#D

D for definition. Just a simple word with a wide meaning, because we tend to define words differently. No specific word, just sometimes, we interpret one single word differently. For example, the word life, I can define the world life to its maximum definition but it might vary from your definition. There's nothing wrong with it because we, human are born differently, with various sets of physical ability and mental capability. I think differently and I suppose you do too. If one human being thinks exactly the same like another human being, one might think that the other is a copy cat. Furthermore, if we all think alike, then there will be no argument, no discussion, only followers and no leaders. 

Usually, its those one word that indicates vague meaning, such as life, love and happiness. Or, even the word birthday can impose several meanings if you really ask a person. I enjoy birthdays, be it my birthday or other people's birthday because for me, its a day for you to be thankful that you managed to add another number to your age, increase your maturity level and just be thankful for having the chance to live another day, another year but lately, the definition of birthday means that you are older and people expect you to be more mature and a little wiser and then comes, the marriage and working part. In other words, birthdays will just add more stress and now, just thinking about turning 23 makes my stomach grumble and churn a bit. Not fun eh? 

Then, the word fat and thin. So, someone just updated her status that implies the word thin for her is quite offensive, just how the word fat is offensive for me. See, its how you define it that makes it offensive. Fat is not my favourite word because it means excess fats and muffin tops and if someone calls me skinny, oh, I'll take it as a compliment and I'll swallow those rice like its plain water. Life works in a funny way but its how you look at it will increase its humour. Our definitions, views and perspective of life might differ but it doesn't mean that we have to disrespect each other and start to bicker oftenly, isn't it? The word respect is initiated for a reason, it is for us to tolerate other people's view in life and accept them. After all, it's not like how others define something will affect your own life. 

My definition of good music might be different from yours and then all of a sudden, you make the assumption that I am not cool? Have you ever thought that, first of all, my definition of cool is totally different from yours and thus, my definition of good music shall differ as well because I will listen to what I define as cool. Get it? This is just an example. My definition of good  music is songs with good lyrics. It doesn't have to be sappy but when it is meaningful, you'll tend to be lost in the music, automatically. 

And, a normal argument that will never reach a consensus is the definition of handsome and beautiful. Why do we have to argue about this when it is so obvious that everyone is different in their own way? But still, I know,  it is a good topic to be debated about because we are normal humans. Hehe. My definition of handsome will be Ashton Kutcher. Period. And many will disagree. I don't blame any of you because we have different set of eyes and thinking. It's as easy as that and that's why we define words differently :) 

#C Part II

Actually, I forgot the main significant reason why I chose the word choice for the letter C. By saying this would probably put me in a vulnerable position but I chose to maintain my curly hair for a reason. There's this one person told me that I look so much better with my hair being straightened and if only I would have done it permanently. Frankly, I think I look better with my hair straight, prettier indeed (Here comes the vain moment) but it is such a hassle to maintain such hair. 

How ridiculous it may sound, but I am looking for that one person who is willing to take me as I am with my curly hair. If you can bear with my curly hair, then you'll enjoy the days where I would blow my hair straight and maybe curl it up a bit. Mom taught me more than just having good hair because nothing matters if you have an ugly heart. Maybe some day I'll just cover up my head, who knows but in the meantime, lets just enjoy whatever is in sight because I chose it with a reason. 

#C

Jaiho, eh I mean hello. I've been listening to Jaiho a lot lately for certain reasons. Ehem. No need to remind me that I forgot the dance step on the actual day. Haha. So, let's proceed with the next letter, C. Actually, I've done a post on the letter C but it's not that interesting and I figured, since I have the power to change it, might as well change it and be satisfied with it. For today, the letter C stands for choice/choices. 

I make choices on a daily basis, you make choices on a daily basis. Be it to just decide on what to eat or to decide on what to wear for the day. The simple choices usually will make up for the big ones. If I were in Shah Alam with my friends, the toughest daily question to be answered would obviously be where should we eat today? And the question usually pops up three times a day, so imagine how frequent the question get asked. If I were in Alor Star, the question would usually be, "Mama bagi keluar ke ni?" I've got to choose whether do I want to ask her properly or just casually go out and just drop her a line or two on my way out like "Ma, Min nak keluar eh ni? Nana/Puteri/Aliyah/Iye/Sarah/Bear/Kery dah sampai. Bye Ma." Haha. In Ampang, the choice will usually be whether do I want to wake up early for a jog or not. Usually I don't but when the mood comes or in other word, when I feel super fat, I will automatically wake up and put on my running attire and run or most of the time, just walk around Taman TAR. These examples are the minor examples and the major ones usually give me nightmares or stomach ache. 

Lately, there are a few normal question that pops up and sometimes, I just choose to either 

a) Answer the question properly, 

b)Change the subject, 

c)Blame my parents first and say that it's their decision 

d)Just laugh and laugh some more. 

So, the questions are, 

1) What are you going to do after this?

2) Boyfriend orang mana? *gile indirect soalan tapi macam zappppp*

3) Have you applied for jobs?

4) When are you getting married?

Simple questions with no specific answer. I do not know what I am going to do after this because the choices are not clear actually, I do not have a boyfriend ( Damn, rasa macam tak laku pulak O_o), I didn't apply for any jobs yet because my parents want me to continue and no, I have no idea when I am getting married. Semua tu kita serahkan pada jodoh Allah. Ewah. Jawapan politik gila. Kat sini politik la, bila depan mata senyum je la mcm kerang busuk. Hahaha. 

I can choose but I don't have any choices right now. All that I know is, during the dinner, I chose to clear up one thing that has been bugging me for the longest time and that has got to be the best decision I've made for this year. I wanted to spend more time with my friends after the graduation dinner and after my final examinations but I chose to go back because my Mom needs me here more. 

Yesterday, I was watching a talk show and one of the panel said something interesting. In life you should remember two things and forget two things. First, you should remember the good deeds that people have done to you and remember all the bad things that you have done to others. Secondly, you should forget the good deeds that you have done to people and forget the bad things that others have done to us. You can choose to do either one but I guess, if you live by these words your life will be happy and peaceful. I believe so or, I choose to believe so.

Dude, remember when you had to choose between us two? Hahaha, lame joke I know :P

But hey, let's put the past behind and I really mean it. 

#B

The second alphabet would be, the letter B. A letter with a significant meaning, that I have to admit because just a glimpse of that letter gives me a lot of feeling, with no closure. Alright, enough with that particular topic that will never end until God knows when. I supposed, the most appropriate topic for today is blogging. B for blogging. 

Just the notion of holding a solid blue ball pen with a fresh crisp paper is just exciting rather than typing on this flat screen, actually but if one has a passion for something, technology will not or at least, should not deter one from continuing to do what he or she loves. When you write on a piece of paper and you messed up, you can just crumple the paper up and throw it in the dustbin and even that, can give you some kind of a satisfaction but with this, just pressing the backspace or delete button, you're just erasing it. So, this is not about blogging huh?

What I am saying is, I turned to this blog because it's a rare occasion for me now to pen out my feelings, thoughts and emotions on paper properly because it's just not the common thing anymore. For almost half of my time daily is spent in front of the computer, might as well let it all go here. For me, I guess its great that blogging seems the most ideal place to let it all out but there's always a downside to it. People tend to assume that I am emotional all the time. I am not, not all the time. Sometimes, this blog serves a reminder because when I jot down the events that I have went through, I can remember back all the great and of course, the sad memories that I've been through but hey, that's a positive way for someone to grow up and be mature too.

Once, twice or more, I'll browse through my previous post and I'll go, "Why did I do that?" and I'll say to my present self, with more experience and knowledge now, you should have known better and not to let yourself do that or go through it again. It should be a lesson for my present self. Blogging taught me that, or perhaps, writing did. There are some awesome blogs that I follow and most of times, how I wish I could write as beautiful as them, more melancholic with an indirect story line. If people have to think and interpret your story, that I take that as good writing because you are able to make them think and ponder. 

Most of the times, I don't publish my writings because they are too private. I'd rather keep them at a safe place rather than being judged for being too open, too desperate or just too plain stupid. Maybe, one of these days, I'll post them one by one to spice up the blog a bit :P but one thing I have to bear in mind, this blog is for me express, not impress :)

Ps : I got a gorgeous graduation present from my Dad. I supposed its a way for him to tell me that he's proud of me for finishing my Degree. How I wish I could give him a First Class Degree of Accountancy but I guess it's too late now. How I wish I did study more because when I flip through one of previous entries in this blog, I did mention how lazy I am eventhough I know how badly my parents wanted that from me. If only.. but I guess I could repay all of my parents deeds in some other way. Perhaps by not failing my future ACCA paper. Let's hope I can. Anyway, thank you Papa for the present. I can never thank you enough <3

#A

Hello Earthlings, I have this idea where I want to start writing random things according to alphabets and since this is the first day, I guess I'll start with the letter A. So many words start with A but honestly, the only word I can think of right at this moment is accounting. Perhaps, because I've been associated with the word so much daily but maybe I should go for other words. Maybe, achievement? Let's try.

The word 'achievement' has been defined as 'a thing done successfully with effort, skill, or courage:"  A thing.. which means that achievement is something subjective. Everyone defines achievement differently from one another. I can say that my biggest achievement in life as of now, is that I've finished my Degree (InsyaAllah) but that kind of achievement seems so worldly. Sometimes, praying five times seem like an achievement for the day. It'd be nice if I can say that my biggest achievement in life is.. that I've helped someone changed his or her life. If I can achieve that one day, it'd be great. I'm not trying to sound like oh-I-am-the-world's-kindest-person-on-this-earth, no. It's just that as of now, I am 23 years old and I don't think I have done anything that can make me leave this earth with a smile. Some may say I still have a long way to go but if I don't start now, when will I start?

I've always wanted to open up a small restaurant that serves good quality homey food. If I am selling Nasi Goreng Cili Padi, then it be just like how your mom my mom cooks it. If I am selling chocolate brownies with vanilla ice cream, then it will taste just like Pillsbury's homemade chocolate brownies. So everyday, when you are operating a restaurant, you will have all these leftovers and I always ask, what happens to the leftovers? Can we give it to those who would need it? I know it's not nice to give people our leftovers but it'll be better rather than to just throw it away. So, I figured if I am the owner of the restaurant, I will have a say on how my restaurant operates right? I want to set up a connection between someone from the Reach programme or something and make a pact about leftovers food. If I do have a restaurant in the future and I forget about this, someone please print this post of mine and remind me about it, just incase  I don't remember. Oh, back to the achievement. It'll be an achievement if I can do this. This type of achievement can easily triumph over my Degree anytime because at the end of the day, having a plain certificate doesn't define who you are. 

One can have all the certificates, money and position in the world but if he doesn't give back, what's the purpose of him having it all? As for me, I hope that when I have reached my goals later in life (What goals am I talking about? I have no idea!) I hope that I will get back to earth and always stay on the ground, not floating on cloud nine. Lately, my personal goals in life is quite vague. How do I achieve such vague goals? The only clear goals that I have is, I want to meet Ashton Kutcher. Lame. I know. Thus, this is why I initiated this. If I can write my personal opinions regarding these 26 random topics during my holidays, it'll be a minor achievement, but still. It is better than none. Just to keep my head moving during the holidays. 

Oh, today was a day well-spent, indeed :) Such an achievement for me. The letter for tmoro is  the letter B. SUCH AN INTERESTING LETTER. HEHEHE. 

Saya baku.

Minggu lepas-lepas, ada sorang kawan sekelas tu mintak suruh tulis blog ni dalam bahasa Melayu. Macam kelakar tapi kalau tolak kata mengada-ngada pulak. Bukan mengada tapi memang rasa pelik tapi tak pe, sebab kita ni orang Melayu tulen, Jawa campur Acheh lagi kan, jadi tulis je la dalam Bahasa Ibunda tapi tak tau nak bahasakan diri aku ke, saya ke, Min ke, Miut ke? Eh susah la. Kalau Bahasa Inggeris, I je dah senang. Hmmm, ikot la apa yang kena ngan ayat tu nanti.  

Peperiksaan akhir untuk semester terakhir baru je habis. Soalan betol-betol susah. Bukan main-main punye susah tapi betol-betol punya susah. Ye la, dah budak semester terakhir kan, mesti la nak tanya soalan kaw-kaw punya. Bila tengok soalan tu, rasa macam apa aku baca semalam? Asal tak kluar apa yang hafal semalam? Tapi sebab dalam hati tu ada semangat nak habiskan je peperiksaan tu, hati ni tabahkan je la, hentam je la. Soalan dah jawab, markah belakang kira.

Eh, cakap pasal peperiksaan ni bosan la. Ni dah kat rumah kat Aloq Staq, Kedah. Esok bole la pergi makan moi sedap kat Taman Pknk tu petang-petang. Tunggu Nana dan Iye balik, lepastu bole la mintak dua mangkuk sorang. Sedap tau. Haritu kitorang tengah duduk makan petang-petang macam biasa la waktu-waktu senja lepastu ada artis datang situ jugak. Tempat tu gerai je. Meja kitorang dapat dulu makanan, lepastu artis tu tengok-tengok meja kitorang macam "E'eh apa diorang tu makan tu? Macam sedap je?" Pastu kitorang pon senyum kambing kat artis lepastu cakap " Sedap, pesan la jugak. Hehe" Ye la, buat kat Kedah tak malu sangat. Kalau buat kat KL mcm jakun pulak. 

Balik kali ni rasa la lapang dada sebab tak bawak balik buku langsung. Komputer riba ni pon bawak balik sebab tak kan nak tinggalkan kat rumah sewa. Ikotkan hati malas, tapi macam mana pulak nak berhubung dengan rakan-rakan untuk berkomunikasi tentang perkara yang penting. Contoh macam psal baju malam graduasi trek pantas pada 25 haribulan ni. Pening jugak dibuatnya. Macam ada benda tak kena ja ni. Aih. Susah la. Nak badan macam model Victoria Secret la. Kaki panjang, tak pendek. Badan cantek, tak gemok. Senang cari baju makan malam graduasi.

Haaa, ni la sebab tak bole tulis dalam bahasa Melayu. Merepek-repek tulis. Hasil penulisan tak dalam :P Hahahaha, okay baiklah. Nak tidur dahulu, nak dibuai mimpi-mimpi indah. Selamat malam kawan-kawan. Esok, kalau rajin saya akan mulakan idea baru saya untuk blog ini. Perlulah asah secebis bakat yang ada ni. Kalau bukan bajat pon, sekurang-kurangnya ada la minat kan. Eh, ayat ni macam mintak penampor je. Okay. Selamat tinggal. Kenang daku dalam doamu. 

12 steps backwards.

Time flies, no doubt in that. Sometimes, we feel like the time moves so fast that we barely have time to catch up. 2011 went by in a blink of an eye. Usually, I love to sit down and reflect on the things that I have been through for the whole year. It seems like the right thing to do, for you to sit down, reflect back on the things that you have done, the things that you wished you did not do and the things that you wish you had done. On one quiet evening, I tried to sit down and have a talk with myself. Alright that’s a lie. I do my thinking in the shower. Hehe. So I was perhaps shampooing my hair and I thought to myself, 2011 has been a year of flat experience.  I enjoyed myself but it was more of a year that I just had fun. I absorbed everything slowly.

After all, I have learned that I used to look back, still checking on the rearview mirror to check on my past decision. I also love(d) to plan ahead for my future, some sort of forward looking method but I forget that when I look back, nothing changes. Those moments turned into memories and there’s nothing I can do to alter it and those future moments can only be left as plans if I don’t execute them, properly.

I don’t move on quickly. I don’t move on at a normal pace. It is not so much about me holding grudges but you know how those memories linger in your head and it is always at the back of your mind. That’s how my mind works, or I guess that’s how our memories work. At odd times, I’ll get flashes of images that I don’t intend to remember. It’s weird sometimes to be remembered of those wonderful memories but when you are so attached to the bad ones, then I do not know how to move on. Best thing about it is, those memories are reliving it self.

I like to imagine things forward. I used to have a concrete plan about my future as I seemed to be so sure about what I want in life but I have to remember that I plan and if God doesn’t approve my plans, He has all the power in the world to put a stop to it or to change it. At this particular moment, I do not know what to do with my life. Yes, I plan to pursue my professional plan after I'm done with my Degree. I am somehow not excited about this. I am just playing along with my parents' choice. I wish I did apply for work because I think I should do it part time so that I don't waste so much time. Then, one may ask, what am I rushing for? My answer is, I don't know but I believe that while I am young now, might as well use all my youth time, catch whatever opportunities in front of me, so that when I am on my deathbed, I don't want to have flashbacks of living a life I might regret. 

Oh, I'm back to that boring topic. So, 2011 was a splendid-flat-lesson-learned year. I'm trying to make my 2012 more interesting but it opened its big curtain with my final exams. Tadaa. What a way to remember the New Year :) Hehe but fret not, I can see a bright future from here!

And oh yes, I haven't had those weird dream with you, you and you in it. Is it because I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit and think about you? I guess so. 

The truth hurts, always.

Every where, everyone keeps on posting about the memories of 2011. I cannot believe that 2011 is coming to an end already. I have not fully enjoyed 2011 and if there's one word to describe this year, it would be an 'eye-opener'year. Or should I say that this particular December has been an 'eye-opener' month? 

This past four weeks have been one hella of a month. I've been a lazy student, ignorant friend and a bad daughter. I just did not enjoy this December as much as I tried to. Okay chup, I should divide this post into two because I did actually enjoy my last day of class with my classmates but that's besides the point of this post. 

I had deep conversations with two persons tonight. One is with my mother. Lately, I've been throwing tantrums at her with no reasons. Well, I've got my own reasons but I guess after hearing her explanations, I owe an apology to her. I should have been more understanding, I should have listened to her closely and put my judgement aside.  I was being so stubborn that I wanted to win. It's not so much about winning but more to explaining what I am feeling. After I've let out my feelings, I forgot about how it would affect my mother. I said I am 22 years old, but tonight I realized I've acted like I am 10 years old. The only difference is I don't shout in the malls when I don't get things my way. I should have been more mature and yet I am not. So, I guess, I need someone to tell me off and let me see things from a different perspective. Frankly, I am so scared of having my own child because if I am a monster, then I would not want to be creating little monsters in the future. I should really think about this before I claim to be a 22 year old. I'm afraid that my actions are from the accumulation of resentments that I've had but on what basis am I having all these resentment and anger? I've got everything that I need. Maybe not what I want but mostly everything that I need. 

The second conversation was with a dear friend. A friends that is willing to tell me something hurtful yet it is the truth. No one wants to hear something that is not pleasant to our ears but you've got to be brave enough to swallow the truth. I'm not brave enough to accept the truth, so I've been postponing any events that might lead me to hearing the truth. I avoid deep conversation that might get me into trouble with  my own mind. I avoid them completely. Instead, I put in fantasy and fairy tales in my mind. Way better that way and I get to sleep at night. My problems are trivial, I know. There are people who can barely make it for the day. I need to feed my brain with these kind of images, so that I am more thankful for having such a life. 

I told my mom that I'm thankful for every second of my life and for everything that I have in life. She replied "Yes, I know that you are thankful but sometimes, your actions show otherwise" or something along those line.

So, how's this to end your 2011? I need to sit and think deeply because this was indeed, a big tight slap on the face and I am not ashamed to admit it.

"You will always wish that you knew what you know now when you were younger. You will surely wish you acted upon the knowledge that you know now when you will be in the grave."

Over.

I want to blog about a lot of things but it doesn't seem like its the perfect timing but I want to able to look back at this date and remember that this is my last week to go to class as a Degree student. Four and a half years of going in and out of class with the same faces, I reckon I will cry on the day of our departure :(

The start of a new year.

A public holiday for all the people who despise Monday, truly its a gift for everyone. Slept at about 1am last night, I decided it should be an early day for me today. I woke up forcefully, prayed before the sun went up and went for a morning walk before it was too hot. Its 28th of November and here I am, in the middle of the semester.  The long weekend went by like a breeze. We bid Saturday with the introduction of our Financial Accounting assessment and I bet we're saying goodbye to our 3 day weekend with the same thing. Awkward timing, bizarre encounters along the way. I felt a bit weird last night, I don't know where the weirdness came from but I embraced it. I tried to embrace it well. It's been too long for me to be affected by it. I've gotten a grip of myself, I've been cured. I got the message, it was delivered well. But, nothing will change. 

So, have a great year ahead, Muslims. It's the little things that count. One, two and three. Read in between the line and don't make assumptions. Enjoy the rest of the year guys.