days ( a lot of these days ) when you feel so lazy, you can barely touch any books because you just do not feel like doing so and there are days ( less of it ) when you feel like "Okay, 10 chapters at one go, TODAY" ( Never )

To be that motivated might never be the case for me but this time around, I have got to stop fooling around. Of course I want to pass my paper but at this point, the want changes into the need. So, let me rephrase the sentence. I need to pass my paper.  For it to be underlined, bold and italicized, I hope the message is rather clear.

I am trying to find a few days where, my WILLPOWER overrides my laziness and with God's willing, I shall pass the paper.

And today, I think I did :)

#V

I am so careless, I deserve a tight slap on my face. Haha no, seriously. This past week, I have been signing documents and agreements without reading it first. So much for being a student studying professional courses. Pfttt! Read Jasmin Anis. Read what is on the paper. Do not just read things in between the line. Read what is clearly infront of you. Read to enhance your knowledge. Read to understand the gist of it. Read in order to understand the mechanism of something. Read, just because. Okay, I get it. Just read then. I always go through such thing, then to make my self feel better, I will create a story behind it. In this case of my own nightmare, I am trying to conclude that perhaps God wants me to find other jobs with a work life balanced. Ha ha ha. See, how I twist my own mind to make it seem like itS is okay. Sick, I am. Careless, very. I am in a very vulnerable state. Tskkkk. Not. Just a bit cuckoo.

No title.

"To fight against what I'm feeling, that's tolerable but to fight against what is written, that's impossible."


I go weak every single time I see this quote. My heart explodes. My mind goes blank. Present tense, because it happens a lot. My feelings for you; they fluctuate. 

#U

My heart aches a bit as I am typing this, as the alphabet U makes it appearance at a very special time. U stands for university, the place where I learned a lot about myself, the place where I ventured into things that I never knew I could and basically, the place where I discovered I could do wonders with the ability and capability that I had within me. As of 30th of June, it marks the fifth year that I'll be in Shah Alam. My mother and my brother sent me off at Kolej Mawar, during the orientation week, as I was about to embark on a new journey. Cewah! But true enough, it really was an adventure. 

After 5 years, I learned that I like accounting. The word like is being emphasized here, because I like accounting. I can do it quite well, if I work hard for it but I don't love it. It is not my passion but fair enough, I like it. It has come to my realization that I can never do engineering, never in a million years. To be a lawyer seems alright, until it hits me that I have to be good with my presentation skills. I can talk, but not facts, but crap. To venture into architecture would be out of the question because I can hardly draw a box. So, you get the whole picture. After minimizing the options, accounting seems.. just.. I guess.. But I like it..

After 5 years, I learned a thing or two about friendship, in terms of being one, or just how to look out for one. To be a friend is all about reciprocating and sometimes, it is just about being there. At certain level, the amount that is given and taken, must be equal but it doesn't hurt if you give more. You may never know when you will get the extra perks of going the extra mile for a friend. 

After 5 years, I learned the habits that tick me off easily and the little things that can make me happy. As weird as it sounds, I have to hold the broom every day. I am not making this up, to show to the world that I am the housewife material or such but a few housemates can provide you with testimonials. Haha. It ticks me off that the things that can make me happy is actually when the floor is swept. Ironic. A day is complete when the I've finally made some kind of communication with the broom. On certain special days, the mop makes it special appearance. I have to say, this is the way that my mother has nurtured me and trust me, my future daughter will be going through the same thing :) 

After 5 years, I grew up and it hits me that I am no longer the 18 year old kid, who is still naive about the surroundings, thinking that the world will welcome you with a red carpet outside the gate, with your prince charming holding a bouquet of flowers during your graduation. Scratch the dreams, life is what you make out of it. My convocation is on Sunday and I just received my offer letter to start off my first job. Scary, yes it is. I didn't expect time to pass by this fast but it did. To prove that I have grown up this past 5 years, I will embrace the next chapter of my life with lots of prayers, commitment and a smile. I know what I am getting myself into, I have seen it and yet I agreed to do it. 

After 5 years, I am still the same girl holding the same values, with the same kind of wild thoughts. This blog has seen it all. My university life may not be as interesting or exciting as others but I guess it is sufficient enough for me to look back and say 'I'm glad I took this road'. Friends I made along the way are the friends that always brings out the best in me, places I have been along the way are the ones that I have always wanted to go and the memories that are created are great enough for me to remember forever. And... after 5 years, I can say that I am extremely, passionately and super loyal. HAHAHA. 

After 5 years... Great.... I feel like I just locked myself in a jail cell.....
Good luck in all your future undertakings, Jasmin Anis.
Here's to a few steps before the real world eats you up!

#T

There was this one point in time, where I was certain with what I want. Pushing aside my needs, I focused more on what I want. There was this one point if life, when everything is so clear and vivid, it feels like I could touch it with my own bare hands, but dreams remain to be only dreams if you don't convert it into reality. There's this one phrase that I can't quite comprehend, 'We are seperated for the reason of God' or something like that. I truly don't freaking understand this. Anyone care to explain? There was this one time, where I've truly forgotten what it feels like, and yesterday someone and some event made that feelings rushed back and all I could utter quietly was ' Oh, I forgot how it feels like and I'm not quite sure if its a good thing' Vague, is not even the word for it. More like vanished. I've always thought that it is me who will be holding the trophy at the finishing line but looking at it now, I hope I'll be able to even make it to even make it to the finishing line. This is a straight approach that I'm taking here. No turna or no breaks in between.

#T

They say, time will heal everything. I surrender, I have no idea what this phrase means. Its there, quite clear but what does it mean? If time stops, we will still  move forward isn't it? Or maybe if the time stops, the world will end? Such a simple phrase, with its deepest meaning. I don't understand because it's been 5 years and my heart is still at it. Time moves forward, my feelings are as stagnant as ever. Perhaps I am just being stubborn. Maybe.

Time, is something that I wish we can get a hold on. 24 hours a days seems like such a long time, when you're doing nothing but it seems like the shortest amount of time when you've got a lot on your plate. There are moments in life, where you wish you could travel back in time, to change one simple thing, or two, maybe. Of course, but its the decisions, mistakes and choices that you have made in the past that defines who you are now. 

Sometimes, when you have too much free time, your life becomes unproductive. I'm the living proof of it. I became obsessed with....sweeping and mopping.. As much as it sounds legit, its a waste if time. You know why, because I've got too much time. How many times can you sweep and mop in a day? Pfttt! This Thursday, I've got an interview and the funniest thing happened when I got the phone call. It is our exam week now and since we are only sitting for one paper, the rest of the week is counted as a holiday for us. So, I decided to go back to Alorstar, as usual :) I arrived at 4.30 in the morning and being the normal human being that I am, I slept in till 10 in the morning. A phone call by this company woke me up and I answered with a fake fresh voice, I had to. Hehe. Then, I sounded too confused, I guess that the HR person said, 'Wake up, Jasmin' Ooooh, snap. I just got caught. Timing people, timing. Haha. 

Haih, the time was 10 in the morning, I bet the person that called me thinks I am doing nothing at home, been waking up after 11am since I graduated. I don't know whether I am ready for it or not, but if I don't start now, then when should I start? TIME WILL TELL. Heeee :D

PS : I just told my mom that I want to get married in Alor Star, not in Bangi. Mom said I've got 2 years to go. Must. Find. A. Husband. Now. Now. Now. I am short of TIME. Hahaha!

When you have all the free time in the world.......

And oh, welcome May.

#S

Got ambushed when I reached home, got attacked with disturbing words. 

After all the efforts that I've put in, trying to adjust to this new surroundings, 

I think my limit has been exceeded. 

Its so weird that when you think that you've reached an age of maturity, 

your environment acts like they are 16 years old.

This is not a place for me to start dissing anyone,

but this is a heartfelt post, where I feel like my voice will be heard here.

It felt like I was being invaded, I had no choice.

Every step I take is being watched, I can hardly breathe. 

So, I prefer to stay silent because if I ever let it out, I'm afraid my words might be hurtful

and maybe, my act afterward may never be able to compensate it. 

#R

Random, most of the time, we all are.
Random, most of the time, we go to places we have never been before.
Random, most of the time, we wonder about what could have been.
Random, most of the time, we question if we've given enough for us to receive that much?
Random, most of the time, we forget where we came from.

This is random, heck it is.

Randomly, it hit me.
What if I had taken the extra mile, to just go a little further, in achieving what I want?
Anything random in particular.
Just anything, perhaps something so significant, so important to me at that particular moment.
What if I had swallowed my pride & ego to just tell you the truth on that particular night?
After all, no one choked from eating up their own ego.
What if I had just studied more and try my best to increase my CGPA during my Degree?
After all, no one died from studying too much.
What if I had stopped eating pancakes and nutella so much when I was in Form 2?
Perhaps, I'll be much smaller now.

You know what, after what I just wrote it is quite obvious what is important to me.
Someone said, just by reading someone else's blog, you can interpret that person
and the same someone said, I am someone who needs to be read in between the line.
I guess so.

As you grow older, the little things that used to be trivial mean the most.
Things that cannot be explained in words but as you mature with time,
a person tend to be more observant and meticulous.

You know why I am being melodramatic today?
I visited a friend who just delivered a cute baby yesterday.
It is such a warm feeling for someone to be calling you a mom isn't it?
And the friend that is watching, which is me and the other 16 or 17 of us, can't help it but feel a tad too old.

And, I went to Petrosains for the first time, ever.
It was one hell of a RANDOM trip!
KLCC can be called my fourth home, after Alor Star, Ampang and Shah Alam
and yet, I was too ignorant to enter into the magical space of science.
Having a set of wacko and on the go friends helped :)
See, I felt like I skipped a bit of my childhood and at 23 years old, I had to find a way to recover it.
Thank God I did, and not when I have reached 43 years old or more. Hehe

Random much?
I am trying to bite my nails now and other than that, I, hereby, promise to go the extra mile in everything that I do. I am done, wishing, thinking and hopelessly playing those stupid imaginary conversation in my head about anything. Anything.

While the Sultan was being installed as the 14th Yang Dipertuan Agong of Malaysia,
we learned about science :)


Credit to Qaila, for the picture taken.

#Q

It should have been an exciting day, as it was a day filled with events with family and friends. From the moment I opened my eyes, I had friends to wake me up. Mind you, I am not one of those girls who wake up with the brightest smile on her face, I am one of those girls who need time to warm up in the morning but still, on that one particular day, the sun was shining a bit brighter and I had interesting things to wake up to. If I were to put things in sequence, the first person to cheer me up was perhaps, my classmates/coursemates/housemates because we sang to Demi Lovato's song in the car, pretending that we were in the karaoke box. It was just like any other car ride to class, but somehow "Give Your Heart A Break" seems like a good anthem these days. Secondly, Hilary Duff finally uploaded Luca's pictures after 14 days of torture. He looks like her. A boy version of Hilary Duff. Thirdly, my group which consisted of three people, managed to escape from presenting on that particular day. As much as I'd like to get it over and done with, I still wasn't in the mood to present as it was quite awkward to be presenting in class, after so long. Fourthly, I had a good 2 hour nap after class.  A nap that can be categorized as a power nap. Hmmm. 2 hours, it should have been powerful isn't it? Later, I had lunch. A short lunch with someone that should have been the person that could make or break my day. Surprisingly, I still was not excited after that. I came back home, opened my laptop and started applying for jobs. Why did I fill up for jobs application? It was because I'd rather do that, than starting to flip the books in front of me. I was looking for excuses, reason to not touch those black and white pages. Next, I finally started to browse through the pages and I found strength to look into the Agency relationship between the principal and the agent. Funny how I've been studying this topic since last year but every single time that I read it, I'd still get confused. Weird. Then, it was dinner time with the cousins. When it comes to dinner with family, I've embedded my brains with little mental notes. For example, dinner will always start late, no matter how early everyone has promised to be there. Minor factors, like TRAFFIC and KABUTNESS of everyone should have been included while planning. Nonetheless, dinner with the cousins will always be entertaining and anything swallowed, will make my tummy smile :) And then, we had a coffee session and I went back home. 

This day should have been an exciting day, because just by looking at the 'itinerary' of my day, I am exhausted but I was not. Thankful for the day, I really am but somehow, the day went by so quietly, I was still looking for some kind of sparks, because I spent time with the most important people in my life on this specific day but somehow, something did not click. It feels like it was one of those days where it feels really empty and quiet. I was bored, even just by looking at you. It was weird. Yes, perhaps, it really was one of those quiet days.