Looking for that thing, that you took while you went away.

My heart is all over the place tonight. All over, literally. My brain left me 3 days ago, it went back to Kedah while my body is still in Shah Alam.

I went to Petronas to check on whether there are any available tickets left for me to go back to Kedah but luck was not on my side, because the school holiday is coming up. Taking the flight is neither an option now because its just impossible to get the seat.

I am trying to cheer myself up. Looking for ways and tonight, everything seems wrong. WRONG.

I hate this feeling.

Big Flop.

I wanted to start off this post with a peribahasa, I don't know which one is suitable but the meaning that I have in mind is like "......... memakan diri sendiri," Make sense? It's okay, let me re-cap what I've written a while back. Remember that time when I said I asked my manager about the debit credit question? So, I suppose that was not a good thing. No, I don't suppose so, but now, I know so. I thought, by asking, then I can avoid any kind of mistakes because you see, this is real life problems with the firm's prestigous name on the line and this is not just for exam purposes. If it was for my financial accounting paper, trust me, I'd leave the questions alone but I can't do such things. Responsibility has been passed to me, I ought to the thing that I have been asked, properly. So, to ensure that I get it done, correctly, I asked. Yes, I do think that I asked stupid questions sometimes but I have learned to certain extent, you'd rather look stupid than to make mistakes, that might not or cannot be amended later.

Sounds like I am angry, or maybe not satisfied, perhaps I am but I know my own capabilities. I know that I don't know much. I know and that's why I am there with the post of a Vacation Trainee, not an Associate. I am there to learn and develop skills. Like I said, manage your expectations. AND, how do you know I'm not willing to learn? Big part of the reason why I wanted to venture into auditing was to actually learn. To learn and adapt but to learn with the audit firm, takes a lot of time and the seniors are always busy. For you to gather up your courage and ask them a simple question, might actually interupt them. Then, instead of being the eager VT that wants to learn, you are becoming this annoying VT that wants to know everything. So, any other way that you are in, you're caught. Told ya, it will memakan diri sendiri right? As it is, I am already 'segan' with my previous manager because she's so smart. Really smart. Aihhh. Overall, this internship experience has taught me one thing. "Why did you study for exam purposes Jasmin Anis binti Noor Allam?"

So, if you're reading this, my fellow juniors, don't ask stupid questions or act blur, or dumb. Just act like you know, BE SERIOUS and adapt. As for me, for the first two months, I had to adapt to the surroundings that pratically ignored my presence there. Like I said, they speak Chinese and I stood there, like a stool. Safe and unsound, for about 2 months, yes but what did I get in return, precious experience. I think it's with them that I learned a lot, quite a lot. I guess, you just have to adapt. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say in this post is, for the questions that I asked resulted a poor review on my technical knowledge but I do think I deserve it, parts of it. Haha. Whatever, let's wait for another review from another senior. Then, we'll take that one and give it to the lecturer tmoro. Haha :P


Ps : Serious font, for serious matter.

Getting it right.

There was this one time, when I wanted something so badly. I really wanted it, I kept thinking about it and I know my life would be incomplete without me having it. So I kept it inside, I prayed slowly, asking God for clues and found it. I was going miserable thinking about it, and I think God knows how miserable I was then, that He gave it to me on the spot. How badly I wanted it, was beyond my personal understanding. I don't know why but I knew I wanted it and when I actually found it, then I understood the reason behind it.

Now, I wonder why were things so hard between us? Is God testing me to see how badly I wanted 'it', or just to tell me that things are not meant to be? I reckon its the latter one. I mean, I used to think that its the former one but now, I guess, it's the latter one. I have got to get my feet firmly on the ground. *slowly bringing it down to earth. Yea, it's on earth now*

What I'm trying to say is, when I want something, usually I will get it when I want it with passion but i sincerely thought I was passionated enough, no? Haha now I'm just a confused kid. Its gonna be that time of the month now, so yeah, all sorts of questions are popping up. Friends graduating, friends getting married, friends having kids (okay, not yet but if you're married, it's gotta be soon right?). Probably I'm just overwhelmed with the current events in life.

Written in the stars.

Today, I am having dinner with Puteri.
Tomorrow, I might be going to the weekly SIFE meeting.
On Friday, I am going to the office for this year's assessment by the lecturer.
On Saturday, I am sleeping over at Upper East to help out with Eva's 5th birthday party.
On Sunday, I am going to Eva's 5th birthday party.

Everything is quite planned out, but they are all short term plans.
What are my long term plans?
That's beyond my control but mom keeps on reminding me that everything is written.
Sometimes, I think I don't have to make any decisions then, because it's written right?
Weird.

Short & sweet.

It's a lovely heaty Tuesday morning. Waking up with your hair wet from your own sweat is never a good way to wake up. Usually I would dread going out of the bed but this morning, the thought of the cool & breezy aircond at the office made me jump out of the bed. The horrendous weather lately might be a way for the mothernature to tell us something perhaps? Something horrible? Maybe, who knows.

Ps : Short post to test out the new layout :)

It's an invisible button but you managed to find it.

This week has not been the best week. It's one of those week that is just draggy and you can't wait to finish it up but for it to end, the days need to end first. Luckily it was a public holiday on Monday, thus, the other days went by so quickly. Still, I don't like this week. It's either I was just worried sick about something, or I was just too sleepy to work, or I just don't feel like waking up in the morning, or I was late for work, or I don't like the job given, or I was just brushed off by someone that has changed lately. I know, many or(s) there. I don't mean to complain but I know I am.

Going in into the 5th month of internship, things are bound to change, bound to happen I guess. Being exposed to the things you have never seen or been through, maybe. I don't think I've changed into something worse. I'm not talking about me. Nevermind, but whatever it is, I was offended. That's all. You've seen the world, but you haven't been through it yet. Not just yet.

I went back home last weekend since it was quite a long weekend. I reached Alor Star at about 4.45am, and my Dad came and picked me up. In the car, he asked, "So, berapa lama lagi keje?" and I answered, "Dua bulan lagi," and he said "Lamanya lagiiiiiiiiiiii......." This is like the 100th time that he asked ('____') and my answer will always roughly be the same. I've got two (2) more months to go, YEY ME! But nah, it's not that bad actually. At least, I wake up every morning with a strong valid reason ;P

To you its just a house, to me its home.

Second post of the night. Wohoo. Do I have anything important to say? No, but can I just write freely? Yes. Thank you. This blog has never let me down. Hehe.

So, what do I have in mind? Nothing. I am in Bangi tonight, I went to check on the new house. Mom wants me to make sure that it is "danger-free" when the tenant comes in next month. It breaks my heart a little that someone else will get to live inside the house first but its just not practical for my parents to be moving now and none of us wants to live it in, not just yet. To leave my house in Kedah is another matter, my heart will be shattered into millions, gazzillions and trillions of pieces. I grew up there. I grew up there. Alright, I just wanted to stress that out, I grew up there. Growing up, explaining to people where I was from was almost a problem. My parents came from different states. My dad was born in Kedah but he grew up in Penang while my mom was born and bred in Johor. I was born in Kuantan and then we moved to Kedah when I was three years old. I speak Malay with normal KL slang when I am at home because my mom banned us from speaking in Kedah slang when we are at home. Thus, we can only speak bahasa Kedah when we are with our friends. So, now, when anyone asks me where am I from? What should I answer? I am almost 22. Haha but this question, it is never an easy one. To explain the whole thing is quite troublesome, but if I say I am from Kedah but I don't talk with the slang, then it's like I am 'belagak' or something like that. I don't know. To explain about my cousins would be another set of different stories lah. Haha.

It's not a serious matter, but its a small matter that can be very confusing. I will miss the house that I've been calling home for the past 19 years, when I leave it behind. I miss it more now, as I am typing it. Mom is missing me, I can tell you that. She missed me a lot. I miss you too, Mummy.

Ahh, the house in Kedah means a lot. A lot.

Click it like you mean it.

Sometimes, I click a link without thinking, like I just did. I clicked the 'Open all' link from the history and all the recent links popped up. I am so used to that. I do things without thinking. Sometimes with just a mere thought, sometimes with too much thoughts of it, and most of the times, without none of it. Perhaps, I am immune to it. It, being anything available at the moment. Random, I know. Lately, time has been moving so slowly. If you ask me three months back, every thing happened in a blink of an eye but now, it seems like God wants me to enjoy every moment of every single thing. He wants me to breathe the air with passion and let it go, freely. I am, taking every moment into consideration, but of course, most of time, without thinking. I just think about the moment, the fun I can suck out of it but seldom about the consequences. When I lay things on the invisible ground I created, I can see all the things I don't want in life clearly, but I can hardly see the things that I want in life anymore. I am a girl with so many dreams and wants in life, I used to be a girl with so many wants and dreams in life but now, I feel like all the dreams and wants are hanging on a cliff and I am ready to let it go at any second now. Give me a pen and a piece of paper, let me list down all my needs and wants in life but, I will just write it down for the sake of writing it down and not because I really want them. Anymore. Three months back, I will give you a definite plan when I am down with my Degree. Leave everything behind, go to US, take a bus to Nashville, go see Taylor Swift's management and ask for any kind of vacancy on her tour ( I swear this was a definite plan), work with Starbucks, let loose for a month or two, make myself happy even if that means I have to use all my savings. That was the plan but now, the plan needs to be reconstructed and I need to figure things out. God, this sounds so serious. I know. Probably because the environment that I am in right now. Right now. Maybe ( I hope so ) when I leave all of this serious environment, I will be in  my jolly mindset again.

But, oh come on, nothing is so serious now. I am easily amazed with life. Just that right now, I have no definite plan to fall back on to. Everything and everyone is moving forward. I don't wanna be kept in the past, even if I am. I am slowly catching up and I am slowly bringing the past forward, to the future. I will.

Ps : I am going to Justin Bieber this Thursday. How serious can I be?

5.30pm, off we go.

I guess I do make it pretty clear that I like/want/will go back at 5.45pm or 6 plus-ish. It's not that I have made any kind of statement but I think it's quite clear that I intend to go back at the normal intern/VT time. Its not about the amount of pay that I get, I can claim for overtime, but I've never done it before. I've got only one reason behind it. I will stay back and work for real, when the time comes, provided that I join them in the future. Truth is, I like what I'm doing minus the dead lines. I like it because it is truly what I am learning in my university life. It's like I took my book and translate them into the working paper. It's the same thing and I feel worth it. Worth for all the learning that I did, even if I don't remember them (most of it). So, if any of my seniors are reading this ( I really hope not), this is why I am keen on going back early, on time. I will try to finish everything that you guys give, all the tasks and all the work between 8.30am to 5.50pm (max, or more, I am quite flexible. Hehe). I wouldn't mind staying longer if I am a permanent worker. When the time comes, I will work just as hard.

But, if you guys are wondering, I've gone back at 8.30pm. That was the longest I've stayed la because the next day, I took a 2 day leave for Ms Swifty :) Hehe. But yeah, I am flexible but given a choice, I choose my social life because right now, I still have a choice. That's why.

Different set of people gives me different views in life.

I couldn't sleep properly last night, thinking about what time should I wake up. Should I wake up at 7am or perhaps, 11am? Sleeping, thinking and worrying all at the same time. Why did I even sleep in the first place? Oh yeah, I have been so tired this week. I am trying to see how it is if I was working and trying to have a social life at the same time. Pfttt. During the week, I carpooled with Aqilah Ratna, Nazreen and Sharifah for 3 days, which was very entertaining as always. We rant and vent in the car about work most of the time, how everyone is still shivering when they talk to their superiors. I found some funny things while I was being 'passed' to another department this week. I am as nervous as hell when I talk to my manager, then I never thought that I'd seen her as nervous as I am when she talks to her boss. Haha. It's like, finally, we were going through the same thing yeaaa... Haha.

Then, on Wednesday night, we ( Me, Intan, Aloyah, Erks and his classmates ) went out all the way to SS2 Kelana Jaya just to eat durian. Boy, I've never seen that kind of dedication. Haha. I mean, the boy can really eat his durian eh. Terror ah.

And my parents came in the middle of the week because my uncle was admitted on Wednesday night. I hope he gets better soon. We are all praying for you, Pak Kar.

Anyway, I better take a shower now. The little sister wants sushi and I have to take her out for it. Toodles guys!